I was diagnosed as bipolar about three years ago. Sometimes I think I ll have a handle on it and then I realize I’m wrong.
Lately those closest to me are saying that I can’t make up my mind and I find this is true…I feel like a different person with different goals every two weeks…I feel so exhausted. I ll think I know who I am and then I crash.
Yes I’m on medication. But meds don’t always help. It’s hopeless…I feel unreliable and as a bipolar picture would show …two faced. I ll say I have a path I’m trying to pursue…and then two weeks later it changes. I ll be soft and kind and sweet and now I feel independent and ready to tell people off. I feel like I’m made up of three different women who want to each tug me in a different directions…I feel crazy. How the fuck am I supposed to maintain a stable career path…my relationships? I feel too fucked up for anything romantic.
Then sometimes I make decisions so fast I won’t have time to think. I ll be on the road…decide to go drive off two hours away. Decisions like that can get scary because it can play with your life.
I’m terrified right now. Of myself. I feel myself unraveling. Unlovable. Difficult. Crazy. Dramatic.
I can really relate to feeling like you have multiple personalities in one body and I think many people I’ve talked to realized it as in the span of hours I’ll change from being positive back into the dark. It’s really hard to get through it but it will get better. This whole community is behind you and supporting you so I really appreciate you posting your story because it makes you vulnerable in a good way. We love you, we care about you, we support you! Hold fast friend!
Hi friend. I am SO sorry that you’re going through this.
I understand too well what it’s like to feel unreliable and unstable. I’ve been fighting for years to try and get a BPD diagnosis, but the Mental Health team won’t even see me because I’m “too functional”. I have gone through so many different medications before finding one that worked, but all of them have been for depression, which again… I’m not even diagnosed with, but for about 10 years have been told by doctors I 100% deal with. Speak to your doctor about your meds. It’ll only be more painful the longer you leave it.
One minute I want to get better and recover from all the trauma and all the shit that I’ve been through, the next? I don’t care. One minute I want people to support me and be by my side, next minute, I want them to leave because I’m only going to hurt them and push them away. One day I want to do one thing with my life, next day I want to do something different, and then another day I want nothing at all other than to just not exist.
It hurts. I know, and honestly I’m hurting for you just reading this because I understand on such a personal level, even if my situation isn’t Bipolar.
One thing I have learnt though is that, no matter what, you are freaking loved. Those people that you feel like are suffering, aren’t suffering because of the reasons you think they are. They’re hurting because they’re seeing you in pain. Let them in, talk to them. You’re not crazy, dramatic, unlovable or any of those things. You matter. You’re loved. Let them help guide you in the right direction and trust them. The fact they’ve stuck around means they care. It’s hard to believe that, and it’s hard to trust, but it’s been the thing that saved my life so many times.
I can’t share a personal experience about it but I wanted to send some waves of love and hope to you. I’ve seen, with my mother who is bipolar, that yes, it can take some time to manage it, but it’s entirely possible! And that won’t stop you to have the future you want. You are not crazy or unlovable at all. Hold fast! <3
This girl is a Twitch streamer living with bipolar. She is always happy to chat with her community and is very friendly and welcoming. It might be helpful to just have a chat with her about what you are going through, because she will understand probably better than many of us and can relate. <3
thank you so much for sharing. Just want to remind you that you are NEVER alone in your struggles and that’s perfectly OK. You are loved. We are always here for you, friend.
Thank you everyone. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. Watching that video brought tears…i was smiling so hard. Routine seems to be the theme I’m finding as a solution. I do have a few things in my life that I can pin point that I can go back to…I will make sure to keep them on schedule. It not been an easy week but this gives me a lot to think about. I’m calmer now than I was earlier…I know I won’t always stay this way but for now I’m just going to embrace it. Thank you for all the support.
