The last couple days I have been battling deep dark thoughts that I don’t know how to handle any more. The last few day I have wanted to just not be here. Between being told I am a burden because I continue to mess up stuff and making a tough choice on Sunday. My PTSD issues are so horrible right now. I keep being so scared there something is going to happen and now I don’t have an escape from it. I keep having medical issues that are making things worse.
Today I felt so much like I wanted to just say goodbye that why keep trying why do I continue to tell myself that I am of any value to anyone. I sat saying to myself you aren’t good enough for those people who help you. I keep saying those around me are better off without me. I am not good enough for myself or them. Clearly what I thought was true isn’t true I am just a failure who can’t make it.
After years and years abuse I just feel like my cracks are too do and I can’t fix them. I want so badly to give up. I want so badly to say I am done. I want so badly to not fear what is to come or what has been done.
I recently took a step to get rid of blades u had to harm with and now I regret it I wish I had never done that. They were found in my room as I was packing one triggered me because a specific one was the one I used one of the times I tried to kill myself. So it triggered my feeling angry I had even wanted to do that. But also what my mom said after I had (she was the one who found me) about the fact that I would fail no matter how many times I tried or how deep I went that she would continue to do whatever and that I would never escape. It made me freak out that no matter even if this move works that some way it is going to end me back here and that truly I won’t get out of all of this. Today I keep trying to deal and I feel like I am failing hard. For as long as I have known I always had that back up. People all of my life or when they hear my story call me strong but I honestly can only say this it was in that self harm I felt strong so now I am sitting here so freaking scared because A) that is gone and what if more bad happens my thing that held me is gone.
Today I just can’t I feel broken beyond compare. And that there is no way to pick it all up.
I honestly wanted earlier to just say goodbye and be done with it.