Broken, confused

Hi guys,

Its been a while since I’ve posted, a lot has changed with me. Many positive achievements however emotionally I feel that I’ve regressed. I am in a relationship and im not sure if its good for me. I’ve made mistakes that is very out of character for me. My bf has always questioned my character to the point that I’ve actually doubted myself. We are in a long distance relationship and I understand that he is insecure but it is just overwhelming at times. I became very unhappy in the relationship and I spoke to another guy on whatsapp. I basically cheated because I didn’t tell this other guy that I was in a relationship. I’ve never met this other guy and we just texted back and forth for a month but it was very wrong of me and I am extremely disappointed in myself. I told my bf the truth and he was upset and he still uses it against me very often. He has said the most harshest things to me and im just afraid of leaving him because he can be so good at times, plus he knows a lot about me. I feel that he can’t accept me for who I am, he wants to change everything about me and he gives so little but expects so much in return. I really need advice.

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hey @Need_help2705 !

i’m very thankful that heartsupport has been there for you in the past and is still here today to support you in any way you need. it also makes me happy to hear that you’ve achieved a lot of positive things since you’ve been here which is super amazing!

however, you mentioned how you regressed emotionally since then. from everything you explained here, i want to start out by saying that i admire your transparency on this forum as you and your partner go through this. it takes a lot of strength and i hope i can provide some advice you’re looking to receive.

with the situations you’ve described and from an outside perspective, it hurts me to know that both of you are feeling such pain in this relationship, especially since you have so much love to offer. you are confident in yourself and anyone who tries to change you should raise a red flag. all in all, the relationship, regardless of the bond/history you both have built with each other, is unhealthy. if a relationship does the opposite of its purpose, which is to help you become a better version of yourself, then it would pain me to suggest that these behaviors continue in the relationship.

communication is always key in strengthening and fixing a relationship so maybe y’all could start there. voicing your concerns openly and honestly, tell him that you don’t need to change, that the fact that you tried to find happiness elsewhere is unhealthy for both of you, and that you want equality within this relationship.

outside of the relationship advice, i just want you to know that i am proud of you. your happiness should be your priority so that you’re able to take care of the other person in the relationship and i hope with everything that i have that you find that happiness. i look forward to hearing back on how this all goes, i believe in you no matter what route you choose to take!

love,
twix

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Hey @Need_help2705,

Thank you so much for sharing all of this, friend. It sounds that your boyfriend and you are going through a lot and it’s important to just let it out sometimes. Writing, sharing, being vulnerable gives us a perspective we don’t always have. So once again, thank you for sharing.

It sounds that your boyfriend wants you to be a certain way, so it makes absolutely sense that, on your end, you kinda try to look after something different somewhere else. Relationships, love, make us change and grow over time, but still it has to rely on a solid ground of unconditional love. Expecting someone to be different and reminding them of how we want them to be, of their mistakes or their flaws, is the opposite of a healthy way to love. You are not made to fit in a mold, and that is something your boyfriend might need to understand over time.

However, on his end, being sad and upset is also understandable. He was probably hurt by what you did, but it’s still unfair to keep reminding you of this past mistake.

With the situation as it is now, you both have reasons to resent each other. It’s something that you might need to work on, together. To agree to talk honestly, to clear every possible unsaid resentment, and see if you decide from now on to work on that together or not. Communication is so important to make relationships work, and even more when there’s a physical distance. Worst thing would be to leave things unsaid to the point that any minor inconvenience would become a reason for a bigger argument to happen. It’s the kind of situation that would make you both lose sight of the real reasons behind your disagreements. Now might be a good time to talk and to try to address these issues together.

Know that beyond all of this, you are also enough just as you are. Let us know how it goes or you, if that’s okay. You are loved dearly. :hrtlegolove:

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Hi, thank you so much for your feedback. I have taken it into consideration and I thoroughly appreciate it. I actually found out that my bf has cheated on me, he admitted this to me yesterday.

I feel so hurt and mentally exhausted. He had given me such a hard time for just talking to someone. He said the worst things to me for eg. He regrets ever being with me intimately. I have no value. I am scum. Just the worst things and he just lies a lot and his story changes down the line. He wants to make things work with me but right now I don’t want to speak to him or see him. I keep thinking why is it that I’m putting myself through this, why am I staying with someone like this, everyone keeps questioning me. I’m financially independent, I hardly see him since we’re in a long distance relationship. I hardly talk to him as well and I enjoy my own company. So why is it that I keep going back to this toxicity.

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