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Broken but trying

So I don’t even know where to start honestly but here it goes… I’m going to be 43 next Sunday and I feel that I have wasted my life, I’ve made some pretty dumb decisions in the past, never feeling true love from my parents or in any relationship I’ve ever been in. I have always just settled because I never knew I deserved better. When I was 17 I got pregnant with my son. I love that kid so much!! He is 21 btw with 2 kids of his own now, Charlotte and Noah, they live in Florida and I’m in ct for now. Anyway Devon’s father who I was with for 15 years was in a motorcycle accident when Dev was about 6 and I worked in a pharmacy as a tech and had been begging me for months to steal him pain pills, lortabs, his doctor would only give him 30 5’s a month, finally I got sick of him making me feel guilty for not doing it and I hated seeing him in pain so I did it and I finally got got caught after being watched and followed for 6 months and having no idea. So never really being in trouble and not knowing what to do when the cops got me I told them that I did it and confessed so I was arrested and bonded out in about a week. Almost a year went by and I had to go to court I was found guilty of drug trafficking because I had 7 pills on me when I got caught and the weight of the pills stuck me with a mandatory minimum in the state of Florida. The judge I had was a dick and wanted to make an example out of me and instead of giving me a suspended sentence which he could of very easily done gave me 3 years in prison, u could of gotten 25 years but that didn’t happen thank god. So that’s when my whole world came crashing down when I got that sentence. I will never be the same again, that was in 2008 here it is 2021 and I still can’t get past it. After I got out I had found out that my sins father had cheated on me and even got married. Everything had changed. I was si broken and hurt I couldn’t believe it , after all I had done for him. Since then I got into relationships that always left me getting hurt. I ruined my whole life for him. I’m a felon for the rest of my life and I ruined a career that I was damn good at. So I went back to live with my mother which was not easy because there was a lot of resentment there because of the way she treated me and was never there for me. Rule was u had to get a job and pay her 100 a week so I did, i ended up getting into another toxic relationship with a drug addict and ended up stealing money from work to send him money to jail! Why did I do this again u ask? I can’t answer that. I thought I was helping once again even though I knew it was wrong. So bam I get arrested again and violating probation which I got 5 years of on top of a 3 year prison sentence. I’m such an idiot trust me I know. So I get out of jail mom kicks me out I end up moving in with my friend Kristina, she turned out to be a snake in the grass after she introduced me to her friend Gary that lived in ct, I was still in fla then. So we talk in the phone for weeks and we hit it off, he was actually a very good guy and no drug problems. So we meet and he ends up moving to fla to be with me then whole bunch of drama happens and shit hit the fan. So we looked for our own place, btw my son was living with his grandparents and father and I saw him all the time I just didn’t have the heart to rip him out of a good home after all the dumb choices I made and had no stability in my life. So we ended up moving to hotel to hotel because we couldn’t find a place so we decided to move to ct and start over and I’ve been here for 7 years. Things started going down hill about 3 years ago. He is angry all the time and doesn’t really acknowledge me. I work full time at Dunkin which I hate and we live with his parents which is horrible, he is picky on where he wants to live and things just suck really bad I feel unwanted, unattractive and I have no more hope. I think about killing myself every day. I’ve done too much damage and I have no one to talk to, everybody is just so mean all of the time. I think I’m a pretty good person I’ve just made some shitty decisions I just can’t catch a break. I’ve wasted my life. U don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not worth being happy I guess, that’s all I’ve ever wanted was to be happy but it’s just not in the cards for me I guess

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Hey @Felisha0418, first off, welcome to Heart Support! You’re among friends here.

You’ll have to excuse me not addressing your whole post in detail, I’m worn out. However, I just wanted to say I hear you. The justice system in this country is stupid. You pay your debt to society, but society never forgives you. I think it’s awful that you can’t get a decent job with a felony that follows you after you’ve been “punished” for it. What I’m hearing, though, is that you’re determined and still working hard to do right by the people you care about, and that’s huge! Jail time doesn’t make life easy, but here you are still grinding away, when you could just as easily say what’s the point. I hope things get better for you, and I hope you catch a break. Lord knows you’ve worked hard enough for it. Hold fast.

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I can tell you with certainty that your life has purpose and meaning and value. Sure there have been some mistakes that had some serious consequences, but that too is a cycle that a lot of folks get trapped in. On the positive side, you sound like you’re showing up everyday, and doing what you need. You’ve come so far, and I commend you on being brave and for all the effort you’ve put it over the years. I do hope you can get some support here. But I just want to say I see you, I see your struggles, and I know you’re worthy of being happy and safe. Thanks for trusting us enough to share your story.

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They really should call the legal system in this country the “injustice system.” My son got into a lot of trouble. It was all in one way or another connected to drugs. All told, he spent about 14 years in prison. Believe it or not, he’s 43 right now. He has a 19-year-old son, who is also had drug problems, but fortunately has never been arrested. My son has not had any problems with the law since he was released at the age of 34. You are right. Felons have a really hard time starting over. That’s why I call it the “injustice system.” The record follows you, and makes it really really hard to find decent work.

My son did a lot of odd jobs, and low-paying jobs where they didn’t ask questions about a person’s background. He was depressed, and drank too much. Then about three years ago someone helped him get a job as a phlebotomist. The job application asked something like “have you ever been arrested in New York?” Of course, he said no. The company did what I would imagine was a very low budget background check, which didn’t reveal his past. The pay wasn’t great, but he found himself taking pride in his work, and became good at it. I believe it was the first honest employment that he actually stuck with.

After a year, the company he worked for was sold, but operationally, it didn’t make much difference to the employees. However, the new company did background checks on everyone. They discovered my sons felony record, and they “sort of” fired/suspended him. I can’t imagine what the rationale was, but they told him he could come back to work after couple of months, which he did. Since then, he’s been working steadily and getting raises.

So, after all these years, he’s doing okay.

The point of this true story is, as hard as it’s been for you, it’s still possible to have a satisfying life. There is reason to be hopeful. Opportunities may manifest from unexpected places.

Unless you have stolen someone else’s picture, it’s clear that you are plenty attractive.

In some states, there are programs that help ex-felons find decent employment. Job training is also a possibility.

By the way, welcome to Heart Support. Stay in touch. Let us know how you’re doing.

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