Can’t Escape

I thought 2021 would be better. Let me give you my background first. My battle with Depression and social anxiety has been going on since 2011-2012. In that time frame I’ve head multiple head injuries due to football in both HS and College. So many in succession of one another that my Drs forced me out of football my Sophomore year in college. Had two near death experiences. One being a car accident where I was in the middle back seat without a seatbelt. Should’ve flown through the windshield. Second one I got sick my freshman year in college. Almost went into full kidney failure after a football practice. I haven’t thought about suicide since 2016, and when I was almost successful. I reached out for help.

Went to therapy and took medication for 3 years, and got back into a routine of working out in the gym. 2019 that came to a halt. I moved for a new job in a new city and for 14 months watched myself spiral due to mental stress of the company and industry itself. 2020 moved back to my hometown. I was closer to family and friends and slowly saw improvements. Then 2021 happened. Lost a good friend to suicide in Feb, and just last week lost another unexpectedly (accident not suicide). Seems like death wants to keep itself known around me.

Now I’ve never been back down to my 2016 self where I wanted to just end it. But I can’t help but feel defeated everyday. Having to wake up and continue to fight my mind. Given the head trauma from football, I do notice some symptoms of CTE but with that disease only able to be fully diagnosed postmortem. I can only speculate.

I have great friends and family. Yet still feel like a burden to everyone I know. Like my existence itself is a pain for everyone else. I don’t open up. I avoid social outings as to not get overwhelmed, yet hate myself because I’m isolated and alone with my thoughts. I can’t go on dates because mentally I’m a mess. I know we all have our struggles and I try to not tread on others. I’d rather help people than people help me. Because again I don’t want to burden anyone.

Recently, I have returned to the gym. Trying to get that routine down. Trying to overcome everything my mind tells me. Using the gym to mostly benefit my mind. During and after each workout my mind is happy. The thoughts of hatred towards myself for being a failure are silenced. But I would be lying if I didn’t say I’m using the gym to have a better physical appearance. I’ve been single for almost 5 years. But that’s what everyone wants. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others, because the comparison game nobody ever wins that. I should do this because it benefits me mentally.

A friend reached out to me the past couple days to check on me because of the death. They gave me this website to check out. I’ve never been able to fully articulate how I feel or what I’m going through till now. And yet, it still feels like I didn’t do a good enough job. It just seems as if I can’t escape.

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Hey friend,
It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and its been hard for you. I must say, with all you’ve experienced, I still see an incredible fighter amidst it all. Someone willing to take control and do things that are beneficial to your mental health growth and overall wellbeing. Taking care of your physical health sounds like something that is helpful to you, and for most with depression, that’s a really hard thing. So I’m proud of you for still putting that first and getting after it.

Friend you have so much value and purpose. I get feeling like a burden and not wanting to cause other people issue with that. It does sound like you have sold friends and family relationships to support you. Which also lends that they are probably people who genuinely care and want to be there for you. You speak highly of them, and i truly hope that is the relationship you have with them.

Sometimes its really hard to lean on others when we feel weak, depressed, worried, etc. But that’s why friends and family are there, they are the support groups we make for ourselves and are given for the hard times. They are the supporters in the difficulty and darkness, but also there to celebrate our victories with and sometimes they celebrate those harder than we do so we see what the truth is through the darker times.

You are advocating for yourself, and that is a huge thing to be proud of. You’re not alone, we’re here for you too as part of that support group. You are loved, valued, and matter. Hold fast.

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Thank you so much for the kind words. I have been through quite a lot of crazy experiences. Ironically, those two instances I spoke of happened within months of each other my freshman year in college.

I’m pretty lucky to have the friends and family I do. I just wish I could open up to them more but it’s hard. I don’t want to worry my family, because they’ve seen me at my lowest and how easily it was for me to fake my happiness. That they constantly have the fear in the back of their mind that I could still take my own life. Which I won’t. I feel like if you can somehow fight through that stage and use it as the push to realize asking for help isn’t weakness but strength. Then you are more likely to develop a healthier coping mechanism. Like I said for me, it’s the gym.

I use any negative thoughts as a trigger to get up take my preworkout and drive to the gym and just hammer the weights. But it might not be the same for everyone. But before I continue to ramble on. Yes my friends are awesome. Going back to my original post, a friend told me about this website yesterday. And knowing there is a whole community of individuals going through their own struggles actively helping one another through them is amazing.

So again thank you so much for your kind and wise words. I will never quit, and I will strive to help others not quit as well. There is beauty to be found in our brokenness :heart:

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Wise words my friend, you are doing really great battling through this and I love that you’re willing to be there for others as well. Welcome to the HS fam! Idk if you know, but there are streams on twitch several days a week as well! Maybe you can join in sometime and hang out Twitch

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Hey @DepthsofTexas ,

The HeartSupport Houston team and @Sledge responded to your post with a video here. Hold fast friend, and lean on our community.

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Thank you John, Ben, and Hanson for your words of encouragement. I appreciate that video and the dialogue so much. Times get rough and it’s just nice to hear from people who understand mental illness. They understand it’s not something we can just switch on or off, or simply just get over it.

I’ve been feeling down since February when I lost my friend and then this accident that just happened triggered something in me. I’m thankful for the friend of mine who turned me over to this community. So I could express my thoughts and feelings.

I hope to continue to use my fight and my experiences to help others know that there is hope. Even at our lowest, even when the whole world is covered in darkness. There is always hope and support. There are other people who are struggling/or have struggled with some form of mental illness. And that asking for help isn’t weakness, but strength. Because together we can make a difference for one another. It’s also nice to know that there is a local chapter in Houston that is close to me. If there is a way to get involved I’d love to.

I made this post to kind of just let out some emotions and to try and open up. Funny that it’s easy for me to open up to complete strangers, rather than family. But again it’s because I know that this community understands mental health as an illness and not an on/off switch.

Much love!

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