Bringing up old trauma to my family

[cxbachx]

TW: for sexual abuse.

I didn’t think much of it when my first “real boyfriend” told me he enjoyed being rough when intimate. This turned into my first kiss him grabbing me forcefully and squeezing my ass really hard. I didn’t even have time to think about it. Which turned into our first time cuddling on the floor of my dorm into him all of sudden making out with me and when I pulled away unsure he just kinda kept going. I know this isn’t as bad as some cases of sexual assault and I should’ve just said no, but this has sent me down a path of doing sexual things I’m not really down for in order to impress guys because after that my first boyfriend broke up with me a week later. I’m at a crossroads because I really do want to pursue romantic and intimate relationships again but I’m afraid I’ll end up in another sticky situation. And I don’t want to bring it up to my mom and family because her and my grandmother are very much into purity culture and I’m afraid they’ll just blame this on me being “fast” and “disobedient to god’s will”. I plan on bringing this up to my therapist next time we meet. But I’m struggling within myself, I understand that’s it’s not my fault but this itty bitty part of me feels like I was dumb and reckless and if you play stupid games you win stupid prizes.

[Micro]

Hey @cxbachx,

That’s really brave of you to share all of this, and to do it despite how you feel about yourself because of what happened: thank you, really. You’re among friends here. No judgment at all.

What happened was indeed a sexual assault, and your boyfriend at the moment didn’t have the right to have sex without your consent. I understand why it feels like you should have said “no”, like something loud and clear, also that it feels like it’s not “as bad as others”. But you mention pulling away and he kept going. You didn’t expect him to behave this way, you couldn’t guess what would happen and it’s normal if you didn’t know how to say “no”. And as you said: it’s not your fault. Consent can take a lot of different shapes, and assault too.

You are not dumb, friend. You didn’t deserve this. How you feel now, somehow guilty and scared to be involved in a new relationship, is absolutely understandable. It can be really scary to trust someone again, to be sure that you won’t be hurt, that the person who’d be with you would be aware of what you express through words but also beyond them. That makes perfect sense.

Indeed, talking about it will be a way to process what happened. Also to receive the support you need to consider the idea of engaging yourself in a romantic relationship. I’m sorry you can’t really talk about it in your family for the moment. There can be a lot of judgment or misunderstandings when someone decide to share about something important like this. But also, wanting to talk to your therapist about it is very positive. It would be definitely a first step. They’re here to provide you a safe place where you can, indeed, share anything, but also especially things you can’t share anywhere else. You won’t be judged, friend. It’s absolutely okay to talk about this with your therapist. And if you need, you can prepare what you want to say before, or even use this post that you just wrote here.

Really, really proud of you for sharing, for acknowledging what happened, for putting words on it and for your intention to talk about it with your therapist. You’re doing great, friend. And you’ll be okay. It’s okay to learn to be vulnerable about this, at your own pace. It’s okay to take your time. It’s okay to feel how you feel. We’re in this with you, rooting for you.

[EchoeWings]

Hi there @cxbachx - Thank you for being so brave as to share your experience with us. It means a lot to be able to support you and be here for you while you are struggling with this.

I want to echo what @Micro said and tell you that you absolutely did nothing wrong. I also experienced abuse like this in my life, and I find it is really easy to say things to ourselves like; I didn’t have to go there, I shouldn’t have been there, I could have said no, I shouldn’t have said that, I could have worn something different. This is 100% okay to do, because trying to prevent it from happening again is how a lot of people react. To do that, you need whys and hows and what you can do in the future. I want to tell you right now that nothing you do, say, wear, or places you go have anything to do with predators and predatory behavior. You are not the cause of their behavior in any way shape or form.

I want to say also that your experience is not less important, less valid, or less “bad” because someone else also had a terrible experience. Everything you feel is completely valid and very important to us.

I am so sorry you are experiencing all this turmoil, but I am incredibly proud of you for planning to discuss this with your therapist, and sharing your story with us. I hope saying it out loud has helped you reconcile some of your feelings. I look forward to hearing about how you are doing

[cxbachx]

So i’d like to give yall an update. Disclosed to my friends what happened they have all been supportive, and today I brought it up in therapy. Not gonna lie, my therapist asked me some tough questions but I’m ready to start the healing process and unlearning some things. Thank yall for the kind words

[Micro]

That’s so awesome @cxbachx. Reaching out is scary but definitely worth it. I really hope you are proud of the efforts you’re dedicating to your mental health. Hope you take the time to acknowledge those victories. I’m also really glad you have supportive friends with you. And despite the tough questions that your therapist asked, keep in mind that it’s really in your interest and only to head for one goal: your healing. Which is an overall priority.

You’re doing great. No… You’re doing amazing!

If you ever need or want to discuss about this process you’re in, feel always free to share here. We’re in this with you, still.