I can’t remember the last time, I actually cried. It seems like a life time ago, honestly. I had these specific songs that always made me cry, no matter what, because of memories or just the text, etc. But lately, not even that. I’ve been trying so hard, to get myself to cry. But nothing seems to work, at this moment. And I hate it. Because I feel this… i don’t know how to describe it, this crushing feeling in my chest. It feels like some sort of suffocating, it’s unbearable. Yet I also feel so numb? I know, I would probably feel better, if I could just let it out through crying. But I can’t even cry! It’s so frustrating and exhausting.
I too, used to find it hard to cry. When I was being raised, emotions weren’t really given much merit and so I basically shut down. Not only did I stop feeling and become numb, I stopped crying.
Believe it or not I actually had to teach myself to start feeling again. It was a strange conversation to have with myself; I basically thought, Hey, if you want to get better (I was pretty unwell emotionally and because of that I was unwell physically), you need to start acknowledging emotions. I pretty much started to pay close attention to how I would feel, even just barely. And I would think about how the emotion actually manifested, I would say, OK, I’m sad now, and that’s OK. I would force myself to stay in that moment and that feeling.
As time went on, I forced myself to experience and express everything I felt and eventually I realized I was very angry at how my past unfolded and I had an unbelievable amount of negative emotions that hadn’t had a chance to surface, rather they stayed deep down and festered until I got insomnia and stomach ulcers. Once again I could listen to music that would being me to tears. I would find myself watching movies or TV that paralleled my life and I would feel those things and I would cry. I still do sometimes.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is that with enough effort, you can feel again, and I hope you do. As painful as it is to feel, it is the first step to healing - almost like getting an infection out of your body.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Clearly your life has been difficult. But you have had enough negativity. Accept that you find it hard to cry, and be okay with it. Accept that you feel frustrated, and feel it. Things will get better in time. I believe you can do it, friend.
I totally know that feeling you’re describing and it sucks. I had a long stretch of time where I would cry multiple times a day and have to hide under my desk at work just to get it out. And then all of a sudden I couldn’t and it was like even worse because I still felt so heavy but couldn’t get any relief from it and just felt even more tired all the time than I did before. I remember putting on my sad songs playlist over and over just trying to force it out of me like you’re describing.
I’m sorry that you’re experiencing that build of emotions and numbness. All I can say is that I’ve been there and I know how strange and unbearable it is. I wish I could help you cry and let it all out. I don’t even know how I got myself back to feeling everything intensely again but it did happen. It won’t be like this forever.