I’ve been trying really hard but it always seems like nobody is happy with me. I have been eating more but also not eating, i’ve gained more weight and it’s always pointed out. I stare at myself all the time and I hate it. I was comfortable with being overweight but now I’m not. I’m just ugly and I can’t exercise properly because I’m afraid to go outside because i’m a girl. I get yelled at by my boyfriend for eating at all and he limits to what i eat, he takes food away from me. My dad tells me I can’t just eat carbs all day but I don’t have any meat products I know how to make. I don’t eat to the point where I need something right away and then I can’t stop eating. I want to get a job but it’s hard to schedule what I already have stuff scheduled in other months and I’m still in school and I want a full time job, I need insurance so i can go to the chiropractor and a therapist but I don’t know how to shedule stuff when I have a job.
I can’t even buy things without being yelled at or told they’re a waste of money. I recently got an animecrate and my dad yelled at me saying it’s a waste of money and that it “wouldn’t get me a job”. whatever that means. I haven’t been able to hear properly or read properly either. I say “what” a lot when i’m talking with my boyfriend because i can’t hear him, and he yells at me and tells me to shut up. He has been abusive to me the entire time we’ve been in a relationship (4 years) and i just put up with it because I have attachment anxiety and i love him. or i think i do. recently i don’t enjoy being around him, he says hurtful things about my gender identity and he hits me “playfully” on my head. I’m just fed up with it and i don’t have any support anymore. Even my friend makes fun of my gender identity and stuff.
I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t have any support and I can’t talk to anyone. Even posting this stuff barely helps. I can’t afford a real therapist. I don’t know
Being in a position of weakness sucks massive ass. I was a victim of pedophilia, so i can relate to pretending to ignore how people close to you suck, because you kinda need them in a way. I hate that feeling more than the abuse itself honestly. I’ll try to help. So yeah.
1- it’s irrelevant what people think you are. I know it sounds wronf kinda, but it’s true. They’re not gods to pass judgement upon you like it’s a absolute truth. They can suck on a swollen cock for all i care.
2- i know you need these people in your life, for whatever reason and i know it’s hard for you to just get them out of your life. So maybe focus on giving them less power? Less worth? Something like that. Here’s an edgy quote lol" the hunter is nothing without the hunt." I have experience with that and i can assure you it’s true. So if you’re no longer an easy target, they’ll become irrelevant, which they are already.
3- now for the things that’s bothering you, your weight. Here’s the thing, you cannot look in the mirror and act like this is literally you forever. That is completely unfair. You CAN change to whatever shape you want. And who says you have to go outside to workout. Do it at home! Find a cool space in your room and workout there. You don’t have to do what Michael Phelps does, just at least get a good posture and get to your desired weight.
4- if you’re struggling with self-esteem, then the only thing to do about that is to make progress. In anything! Rn i think your weight is an issue, so make progress in that. Once you see yourself making progress, that’s just you giving yourself a strong case on why you’re worthy. Because sometimes we can’t convince ourselves that we’re worthy. We just have to slap ourselves with whatever progress we make.
5- i think your hearing problem is just you being overwhelmed. It’s ok. It’s ok to feel that way.
And yeah i can’t afford professional help either. I’m stuck as well.
I wish i could fix your problems but all i can do is talk, but if you want to be friends or something i’d be your friend. I hope you have better days.
thanks, i’m sorry that happened to you but i’ve had the same situation happen to me as well. i do have antidepressants but just being around people that see me as annoying really doesn’t help. i just want someone i could talk to