I was diagnosed as bipolar about three years ago. Sometimes I think I ll have a handle on it and then I realize I’m wrong.
Lately those closest to me are saying that I can’t make up my mind and I find this is true…I feel like a different person with different goals every two weeks…I feel so exhausted. I ll think I know who I am and then I crash.
Yes I’m on medication. But meds don’t always help. It’s hopeless…I feel unreliable and as a bipolar picture would show …two faced. I ll say I have a path I’m trying to pursue…and then two weeks later it changes. I ll be soft and kind and sweet and now I feel independent and ready to tell people off. I feel like I’m made up of three different women who want to each tug me in a different directions…I feel crazy. How the fuck am I supposed to maintain a stable career path…my relationships? I feel too fucked up for anything romantic.
Then sometimes I make decisions so fast I won’t have time to think. I ll be on the road…decide to go drive off two hours away. Decisions like that can get scary because it can play with your life.
I’m terrified right now. Of myself. I feel myself unraveling. Unlovable. Difficult. Crazy. Dramatic.