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Can I change?

Hey, so, I’m tryin to map out the explaination of identity in the sense of plurality. The formation of ones identity and how it correlates with plurality pretty much. How all of that works in the scientific manner. Idk if it’s, accurate, but at least it’s fun. Apparently I like making diagrams. I forgot this, I also forgot how much I like studying psychology. I would go to a college for psychology but… Idk if I’m good with lectures, also I’ve been told by my mom and many others that psychology is a useless degree. While I don’t beleive this, I do know that it takes dedication of many years to actually get a good job with it. But in doing this little mapping, I hope to one day use it to explain my system to my mom, in this sense she is sure to understand.

But that’s not what I’m here about. It’s about what I remembered while doing this.

A long time ago I was really invested in alot of stuff. I can’t beleive I forgot this, but I had tons of interests and I loved learning things, I loved reading, I had big goals and aspirations, hobbies, special interests,
I was so happy, once upon a time.

I was really invested in philosophy and psychology, I loved learning about it and talking about it. I loved learning big words and I loved to talk about the things I read. I loved alot of things. But when I made friends that all went away.

I was never good at making friends. The only genuine friend I ever had was in 5th grade, and a dog who died, which killed me inside. Other than that people were just… so shitty to me. Whenever I tried to explain my findings and fascinations to my “friends”, they’d get mad at me. They’d tell me to shut the fuck up, that the subject was stupid, I was stupid, I’d never get anywhere in life, I was weird and annoying, and worthless. Slowly, as time went on, I lost hope in myself, and I stopped loving things. I stopped studying and learning, I lost motivation, I felt helpless and stupid. I didn’t realize I was letting them get to me because I always felt like I was babysitting them, but looking back on it now, I have. I lost my will to continue, and years later I’m here now, a boring life, not knowing what to do, no motivation, I feel stupid, alone. I feel… Helpless. Worthless. And while, I don’t want to blame things on people, and I really do want to change it, I think it’s too ingrained in me, I think the roots have dug too deep, and they got to me wrapped up in a bind that the brain is too stuck in. I think because of this I rely on others, to, remind me I have worth, even if I don’t think so. I rely deeply on other people’s emotions and outlooks which hurt me but I can’t stop it. I constantly find myself around people who are extremely horrible. Ive been trying to get out of this way of thinking, Kovu advised trying to not post here as often to avoid me getting back into that mentality, but nothing really helps. Relying on myself is like relying on an empty eggshell. Relying on my headmates, is well, I’m a stubborn mf, the thoughts and the feelings, they’re strong, they’re so strong that the brain controls these feelings more than I can myself. I wish I could prove my worth, but I feel kind of empty. I feel like this identity has run its course, and I don’t really want it anymore. It’s kind of useless now, it only hurts me, and the only thing that can heal it is just, acknowledgement of my worth? Being loved, being interesting. But that’s impossible lol. Everytime someone tries to show it, it feels so fucking ingenuine to me. I don’t beleive it for a second. It just… doesn’t feel real. It seems impossible that someone would actually enjoy their to with me. But I’m also wondering, is it just a part of me thats hurting right now? Is it just a temporary pain? Even though it hurts so much? Is it because I’m focusing on it? Or is it because I’m remembering something stuffed deep down. Idk. I don’t know if I’m an abandoned project or not. But I feel like studying all of this might help me figure that out. Damn, I forgot how dangerous studying the self is, I need to be careful, but at least I’m discovering something, no matter how stupid it is.

I do still have my interests. I’m still fascinated by psychology, I’ll spend hours thinking about it, and I’ve spent quite a bit mapping diagrams of how the brain works. I haven’t been in that kind of zone out in years aside from art, I haven’t had my special interest return in years. Idk if, this is something that will stay, I always need stupid fucking support just to make me feel like I’m doing something worthwhile. I wish I could enjoy things for myself. I wish I could be happy. I wish I listened to Mori all those years ago.

I wish I never made friends.

I could have been so happy…

-X

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Hello my dear friend :slightly_smiling_face:. I have read your post and I have a couple things to say, so please forgive me if this responce comes a bit later :upside_down_face:.

That is honestly good to remember. Exploring what we used to like can lead us to some really interesting paths in life. It really seems like you were interested in a lot of great stuff :slightly_smiling_face:.

:heart:

It looks like a lot of those people were really shitty friends. I am so sorry you had such bad experinces with people. You deserved better. It wasnt your interests that were stupid, they were the once who were stupid. I am sorry they made abandon a lot of your interests :slightly_frowning_face:.

I know what you mean but there is nothing wrong with acknowlenging that sertain people made our lives worse. Its not an excuse it is the truth. Its not blaming the it is seeing the truth of what they have done. Now once you accept that part of your past I think it might get easier to get past it and look in the future :slightly_smiling_face:

:heart: I know how that feels friend. You are a very empathic and sensitive person. It makes things didicult for you but it also makes you very special :slightly_smiling_face: Its a shame that it seems to attract a very bad kind of people but i think you are constantly getting better at putting up boundaries.

You dont have to prove anything. At least not to me :slightly_smiling_face:. You are a very worthwhile individual :wink:

Please know that I had ALWAYS ment what I said. You are special. I really really think so :slightly_smiling_face:. There are so many amazing things about you like your passion for art and compassion for people. You are also very strong even though you might not see it. I know you might feel like you dont deserve to be loved but that is not true because you absolutely do :wink:

I hope I can be a good friend to you. To all of you :slightly_smiling_face:. I am glad I know you all :slightly_smiling_face: (Xaii, Niko, Kovu and all the others :slightly_smiling_face:)

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