I feel really silly sitting here typing all of this out, but here I am anyway.
I was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago and I feel that I do meet majority of the criteria. If you are familiar with the disorder and may have the disorder, you know that it is common to be misunderstood and labled unfairly.
I am hyper aware of myself, my thoughts, and all of my emotions. I have severe abandonment issues and get attached to people really easily but then again, feel the need to push them away; especially because I feel like I need to protect them from myself. I live with SI and I have been given coping mechanisms that seem not to work for me anymore, especially in a time like this where I am alone most of the time. I feel that I am usually a good person because I love and care for others so intensely. I feel like those in my life that know about my disorder find me difficult and feel that they have to walk on eggshells around me because I am so sensitive and feel emotions so strongly that I can’t control.
Since the quarantine started, my SI has been more intense. I hit a breaking point today and I think that the biggest reason I feel suicidal is because I feel like a terrible waste of space and don’t want to be around to hurt anyone emotionally and I don’t have the energy to keep fighting the disorder and the inner monologue that I have. I am very tired of feeling things to such a deep extent.