I am struggling very badly right now. My girlfriend of a year and a half broke up with me, and I am completely lost.
There was a moment during our fight today when she broke down and started shaking and crying. In that moment I realized all that was wrong. I am like my dad. I’m narcissistic, I am selfish. On top of that I have severe trust issues, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. She mentioned she can’t keep taking the brunt when I don’t even realize I’m having bad days. I really just want to be better and I want to find my connection with her again. I absolutely love her so much, but I was always so afraid she was going to leave I pushed her to do so. I need help, I’m broke, I’m all alone right now, and I just feel so lost.
We had tickets to Beartooth and we had a camping trip planned. This all obviously fell through and she’s going camping with a friend now, and sent me the tickets to use for the concert. Music is my escape and I don’t even want to go. I feel so empty. So numb.
I was completely selfish, I wanted everything my way 100% or not at all. And I would start fights just to complain about my personal life.
I wasn’t forgiving of an event before our relationship began and I held it the whole relationship and didn’t express trust, compassion, or teamwork. I hurt her more than anything else
I relate to some of these aspects. The trust thing is something I’m having problems with as well. But some of the stuff I’ve held on to are from her past mistakes and not trusting myself because of my mistakes which project on to her. Relationships are very much a give and take thing. You have to be a team player you have to be able to flex on your position and realize you always can’t get your way. This part I see in my wife who is damaged also. Most of my current problems stem from my relationship with my dad and my relationship with my wife and me not trusting that I have a safe place with them.
That is absolutely it. My mom went to rehab when I was six and my dad convinced me that she didn’t want me. Then at 11 my brother passed away, and at 12 my dad left me living in my house alone, every relationship I s had has ended in me being left behind, and it’s 100% leant to my trust issues.
I projected all of that into my relationship and it became a daily fight until she couldn’t take it. Today I called my works assistance program and I have six free counseling sessions. It’s at the least a start to be on the mend and hopefully I can get my relationship back. She’s my lighthouse in choppy waters.
I don’t know if any of what you have described about yourself makes you are narcissist, but definitely use the counseling. I believe it will help you become the person you want to be.
Thank you for sharing this story with us. This narrative is very dear to my heart because I have trust issues, anxiiety, bipolar disorder as well. I can understand the pulls and sways of the psyche especially when there are close loved ones near by. They can get caught in the cross fires of the mind and it can be really devastating to experience the effects of something we cannot control like mental illness.
It is amazing to me that you recognize the mirror reflection of you and your father. I have had many moments like that, where my behavior mimics that of which I have known and grown up with, and that makes it extra challenging to manage and live with. I think being better for the people you love is an excellent thing to do. I know from my own experience, it takes time to reach that point. I also feel like you’re on the right track - you’re so self aware and you’re so willing to change. These are all good signs.
Wishing you the absolute best on your journey. You are going to get through this and you are going to achieve what you desire. Keep working <3 You are loved. warmly, Dot.