Biblical Amends

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As some of you may have read elsewhere, I’m working the 12 steps right now for self-improvement. I’ve been dragging my feet at Step 9, Amends. Biblical Amends is confessing my wrongdoing to people humbly, with no excuses, arguing, or turning the blame back on them, and asking for their forgiveness.

After 2 months of worrying and putting it off, I finally made my amends to my wife last night. She knew about most of the things, and there were a couple things that shocked her, but I put out all my secrets, guilt, and shame. There were short questions and long pauses, but in the end she said that even though she may need some time to process, she loves me no less and is willing to forgive me in time and keep moving forward together. Loving woman that she is, she said that even though I hurt her with my confessions, she was proud of me for telling her when I could just as easily have put them out of my mind. Y’all.

It played out as well as I could have hoped and better than I expected. It was painful and contrary to survival instincts, like cutting something out of my body with a table knife, but now I’m no longer hiding anything from her or trying to manage my guilt. There was a very real risk of consequences here, but being honest was the right thing to do, and in the work up to that moment I was assured that I would get through whatever happened because I had done my part to make it right. Now there are no more secrets, and with no more secrets there are also no more lies, deception, omission, guilt, shame, distance, or walls.

I feel a little gross for saying this, but as cliche as it sounds, I feel like a weight has been physically lifted off my shoulders. This was the most difficult amends for me to make, and now that it’s finished I can approach the other people I’ve harmed with more assurance that things will be okay. The next challenge will be facing the people from my past who also hurt me, but if I can find it in me to forgive them (Step 8), I should have no reason to dread meeting them.

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Hey @SheetMetalHead

I am glad you have taken that huge step by being vulnerable with your wife to make biblical amends. It is suprising sometimes how much our partners know about without us telling them, and it is good she had such an understanding response.

I loved you being clear on this and at peace.

Hearing this is extremely encouraging since now you have an idea of how the most challenging amends went. Take your time with such amends and allow time to heal wounds.

Keep growing and holding fast

EF

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Hi there @SheetMetalHead,

I haven’t seen your earlier posts, but you’ve already inspired me. It’s so admirable to me that the first person you wanted to make amends with was your wife. That is so, so difficult, and what a first “step” in step 9! I think I have a lot to learn from you, and just want to encourage you to continue what you’re doing. Your vulnerability, honesty, humility, and courage is something I really look up to!

I hope that you find time for rest and healing yourself in between meeting with those you’ve hurt and those you have hurt you- that is so, so much to deal with at once, and I wish you all the very best.

Sending love and peace,
Alex

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This is so powerful. Thank you so much for sharing those parts of your personal journey.

First it is powerful because of your progress through those steps. It shows a lot of your strength and determination to create this solid ground that you deserve in your life.
It’s also incredibly powerful to see how much love, understanding and trust there is between you and your wife. Both on your end for sharing your heart in such a vulnerable way, and for your wife to listen, understand, but also being honest about her own feelings. There is something precious here, and I am so glad you are reaching that level of mutual trust and respect.

It doesn’t sound cliche at all to say that a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Carrying our worries, pain, guilt, remorse (…) can literally impact our physicality. We just tend to be used to it, to the point of not being really aware of it anymore. The very fact that you feel like something’s gone now is such a huge step. There is something painful through this kind of process, but the reward is priceless.

Thank you again for sharing, it’s inspiring.

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Hi @SheetMetalHead
Thank you so much for sharing this journey you are taking.
I admire your strength to be honest and open with your wife and that you made the decision to take that step. You chose an option that was painful and risky and that is a step many choose to avoid. I may not know you but I am proud of you. Im not surprised you feel a big weight lifted from your shoulders.
I hope that step 8 is not to trialing for you and that you can find peace and healing on your journey

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I’m glad you made peace I wish you happiness and progress

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