so sorry to hear that it’s been so rough.
I think you’re learning a lot about yourself these days, and with that, you’re learning boundaries and what you think is acceptable now for yourself.
“No” is one of the hardest lessons a LOT of folks have to learn. It has nothing to do with being polite or agreeable, or not causing a scene. Guess what? If you say no and put your foot down, and people leave, then that’s a pretty good indication that they were just there to leech off you and take advantage of you.
So, if those same people are saying mean things about you… so what? if they’ve proven themselves to be around you for the Wrong reasons, why should their thoughts and judgements bother you or affect you?
People hurt us once with their words - we hurt ourselves over and over again by giving those words power over our thoughts, our feelings over the way we view ourselves!! IF they’ve hurt you, why would you ever use their words to determine your value?
That’s a lot like taking stinky stagnant dirty water and trying to see your pretty face in it. And when you don’t see your face, you believe that you’re dirty like the water is.
WHY do you hate yourself? Is this based on real facts or just a collection of words from others?
You said you took piils and cut yourself? How did you feel about yourself afterwards?
those two things can quickly and easily become habits, habits that further make you a mental slave to those two actions, and that makes life harder. The relief you’re after is mental and emotional; it’s far better to work through these emotions to find yourself and find how to love yourself.
You know I’m here for you, many of us are here willing to help you work through these emotions.
If you can identify the reasons why you hate yourself. maybe we can help you work thru them, or direct you to resources that can help.
You can also call hotlines to talk to someone if you’re struggling and need someone to talk to.
Do you ever check out the Twitch streams? There is a whole wonderful community there where you can just feel loved and accepted.
You matter, and I really want you to believe that , friend!