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Broken life on "nightmare" difficulty

Hi everyone.

English is not my native language, so i’m sorry if i make a mistake. I will try to make it short, not to annoy you with long stories…

2 hours ago i came from a second visit to a therapist. On first visit she prescripted me 2 types of pills from depression, which made my life an agressive and sleepless hell (i’m a very calm person, but on pills i start to get angry on everyone). This time, after listening for 10 minutes about my problems with pills and anger managment she just said: “Stop. My therapist beliefs won’t allow me to treat you further. Please walk out” and opened the door. I came to get help for money to a clinical center and even they…just dumped me. In the worst time of my whole miserable life.

But the reason i’m here is not the therapist, she was only the “last straw”. I’m 33 years and i hate myself, i hate my father that always hit me in childhood and cheated my mother, i hate my mother that she was always on a job, but not with me. Everyone say: “You need to forgive them and move on”. Why would i forgive them for ruining my life?

In school everyone was laughing on me, because i thought about going out with girls, but i was very naive that kindness and good sense of humor would allow me to date girls. I could watch people in the eyes only 2 years ago, before that i always thought that such trash as i is not allowed to watch. For more than 20 years i cried at night and i do it regularry, but last week i understood that i don’t have strenght to even cry anymore. Now i have a beutiful wife and a child (what could go wrong?), but i cannot tell them my problems because why would i place my problems on anyone’s shoulders? Same thing with friends. My salary can only cover basic family needs and it hits me with another punch. I want my family (not me) to live much better, because they deserved it. And the worst thing is that i’m too cowardly to make a suicide attempt.

This was very hard to write, because i cannot burden my problems on anyone.

Please help…

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Hey Mike - thank you so much for being brave enough to come here and post, seeking the support you need. I was appalled to read what happened with that therapist… You definitely deserve to be treated better than that by a professional (and by anyone, for that matter!). As for the forgiveness part of this, forgiveness isn’t necessarily always best, imo. Sometimes just moving on in spite of things that have happened in your past is the best you can do. You are not a burden here, I absolutely appreciate you sharing and being open enough to seek out support. You are worthy of love, and you MATTER.

In case you need any of these:
Suicide Lifeline in the US: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Transgender Lifeline: US: 877-565-8860 | Canada: 877-330-6366
International: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
To text a trained Crisis Counselor, text HOME 741741
Veterans Crisis Hotline: Text 838255
more chat, text, call & accessibility options: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

It is NEVER too late!

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From: fionnafiers

Mike, thank you so much for coming here for support. I want to reassure you that your problems are not a burden, and that continuing to live this life is not cowardly at all. You are incredibly brave to continue living. It’s okay to not want to forgive your parents, and you don’t have to. I would encourage you to seek out a different therapist, someone who is a better fit and can help you process and move past your struggles. You do deserve support, and you are not a burden.

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hello Mike
you deserve happiness as much as your family does

the way that the therapist has acted is so rude and not professional so just forget about that and don’t even think like it was your fault or blame your self for it so just let this one go
all of us have problems in our childhood
i myself had a really nervous child hood and lots of pressure was on me but you deserve better
forgiving is not easy the same way forgetting
you deserved much better and still do if you ask me stop being in touch with your parents and get away from whatever that hurts you
your parents
your childhood house
where you used to live
these are the things that probably won’t help you forgiving but help you forget it
you said now i have a beautiful wife and a child
good for you mike it’s great that you have her by your side and i think you should talk to her
of course she loves you and will understand
i bet you are a great dad for your kid and that’s awesome you should be proud pf yourself
despite your personal problems you are still fighting and trying
financial problems are normal i think everyone has exprienced it and there are thousends of ways that you can make it better

i hope it helps you and i know how hard it was for you to reach out i am proud of you
take care

Wow. This is the first time in my life that so many people replied to my call. I thought that my problems are a burden and only my resposibility. I’ve watched a video on HS Youtube channel, where Casey said very intersting phrase: “If you want to lift a grand piano, you just call for help because it’s impossible to lift it yourself”. I’m having trouble understanding this, because my mind says: “Pfff…just go to the gym and in 2-3 months you will lift that piano. Do not even try to place your problems on others”

I do not know why my mind tells me that, maybe some child trauma. How can i ever tell myself that i need help and ask others for it? How to understand that asking for help is normal and that does not make me weak?

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Today i accidentally clicked on a casino banner…who am i lying to? Online casino manager called me and said that they can offer double deposit, if i play on 50$. I thought that can earn some small money for my family. But instead of putting 50$, i accidentally put 500$ and that was the last money for this month. Rules say that i cannot make a refund, so i played and lost. Actually, it’s more than a half of my salary…

Another punch in the face with a tire iron.

Just sit there, crying, don’t know what to do and when this all will end. I dream of a dark lady coming for me, making a hud with words like “It’s over. Just close yor eyes and i will take you to the other side”.

No hope for me at all.

This was very hard to write, because i cannot burden my problems on anyone.

How can i ever tell myself that i need help and ask others for it? How to understand that asking for help is normal and that does not make me weak?

Do not even try to place your problems on others

I’ve been stuck with this thought recently. It wasn’t the first time, but once again I realized how much this is likely to push us into social isolation, guilt for struggling and even for being. And of course, all of its dark consequences.

A friend once shared with me a short video of DrMickLive’s stream. He’s a licensed therapist (and highly recommended to see on Twitch) and what he says on this short video is a good reminder of some important truths about this feeling/fear of being a burden. Just wanted to share it with you as well, hoping that it could encourage you. I like to come back to it myself when I need or think about it:

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