I’ll try to make this short, but what happened was that I found out my boyfriend was extremely transphobic. It’s utterly shocking to me because I thought he wasn’t that type of person, especially because I told him I was questioning my gender before I started dating him.
I found out by asking him if he could call me by the right pronouns. He refused. I tried to be reasonable and thoughtful at first, but when he kept refuting my point of view after claiming he wanted to understand me, it quickly turned into an arguement. He kept getting defensive and began to guilt-trip me. As I tried to stand my ground, threatening to end our relationship if he didn’t accept my request, it felt like he was changing into a different person. He didn’t stop at petty remarks and bad comparisons, claiming that transitioning (like surgery, etc) was like taking illegal drugs.
He did apologize after, saying that he was trying to convince me to stay a girl and that was wrong. That wasn’t sure why he thought I would become a different person, but he would try to accept me from now on.
The apology was nice but I’m having a hard time to forgive. This is a new thing to me, so is it normal to need some space after such a thing?
I feel absolutely heartbroken and I’ve been feeling extreme dysphoria over the entire day, which is disheartening to my decision to try and forgive.
Hearing so much horrible things from him, how can I begin to trust he is the same person that I knew? How do I begin to trust that he can suddenly change the opinion he was so defensive about overnight?
I’ve been considering breaking up, because of other factors and the fact that he wants to have a traditional marriage and a girl instead. ( It’s kind of funny, because I feel like I have this break-up dilemna almost every month. )
Hey Marisol,
Being in a relationship is like reading a book, you are excitedly reading until you get to the page that makes you afraid to read the rest of the book. The thing about being in a relationship with a person is that there are going to be some days when you question whether the person you are with is the one for you. Before you make your decision consider all the great things about this person and think about all the great things that this person brings to your life, really consider whether this person’s fear takes away from the person that they are because we all have phobias and things that we cannot be rational about. Above all follow your heart Marisol no one can truly answer this question but you. Good Luck!!!
Yes, it’s absolutely normal - and healthy - to need some space after an interaction like this. You both had an argument around something that isn’t just about personal views, but your actual identity and how you feel deep inside. It’s the type of subject that can bring a lot of hurt and conflict when the person in front of you doesn’t seem to hear YOU.
It sounds like your boyfriend has his own ideas and perspectives about the matter, and maybe something to consider is that perceptions like these are often the result of fear and a true lack of understanding. Behind all of this, a central question that you would seek answers for might be: is he willing to walk alongside you towards the same direction, or would this willingness to ask you to stay a girl will come up again in the long run? Would he hold a grudge for the rest of your relationship if he were to accept who you are? These are the type of questions that can be deal breakers, and it’s understandable that it would make you doubt your relationship or have all of these questions. A similar example would be when one of the partners learn that the other doesn’t want to have kids. It’s the kind of thing that conditions the future of the relationship somehow, and talking about it is essential. It doesn’t mean there has to be arguments of fights - overall it’s about establishing where you both are and where you want to be moving forward, and if being together is compatible with these aspirations.
I cannot tell you what to do of course, but know that however decision you’d make, you can rely on us here to support you.
