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Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Major Depression

I feel so lost in who I am as person, I don’t know how to handle the smallest of things at times. I just crumble under all pressure, feel as if I’m being judged for every move I make by anyone including my family. I can’t have clear thoughts in my head no matter how hard I try and when I do try it just seemed to be more exhausting than anything. I’ve lost my identity when I was young I had a very emotional and physically abusive childhood and it’s messed me up in so many ways that I don’t even know how to put words on it. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist but for some reason it doesn’t seem to feel like it’s enough, I feel like I’m not enough and I feel like my life will always be full of darkness and confusion as to who I really am inside.

Thank you for sharing with us. First of all, you are enough already. You are fighting through some very hard times and hard past trauma. It is not fair that you had those experiences, you did not deserve to be treated that way. Pain and trauma take time to work through but it is possible to experience times that aren’t full of darkness. Take each day at a time and stay strong. We are here for you when you need to share or receive encouragement. You are already on the right path by seeking help from your therapist and psychologist which is great. Even in the midst of working through all of the things that are weighing on you, you are enough. Progress and healing are possible and we believe in you

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Thank you @ktStark, I just constantly feel like I’m crazy inside and that my life doesn’t mean anything to anyone, even the people closest to me. At times it’s very trying just to get out of bed or to help around the house. I feel like a burden on my wife and our children. I feel as if my body is ugly and my tattoos are horrible. I feel that everywhere I turn I’m being judged for one thing or another. I don’t want to be like my dad and yet some days I see myself turning into him and that makes me hate myself even more. Am I wrong for how I feel?

Your life does have meaning! I understand the idea of feeling crazy or unhappy with yourself, you are not alone and there are a number of other people who are also working through hard things. Having internal struggles does not make you crazy. And if some days you aren’t able to help around the house, that does not make you less valuable or a burden on your family. It is okay to take days to do what you need when you need it, you shouldn’t feel bad for needing space to recover or rest. I have had a lot of days when I just can’t get myself off the floor, too, and I know how hard it is. Especially when there is a to-do list of things and I feel bad for not doing them, but in reality that list can usually wait. You want to help out with your family, which is great, but sometimes it is okay to release yourself from that pressure.
Hang in there :star:

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Hi replying to (ty_The_Aries) I was reading your post and I feel your pain. I understand what it’s like having an abusive childhood, it’s hard and it stays with you. It hurts, I know. You are strong and awesome. You have a beautiful family. When you talked about turning into your father, I could totally relate to that too. I notice my mother’s mannerisms in myself everyday and pray I don’t end up homeless and alone like her. So you see, you are not alone. We all have fears and worries. You will get through this. We are here for you. I know it may not feel that way right this second, but it will. I hope your day/week gets better:).

@ktStark @Blueyz8288 Thank you so much it does help alot and I see my psychiatrist today so hopefully she can help me in some way as well because I feel as if my emotions and thoughts are controlling me more than I control them and it scares me cause they feel as if they’re becoming stronger and I just need the clarity and the relief of being able to let things roll right off of me and be able to handle the mental battles as they come instead of it ruining me. As for the part that I had mentioned that I feel like I’m becoming my dad I’ve always been told that I will always seem to look like my father and me having his looks and just knowing how he was to me makes me hate myself and feel disgusted to even see my reflection and I don’t want to act like him either but I still see him come out of me at times and when it does I become irritated and angry at myself and hate myself even more and it makes it so hard to just love myself and who I am especially when I don’t know who I am inside to begin with.

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