Broken (self harm ideations and intense swearing)

I just left a discord I basic help run for over a year cuz I said something that triggered others cuz they all took it the wrong way and I just I left I can’t be there and not be a mod I been a mod in it since it was started and I just feel like I lost community even tho I didn’t belong there for a long time it seems and I just I can’t fucking deal with it all rn I just wanna beat the piss outta my own stupid fucking face I’m so tired of this shit of groups I join becoming so fucking toxic and just UGH I wanna fucking break every fucking rib I have I’m so fucking angry I wanna leave fucking bruises so purple they are black I wanna choke my self unconscious I fucking hate my self I can never fucking convey how I think or feel in ways others can understand me I’m so fucking god damn stupid I just wanna fucking SCREAM IM SO FUCKING ANGRY I JUST FUCKING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH FUCKING STUPID FUCKING CUNT

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Hey, deep breathes, in 1…2…3…4 out 1…2…3…4 repeat this for a bit.

I understand that feeling, I havent been a mod but I’ve had to leave a community before, it really is scary, everything you know and love and stand for you have to abandon because of one reason or another, and it feels like doomsday because it’s the day you’ve dreaded the most to come, but know they never intended to do anything but take away a role, you’re still a member, and even if it takes time, eventually over time if you stay they regain their trust in you and forgive you. They might be upset right now but the fact they didn’t ban you proves they don’t hate you. I… Know how it feels feeling like you’re hated after saying something wrong, I’ve done it alot by pure accident, but if they knew you didn’t mean it the way you did they should take that into account as friends, and if they do know that, they’ll keep in touch. You haven’t been rejected from the community, you made a pure mistake and they took that into account by not banning you, but it’s okay to decide to take a break from it for a while and come back when you feel better. Sometimes we need breaks too, that’s okay. I’ve had times where I’d leave a server for months bc it was just too much for me, and eventually came back when I had a clearer head and got over it. Things change, but the things we hold dearest won’t be gone forever. It might get bad a bit, but people make mistakes, and those bad things don’t last forever.

Please don’t hurt yourself, I know everything feels like alot right now but this doesn’t mean it’s over, this is just one step of life and perhaps something good will come after.

I hope you don’t do anything rash, we are here for you.

-X

I’m fine I ended up falling asleep for a few hour but I’m not going back to that server it’s not a space for me anymore there has been a growing rift between me and the admins people I thought were friends for a while and it just I’m done when shit like that gets blown out of proportion that badly it’s best I just leave the place

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I feel that, discord servers can be just a mess. In my server sometimes I feel like the mods get pissy with me no matter what I do and sometimes make fun of me for my mental health by specific mod, I’ve also been warned in another server for reporting a mod for dogpiling me so the mod gave warning bc “I made people uncomfortable” (even tho I’m the one that left the server bc I gave me a panic attack and decided to rejoin to report bc they literally admitted they were dogpiling.) and overall well, uk how mods are. I cope by distancing myself but not leaving the community and sucking ass to the mods because you don’t really have any other choice when ur being threatened to leave even if it isn’t your fault. So yea, you aren’t alone in shitty server stuff, I’ll be honest, I just never trust mods (and if you’re a mod be even more careful) or admins because I feel like ppl who have authority usually aren’t trustworthy and it’s better to lay very low rather than get close to them. Because, you do one wrong thing, and they turn all of that against you when they don’t like you anymore. Your attitude is just a little irritating to them, your tone is mistaken for rude, they decide you’re a shitty person for disagreeing with them on something, or they just from the start don’t like you and want to nitpick literally everything about you that’s wrong with you like you’re some kind of psychology project, in order for the very day they can ban you permanently from the community when you make that one, little mistake. I totally get it. But I will say if you know very well a community you like isn’t worth getting banned from, lay low, or don’t engage at all. There are some good servers out there, but, discords in general just seem to be a mess for some reason regardless of the roles. Idk why but, it just is, so the very best you can get are the ones where there is rarely any drama. Maybe one day discord admins and mods won’t be such a risk to be around, and don’t manipulate their status to ruin a person in a community. But, idk how possible that is. Anyways, don’t trust clique groups in servers, they aren’t friends, they’re manipulators.

Sorry I went on a rant, I just wanted to share this so you know that it’s not always your fault, because when you’re in an enclosed group your movements are judged based on all their core collected beleifs, so when you aren’t wrong you can’t tell because of all the echochamber stuff that comes in small communities.

Take care.

-X

I just got broken up with andi don’t know how this week could get worse