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Brotality Fan #3

I experience feelings of depression as soon as the summer is about to start. I’m about to move out from college back home for the summer and I have a great family life, but something about not being super busy all the time gives me a lot of alone time to think and I feel like my default is to be a sad person. I feel like I can’t even get out of bed and I sometimes have to cancel plans with friends because I’m on the verge of tears and I’m not sure why. I want to fix this problem but I don’t think I want to see a therapist in person

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So hard when it feels like there’s some kind of invisible tripwire, that as soon as your foot crosses that threshold, this depressive cloud descends on your life and keeps you fogged for a season. It’s like - you see yourself becoming this amazing, generative, productive person in school, and then when it stops and you go home, it feels like that “super version of you” becomes just some kind of dream. Like you’ve forgotten who you are and crash back into who you were. And in those moments, it’s so hard to feel like you can ever get back to that place. It’s like - seasonal amnesia…which is terrifying to approach. It’s like you’re about to become this person that you hate and leave behind this person you’re growing to love, and it’s coloring dread all over your days. Feels like it’s stealing the joy from the last good times you have before summer, like every high you experience is dulled by this lurking disappointment and darkness.

It’s especially hard when it feels like - I shouldn’t be struggling with this. And I don’t want to admit it, I don’t want to seek help, I don’t /actually/ think I’m broken, there’s just something that I don’t understand…and if I could understand it, I likely would be able to adjust or course-correct or fix it somehow. But in the meantime, it feels like you have all questions and no answers, and it’s an urgent thing to solve because you feel swallowed by these feelings.

To be honest, I think this intuition is actually right on. I think that there’s likely something understandable underneath this shift. And seeking to understand it is a worthwhile endeavor.

For instance, could it be that you feel like your worth is tied into your potential or your productivity? Like, when you stop being “busy” or moving towards your goals/dreams, you feel completely worthless?

Could it be that community is something that holds you up? Being around your classmates/roommates/etc on campus is something that inspires and pulls you into a better version of yourself, and going back home feels like a shattering loss of connection to those people?

Could it be that you have some deep wounds in your relationship with your parents, and you feel worthless or inadequate or insecure when you’re around them?

If I were you, I would take time to figure this out. Talking to friends who are good listeners, or journaling, or reaching out to a mentor. Or you could write back here with your thoughts, and we can try to zero in on the source of this shift. Whatever step you take, take it seriously. If you can understand it, you can lean into it, and you can change it.

For instance, let’s just say that losing the feeling of progress towards your goals is really what spirals you into depression. And that feeling like every day having progress is something that is actually a core part of who you are, and what makes you tick. This is a solvable problem. You can talk with your professors before you leave and ask the question, “What can I be doing this summer to keep myself sharp, to keep forward momentum in my studies?” Or you could ask to be connected with some graduates in your area of study and ask them similar questions or to mentor you. You could come up with an epic summer project to do that’s in your field of study. You could look for an internship or a job opportunity in that field. There are TONS of options if this is the case that moves you from feeling powerless and clueless to feeling hopeful and empowered.

Understanding is the inflection point. Which is why it’s so critical to hunt it down, and to not let go of the question until you get the answer.

Happy to help more if I can. If you want to write back here, I’d recommend answering these questions:

What do you have at college that you lose when you go home?
What are some elements of going home that give you anxiety?

-Nate

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello, Brotality_Fans and welcome to the HeartSupport community :hrtlegolove:

I can relate to the feeling of wanting to be busy and how summer sort of makes you stagnant. Do you really love learning and studying? If so then I encourage you to keep doing it over the summer to keep busy. Learn a new skill or strengthen something you know how to do. That can help the time not feel so long and may give you a bit of an emotional boost to enjoy time with your friends.

I know you said you don’t want to talk to a therapist in person but are you interested in therapy generally? If so there is online therapy and with this link through HS you can get a 7-day free trial

I wish you all the luck this summer and I hope you can find something to speed it along until you are back at college and feeling better about things. Hold fast and hope to hear from you again :hrtlegolove:

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Friend, Welcome! I’m sorry that you’re have feelings of depression. I suffer from major depression disorder, so I can relate to you. There are ways to see a therapist without being in person. I zoom with my psychiatrist and sometimes talk on the phone with her. So, you don’t have to be in the same room with them. It’s good to have an official diagnosis and I encourage you to seek help, so you can have the proper treatment if needed. ~Mystrose

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hello Friend, Thank you for your post and welcome to Heart support. I am sorry that you are in this situation, I find it really sad that you think of your default as a “sad person” I know you speak of having too much time on your hands during the summer and having too much time to think and that is why you become upset but have you any ideas why that would be? is there anything that specifically worries you? I am not asking you to tell us, you certainly don’t have to tell anyone anything, I just wondered if YOU knew what it was that seemed to upset you so much or if you just felf unhappy about life? I do wonder if therapy of some kind would be helpful for you, it doesnt have to be in person, many people do online therapy or even telephone therapy, I think anything could be helpful to get you to open up about what is really the cause of your unhappiness and how to deal with that. No one wants to go through life with anxiety, sadness and upset. I would love for you to go out with your friends and be happy, you deserve that. You deserve a summer of joy and festivities with everyone else. I really hope you get to enjoy something this summer, my thoughts will be with you, We are all here for you if you need a little extra support. Much Love Lisa x

I’m not sure if everyone that responded can see my messages back, but if you can thank you for answering- I didn’t know what to except and each one was really validating. I don’t really know the reason for my feeling this way and I’m working up the courage to ask my parents about a therapist. I’m not sure that it’s something big that’s affecting me. I think it’s a bunch of little things building up. Is this a place to talk these things out? Or a redirection place to find more help?

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Hi :slight_smile: You could start a new support post if you’d like. We’d be happy to help support you :hrtlegolove:

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Hey again, appreciate your reply. To be honest, I’m in therapy and love it. You don’t have to be “so broken” to go to therapy. It’s just a place to process and grow wherever you are, and it sounds like having someone invested in helping you overcoming this situation would be a great thing. Imagine having that extra support this summer to turn things around – that would be so worth it!

Yes, this is a place where you can absolutely continue sharing what you’re thinking. If you want to start a new thread, you can just type CLOSETOPIC and then create a new one from your phone, or you can always come directly onto the forum itself at forum.heartsupport.com – either way, we’re here to continue processing life with you as you need :slight_smile:

-nate