Body Dysmorphia

So, this is something I don’t see much dicussion on and feel like is pretty common and should be addressed.
I’ve always been open about my addiction and my self harm, but never really spoken out about my issue with appearance or food in detail.
My whole life I’ve had issues with food on and off. My mum told me that when I was born, I refused to feed and so was kept in hospital for a few weeks, and then again at age 7, I was taken back into hospital for not eating. At 15 was when things got really bad though.

I was in a Science class doing a practical exam for my final grade and started to get VERY light-headed, my partner asked me if I was okay, and I just collapsed. When the first aider came, she asked me if I had eaten, and I told her yes, I’d had a bowl of cereal before school… She didn’t believe me so phone my mum to come pick me up and confirm I was being truthful, and, well, being my mum she said I was telling the truth… Once I got in the car she revealed to me I hadn’t eaten in 2 days… The weird thing was, I could tell you exactly what I had eaten over those 2 days… This went on for a while, I was starving myself without realising I was doing so, and dropped 3 dress sizes in a few months, being around prom time, I guess I was convincing myself I wasn’t happy with how I looked and so without realising ended up doing what I was doing until I became very ill and nearly hospitalised.

Everyday I get told by dad that “my nose is too big” or “your ears are huge” or that I don’t need to eat, I’m not exactly going to “waste away” if I miss one meal… I’m not going to blame my dad for this next part, but, I feel like he’s a big part of why I still struggle as much as I do.

I’m 22 now, and ever since then have had issues seeing my body the way it truly is and I still to this day will remember eating even when I haven’t, which, I know, sounds strange. I get scared to look in mirrors, I avoid pictures where I can, and I get suicidal when I know my picture is being put out for people to see. I look at them and see that I look horrendously fat… No matter how many people, tell me I look fine in the picture, I can’t see it any other way. I can trust that person 100% and still not believe them. I can’t go shopping without someone else with me because I will buy clothes that are 2 sizes too big because I genuinely believe that is my size. It’s not until I actually put the item on I realise it’s too big. I look in the mirror and pretty much everytime think about starving myself all over again, because I feel physically sick at what I see.

It’s not just my body size anymore though. I hate my features, including seeing my nose being too big and that I’m ugly. Hell, even my teeth - I was bullied for not having “perfect teeth” in school. For some people, they can do everything to look after their teeth properly, but still have a yellow tint to them, and for me, that’s something I deal with… They’re not straight because my mother refused the chance for me to get braces as a kid… These things make me very self conscious when I smile and even talk to someone face to face, to the point I actually cover my mouth a lot of the time when I’m sitting talking to someone even though, it’s not actually overly noticable.

So, this is some of my story. I guess I wanted to get this talked about more.

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You should embrace your features it’s what makes you unique in the world and awesome. Be who you were made to be the world is tough place but if we all nicer to each other and no judgment things would be so much. I have pectus excavitum which my chest concave and it does give me some issues but I’ve come to embrace it and make it apart of me and what makes me different.

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Thank you for sharing! Glad you’ve come to embrace it :blush:

Hey, don’t worry it’s all okay, I’ve seen a lot of people dealing with what you have dealt with. You are special, no one can EVER replace you. You can talk to me if you’re feeling down or upset or anything. Remember, you have loved ones you can talk to too. Remember, someone in the world loves you, and they will always love you. You look beautiful just the way you are, if you looked any different, you wouldn’t be you, and being you is the best thing in the world :earth_africa::heart:

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