Ok, so I’m very ashamed of this and it has been going on for months.
It all started when the Covid-19 Virus reached us here.
I don’t wanna make this a long story, I guess I was a little btch and I reached out for
attention just because I hadn’t had anything to do. I faked suicide. I faked problems just to start something… I don’t know how to call it. I had many online friends and told them I wanted to kill myself and stuff like that when it was never, ever true. I know you’re going to hate me for this, but it was just the way I was. I won’t do this anymore, I’ll become a better person no matter what it takes. I never told this anyone and I kinda feel a lot more comfortable doing it with ppl not knowing who I am. I don’t even know who I am.
I’ve done things like this before, and I always knew it was wrong, and I tried to stop a few times, but I couldn’t let go of the words I wanted to hear…
I know a lot of you guys are struggling with things and I’m really ashamed I’ve done this. I was a kid crying out for attention. I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. I know self-blame isn’t really good, but I actually really deserve it.
So you can hate me if you want cause that’s really what I deserve.
Hi jenny1.
I hope you are doing ok. What you did was not ok but the fact that you do feel the need to apologise is a proof that you are a good person. Everybody does bad this sometimes and sometimes for reasons we ourselves do not understand. As long as we realise our mistakes and take steps to make things right or at least try to not repeat those same mistakes I think we are on the right path. Dont beat yourself because of this mistake try not doing it again ok🙂 You might not think so but i think it was brave of you to came to this forum and share this with us. And i thank you for your honesty.
Best of luck to you
-Ashwell
Hey, first off, welcome to Heart Support! You’re in a safe place here.
There are plenty of people out there who might be upset with you for what you did, but what you did was just a symptom of problems unknown. If you’re here telling us about it and feeling remorseful, that tells me you weren’t just doing it for your own amusement. It sounds like attention-seeking behavior to me. I don’t say that to put you down or say you’re immature, but attention-seeking behavior can point to loneliness, insecurity, or feelings of irrelevance. Those are all serious and valid issues. The most severe case I know of was the deacon in my home church faking cancer for almost 10 years so that people would come visit him. When that was discovered, he was defrocked, sent to a mental hospital, and died alone, left by people who felt betrayed and manipulated; but he did it because he was lonely and didn’t want to be forgotten.
The feelings of loneliness and isolation have become oppressive during the pandemic. We haven’t heard much about faking suicidal ideation here, but I’m certain you’re not the first, and we’ve all acted out in unusual ways due to the stress.
The shame you’re feeling comes from knowing something was wrong and doing it anyway. The remorse you’re feeling comes from trying to carry the burden of your wrongdoing as it gets heavier and heavier. Your apology is you telling your secret, admitting that you were wrong and hurt people, and in the process cutting your burden free. This doesn’t guarantee that people won’t be angry with you, this doesn’t make it okay with them, but you can’t control their reactions. What you can control is admitting what you did. This was a very hard and very brave step, and I applaud you for it! I’ve had to confess some ugly things to people, and I know it’s hard.
The ugly shit we do is all the same at its core. Whether it’s drinking, drugs, stealing, lying, cheating, etc etc, it hurts people around us. We can’t undo the past, all we can do is try to pave the way for a better future. Apologize where it’s needed, mend bridges between you and the people you’ve hurt, and move forward, having been through something ugly and coming out on the other side wiser. There may be damage that can’t be repaired, friendships that are severed, but that’s beyond your control. What you can control is a brighter, more honest future.
If you’re feeling lonely, you can always post here or on our Discord. We’re an honest group of broken people who won’t judge if you’re just having a hard time. If you want to work through what brought you to this point, it wouldn’t hurt to talk to a counselor, someone who’s trained to help us unpack our shit.
Welcome, friend. I appreciate your courage and honesty, and I hope you find healing 
Hey @jenny1,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share all of this here. It was certainly very uncomfortable to write this down, but I hope this is going to be a step further for you, one that would open some new doors for growth and healing.
Yes, what you did was wrong. And the people who know you would probably be upset about it because it would give them a sense of betrayal somehow. I imagine they were genuinely worried for you and could be upset for knowing that none of it was really true. It would feel for them like “wasted” energy. However, know that no one hates you here. And even if someone did, it would be between them and themselves, as we all remain anonymous around here. The way we see you hasn’t changed. You are still part of this online family. You are still loved.
In my humble opinion, it takes a lot of courage to do what you just did, and I imagine that you’ve been through a rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts before getting to the point of being honest about all of this here. What would have been wrong would have been to persist in the lies and denial. That’s not what you’re doing. You’ve put an end to this. You’ve acknowledged that something was wrong, and you’ve decided to change the narrative. Being honest as you do right here is part of it. It is courageous. That’s who you are.
Self-blame isn’t bad in itself. The question remains of trying to see what it actually gives you though, and if it’s beneficial or not. Is it punishment? And if so, to which point is it supposed to go? Who puts the limit? How about trying instead to use self-blame as something that would allow growth and learning to happen? Evaluating what would be fair, in this situation, would be part of growth. Something that helps sometimes is to try to visualize a situation as if it was happening to someone we love. If a friend you love lied to you the same way but then came to you and explained how much they’re feeling bad and how much they deserve to feel bad about it… how would you react?
Unfortunately, oftentimes pointing fingers out at someone and focusing exclusively on the fault doesn’t help the person to actually learn from their mistake. Yes, there is a time for acknowledging the mistake. But then, what do we do about it? We need to understand why it happened, so we can do better next time, and not repeat the same. If you tell a person not to do something but never explains to them why, they’ll probably keep doing it anyway or become even more tempted to do it. So, you might need to ask yourself some questions in order to find your own limits in terms of self-blame. Why did you lie? (and I mean circumstancial reasons, not how you perceive or qualify yourself). What are the needs you were trying to meet by doing this? Do you know other and healthy ways to communicate these needs to people, ways that you could use in the future?
Lying as you did is something you’ve certainly learned over time too. As in: “I’m not worth it enough to be cared for, so I might need to go through something really serious to get the attention of someone”. Do you see how much this is different than defining yourself as “a b*tch”? The need for attention in itself is not bad. We all need it. We all need to feel cared for and validated from time to time. It’s just part of being a human being, regardless of the fact that many people judge this need as being shameful (which is sad, because honestly who would shame a kid asking for a hug?). But sometimes people learn to get attention in a wrong way. It’s okay to reflect on it, and to unlearn it progressively, so you could give more space to healthy and honest ways to communicate with the people you love. And I am absolutely certain, without a doubt, that you are able to get there… as long as you also work on trying to forgive yourself too, little by little.
You can do this, friend. You are loved. Thank you for your trust and your vulnerability.
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