Boys ? Relationships in question?

Where do I begin?

So I liked this guy for awhile now that I’ve known for about two years now ? We’ve been in voice calls off and on but also we’ve kinda I guess “flirt” with each other . The thing is , we live in two different states . Which I know is a hard thing to do . Something I know he said In a public call with our friends is that he made a comment of “we would of been dating by now if we were in the same state.”

Anywho , before I get sidetracked typing this . The reason why I am writing this is , I’m afraid of loosing him , I am afraid of him seeing another side of me that hasn’t came out in years .I mean yeah we’ve gotten into arguments once or twice but I’ve apologized for it and told him I hated arguing with him . He’s the one person I’m afraid of loosing . Loosing him will wreck me ………

Then there’s this conversation I had with another friend , she brought up that someone in our friend group might like me and that he won’t stop talking when I’m there .
Which is making me question everything . Do I ask him? (He’s also in another state ) Do I just let that comment slide by?
I honestly don’t know , because I find both guys attractive as heck. I don’t know what to do .
This is hard on me. What do y’all think is the best option for me?

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Hey @all_around_ashley,

What a situation, indeed! These two comments, from this guy and from this other friend, must bring quite some conflicting feelings and, I imagine, fears of not making a right decision or regretting it afterwards. My first thought reading your post is that you seem to already have a good relationship with this first friend, and you said something significant:

He’s the one person I’m afraid of loosing.

Although I hear you and understand this fear of your relationship changing drastically if you were to be in a different relationship. Is what he said about the fact that you could have been together if you were living closer something that you discussed together afterwards? He may share the same fears as you, or others that would be similar.

On the other side, regarding this other friend, do you know each other well? How do you feel about him emotionally?

I hear you when you say that they are both attractive, and I believe that your decision may hold in needs and desires that you would need to identify, such as:

  • Are you looking for a stable relationship or something purely physical?
  • How do you feel already about these two guys?
  • Do you know with certainty if they are interested by having a relationship with you at the moment? (more conversations beyond the statements of your friends).

I know this certainly brings more questions than answers and I am of course in no right to tell you what to do. Although I’d like to invit eyou to explore these questions and identify your needs, to eventually see where your heart is at. :hrtlegolove:

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Afternoon @Micro ,

I don’t exactly remember what brought up that comment but me , him and a few of our friends were talking about something then he made that comment . But other wise after that comment we really haven’t talked about it bedsides messing around in a call with friends . Occasionally “flirting” with each other , etc ………

When I made the comment Of “he’s the one person im afraid of loosing” it was more leaning towards of I am afraid of him seeing me mad and angry , and frustrated . Preferably I don’t want to loose him if me and him get into any fights or some sort of argument …… but that also leans towards that afraid being rejected by him/ or if me and him get together then later down the road “break up”.

We hav known each other for awhile know . He’s another person I really trust with my life. Emotionally, my feelings for him are about just the same as it is for my other friend .

  1. More stable then anything physical. , I want to take it slow . It’s been a good couple years six I have been in a relationship.

  2. Honestly , I like them I find them attractive and such. But it’s hard to explain.

  3. With the first guy , I know I should bring it up with him but I m too scared to do so. With the other guy I am not sure because he’s already been through a long distance relationship with someone that didn’t last. I don’t want him to be hurt . But at the Sam time . I wan o give him a chance to be in a relationship with someone who treats him right.

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My answer is coming from more of a logistics standpoint with the long distance aspect since I have been in 3 long distance relationships.

Relationship 1 - on and off, we knew each other for many years and even dated in person before being long distance and it was pretty much doomed to fail. I mean, yes, we were there for each other in a way but we werent able to meet each others needs in other ways, things as simple as holding someone’s hand or receiving a hug on a bad day. It doesn’t seem like much on the surface but the longer it goes on, the more you just crave the little things.

Relationship 2 - this was one of those situations where the other party had a very tumultuous life which I had always been an online support during. I had also known this person for quite a while and wanted to be the first person who treated them right. But I dont think they were ready for that. It’s kind of hard to explain. But there was very little communication because of the distance and ultimately it ended.

Relationship 3 - this is how my marriage started; my husband and I got married and he still had a year left of college 8 hours away, so that year was long distance and let me tell you… it was so hard. My depression got really bad. I just wanted to see him or hear his voice or cuddle but I couldnt. I would cry when he came home for spring break and I would cry again when he left. It was worth it in the long run because he is worth it, but no joke - it takes a LOT of mental fortitude. Just 365 days. Just 364 days. Oh, no, will he pass this class? 363 days. I cant believe I havent seen him for x days. And it keeps going and going and it really is hard to bear.

I know we all handle things differently and while 1 thing may work for someone it may not work for others. I generally advise against long distance relationships, especially if there are no plans to eventually be together in person. Because yea, you are a good support but at the end of the day that other person can’t hold you, they can’t sit with you and enjoy your presence and they don’t get any other physical needs met (I guess this isn’t as important if you’re asexual). At the same time, I am not you or them so I wouldnt want to make that decision for you.

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Update,
I think I made a decision, but I still am not sure.I am trying to figure out what i should say.i don’t want to hurt him emotionally. I know I should be honest with him,but what do i say?

You could just say something like your heart is with someone else. Let him know that he is a great person and didn’t do anything wrong. You just have to follow your heart.

I think I know now I want to phrase it now.
My plan is to tell him that I am in a pickle and I don’t know what todo . Then I’ll explain what I am feeling and how confused my brain is about this.

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So,
I sent him a message on how I felt, it went ok.
All he wanted was for me to be happy. Even though it turned out ok, i still broke down, and curled up into a ball.I had trouble getting out of bed but i did.after a bit every thing fell back to “normal”.

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So proud of you for expressing your feelings and thoughts, @all_around_ashley. It must have taken quite some energy to be vulnerable like this with someone you care about. I hope their response gives you some clarity and, at the very least, a little bit of peace of mind.

May this new day be restful to you. Take care. :hrtlegolove:

@Micro ,
Yes it did. Their response they gave surprised me.
All he wants is for me to be happy, which I am.

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