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Better off dead because I am worthless


#1

The last couple days I have been battling deep dark thoughts that I don’t know how to handle any more. The last few day I have wanted to just not be here. Between being told I am a burden because I continue to mess up stuff and making a tough choice on Sunday. My PTSD issues are so horrible right now. I keep being so scared there something is going to happen and now I don’t have an escape from it. I keep having medical issues that are making things worse.

Today I felt so much like I wanted to just say goodbye that why keep trying why do I continue to tell myself that I am of any value to anyone. I sat saying to myself you aren’t good enough for those people who help you. I keep saying those around me are better off without me. I am not good enough for myself or them. Clearly what I thought was true isn’t true I am just a failure who can’t make it.

After years and years abuse I just feel like my cracks are too do and I can’t fix them. I want so badly to give up. I want so badly to say I am done. I want so badly to not fear what is to come or what has been done.

I recently took a step to get rid of blades u had to harm with and now I regret it I wish I had never done that. They were found in my room as I was packing one triggered me because a specific one was the one I used one of the times I tried to kill myself. So it triggered my feeling angry I had even wanted to do that. But also what my mom said after I had (she was the one who found me) about the fact that I would fail no matter how many times I tried or how deep I went that she would continue to do whatever and that I would never escape. It made me freak out that no matter even if this move works that some way it is going to end me back here and that truly I won’t get out of all of this. Today I keep trying to deal and I feel like I am failing hard. For as long as I have known I always had that back up. People all of my life or when they hear my story call me strong but I honestly can only say this it was in that self harm I felt strong so now I am sitting here so freaking scared because A) that is gone and what if more bad happens my thing that held me is gone.

Today I just can’t I feel broken beyond compare. And that there is no way to pick it all up.

I honestly wanted earlier to just say goodbye and be done with it.

Artislife


#2

Omg I am so sorry you’re going through this… pls understand that you are worth the help that people are giving you!!! You’re worth so much more!! You’ve made your first step to recovery and that’s moving out of the toxic situation that you’ve been trapped in… listen you’re so strong!! Just go for it… don’t look back or think about what could happen… I am so proud of you for getting rid of the blades… pls stay strong… hang in there… you would be dearly missed if anything were to happen… you were born with a purpose…so wear your scars proudly, lift your head up and take control of your life… you’ve survived through too much to fall back down… we are all here for you. Keep fighting!


#3

My heart goes out to you and I am so glad you are still here. You are so brave and you have had so many things to deal with and you have met each one with resolve. I want you to know that when people say you won’t make it they are lying. Flat out lying to you. You make it every day you choose to stay, every breath you take against the things that are trying to drag you down. You are loved and deserving of love. You deserve to have your privacy respected, and to thrive. I know it’s hard when every fiber of your being is exhausted and there’s still a long way to go. You have plans that are sound and you are nearly there. We love you and support you and want you around, no matter what.


#4

My dear dear friend,

First off- I LOVE YOU. And I KNOW you KNOW that.

Friend I have been there these past few days too and FRIEND YOU have been there for ME. All those times I talked about how much I just wanted to self injure and you would say “first off, don’t” and when I wanted to isolate you would say “I understand that feeling but is that wise?”

And friend I am going to tell you those EXACT same things- don’t self injure- fight it. I know you want this madness to end but in the way you plan to is that wise? No- it’s not. And it know that is hard to accept right now- I know it is hard to see- but friend you HAVE TO keep fighting. Fight against the current that is pushing all these terrible thoughts and emotions to you. YOU HAVE to fight.

Friend I know this is so so hard I really TRULY do. But you are not in this alone, youa re NOT fighting alone. You don’t have to end your life to make all this pain go away- I know that is a tempting way to just be don’t but friend that is simply not wise and it is NOT the right path to take.

YOU have made SO MUCH progress in this life and I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

YOU mean THE WORLD to ME.

FRIEND- those are LIES. Don’t listen to them. I know it’s so hard but those are lies and you need to take them and throw them in the trash. I don’t care is you right it down on paper and toss out the bad thoughts physically or if you do it all just mentally- you just have to throw them out. I know they are going to come back- TRUST ME I KNOW- but right now you have to throw them out and relax.

It pains me so much to see you struggle as so and it pains me that I can’t save you I can’t MAKE YOU feel better or do certain things to help you and friend I am SO SO SORRY.

FRIEND you are NOT broken! We ALL need patching up here and there and THAT IS OK. Sometimes we fall and scrape our knee and it TAKES TIME TO HEAL. We are HERE to help patch each other up- to help mend each other’s wounds. WE ARE NOT BROKEN- and friend that includes YOU.

YOU ARE NOT BROKEN.

FRIEND I AM SO SO SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU for throwing away those blades; I KNOW it was hard but YOU did it and I am SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU.

I LOVE YOU. Nothing will EVER make me love you less.

You are my heart support, you are my best freaking friend, if I lost you I DON’T KNOW WHAT I would do - who I would be, where I would go- I simply don’t know.

YOUC AN DO THIS. YOU CAN MAKE IT.

I KNOW YOU KNOW THIS BUT I LOVE YOU SO SO SO FREAKING MUCH.

YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME.

I freaking love you, I KNOW you can do this. You ARE going to MAKE it.

You ARE NOT and NEVER will be broken.

Hold fast.

With love,
Lyss (ur old pal Blurryface)


#5

@Artislife, you are not a failure. I don’t believe that. Those people who make you feel worthless? That’s their own damn opinion. And they aren’t God, their opinions don’t change who you are. The fact that you are trying and posting on here means you are not failing, you’re winning, even if it doesn’t feel like it. They may have broken your wings, but I don’t believe they’ve broken your claws.

Stay strong


#6

@Artislife I have felt like that as well. Thank you for sharing your thoughts we are not alone its normal to feel that way considering everything you going though and been though I know. We just need to keep going you are exhausted and tired of the bs and trying. I know. Just know I care about you even though we never met we all here have pain and we all are connected regardless if we ever see each other regardless if we even know each others names. What is real and what is most important is that we stick together and give each other strength and support. You are strong all of us are strong even if it feels the opposite. Please keep going you are original and there no one out there like you in thw world we are all so special but we have been beaten down and brokenhearted yet we need to keep going just keep swimming. :green_heart:


#7

Hello hello! I just wanted to check in and see if you are doing better this fine new year :3