there is a smaller boy with vibrant eyes and a big heart. he’s sixteen, and his parents are awful, telling him he is worthless. I take in this child, my friend and now my child, tell him all the things he needs to hear. he is loved, i am proud of him, that he is amazing, and talented, that he is so pure. that he isn’t wrong for being trans. i chase away the demons that his parents have placed in his thoughts. I put on a brave face for this boy, tell him how loved he is, how amazing he is. all the while, my heart weeps for my own pain. it pours from my flesh, my pain, and it floods our chats, my worthlessness, self hate, depression. he parrots my words back at me, telling me i am loved and valid, and while he means it with his whole heart, i can’t seem to believe. the boy is empathic, he feels my pain as well as my own, i know that i am hurting him, just as I’m hurting all of the people in my life. but this one, so strong, tells me to depend on him. to tell him when it’s bad. i lean on him, needing the support, but i am aware that the more that i ask him to help me pull myself together, the more pain i am causing. i don’t want to cause pain, to him or to anyone. i feel they are better off without me. all of them. i truly, more than anything, want to die. i want others to stop hurting for me. if i am not around to hurt them, then they won’t hurt. the more that i toy with the idea of killing myself, the more sound the logic is. i don’t see why it’s wrong anymore. I don’t see. I can’t see anything other than what a burden i am. they are all better off without me. i just want to die. i don’t know what to do.
When those words are parroted back at you, they have as much meaning as when you originally said them. In order for people to help one another in these situations, more often than not, it involves giving a piece of yourself to help that other person. If you lean on each other, the two of you can do nothing but build one another up. You are worth it. Let him help you, but still be there to help if he needs it.
Stay strong, you are loved
When my depression gets really bad, I only feel logic and no emotion. I think you may be going through something similar. I find that the only time killing myself seems a logical option is when my depression is so bad that I lose all emotion. My brain doesn’t utilize the chemicals it produces so I have to take meds for it otherwise I deal with that feeling all the time. I promise you that you are needed and you have value in his life. You are wonderful and amazing and you are under a lot of stress right now and its manifesting as an increase in depression/your brain isn’t utilizing the chemicals properly or not producing enough of them. Please make sure to take some time to self care and learn how to not wear the world on your shoulders. Take a hot bath, eat some chocolate, read a good book, and be as good to yourself as you are to others