Hi everybody,
I kinda wanted to write on this forum about some thoughts and feelings I have about myself you know because it has been bothering me for a good while you know. To be honest, I hate a lot of my physical features, you know. It’s not completely bad genetics
but, I am really not content with what I have, you know. The first one is my height, I’m around 175-176 cm. I genuinely feel a lot of insecurity and self-hate because of it, you know. Where you are seen as more attractive, stronger if you are taller. And to tell you the truth, I do see more benefit in it as well, because you have a bigger frame to fit more muscle into, meanwhile when you’re shorter you can have too much muscle on your frame, which may cause health issues in the long run. Another Thing that bothers me about this is that I feel when people say that height doesn’t matter, for some reason I can’t help but think it’s people saying it in order to be kind and not because they are saying what they actually think, like a bitter truth of sorts. Hell, I even have some fears that if I get in a relationship with a woman that she might cheat on me for a taller person, you know. It’s like a disturbing thought I have in the back of my mind that fucks with me from time to time. I have a lot of bitterness and resentment on people who taller than me, you know, like why and how they became tall?why do they get to be tall, yet I got fucked?they never worked hard for it? This is the thought process I had, you know. In addition, I see a lot of horrible figures and people in history that were insanely tall, like serial rapist and killer ed kemper who was 6’9 and was extremely intelligent, and I go “why the fuck does this degenerate get to be tall, but not me?” To add to it, I used to live in a country where my height was generally the average or maybe slightly taller height, but now I moved into another country and for some reason I can’t help but notice that everyone is taller than me, maybe I’m nuts, but that just makes me resent my whole existence you know.And to add the nail in the coffin to this paragraph,online,when I talked to my online friends,we did a nice game of just guessing where we are from,height,age,etc and most of my friends said that I was 6’2,now granted I didnt confirm or deny anything,but that kinda hurt,it straight up makes me feel like Im deformed.
Another thing that bothers me about my appearance is that I don’t feel I’m large or big enough you know, I was a pretty strong person growing up, I am 200+ so It’s pretty good, but I don’t feel it’s enough, and I feel it’s the extra fat percentage rather than muscle as well, yes you could see it, but you know that the fat covers the lines you know. I never felt that I could reach my true potential. Because a lot of times I was really busy with my school work, I focused a lot on martial arts training so that was good, and I was pretty feared and respected, I was seldom seen as the enforcer character in my club because of it. But sadly and coming back to the height part, there was a guy there, wasn’t the strongest, in fact, he was very skinny, but dude was able to beat me because of his height, and I’m fully convinced it was the case, because maybe the martial art I trained gave him an advantage, but thing is, he never knocked me out, dropped me, or even hurt me badly, he just knew how to hit my head fast, dude was like 190 cm and I genuinely hated myself you know, but looking back now, I feel it’s more that I allowed the height advantage to fuck with me.but we both knew IRL, I would have smoked him, hell everyone knew. Anyway, despite this, I am still not satisfied you know, I wish I was like those giant strongman you know, I wish I was a giant, I genuinely hate myself and my body you know. Now granted, I’m still really strong, and I would say I’m really fast as well, and I’m fortunate to have been really successful in my studies as well.
And at the final part, I feel oddly that I’m not a good-looking person, now this one I feel is the least rational to tell you the truth, because I’m fortunate that I’m a really hairy guy, hell one of my friends no joke once said “Mere mortals take products to increase their hair growth, but insert my name takes products to decrease hair growth” but for some reason I can’t help but think there is a caveat, which is the way my beard is distributed if you think about it, like how someone how has curly hair, another has straight hair, etc, I feel that my beard makes me look uglier if you think about it, you know, it’s not the growth, its just how its distributed, I know it sounds absurd, and I agree, but for some reason it bothers me you know.
And I think I have a lot more stuff I wish I had, but maybe I forgot about or didn’t write, but I generally resent myself, I wish I was taller, bigger, etc, and it’s bothering me big time, so I hope you helpful people could help me out.