Can't forgive myself

[Need_help2705]

Hi everyone.

I am having a difficult time with forgiving myself. I’ve always been passive and I always try to please people until I can’t take it anymore and I say no and then people leave. It’s a real issue because I’ve been taken advantage of recently by someone who I loved dearly. I always blame myself for allowing it… it just hurts me so much… and when I think about how the person hurt me I think about other people who have hurt me and the things they said… the words that oh “she is just same old same, someone who everyone moves on from”. I don’t know how to move on and repair myself I watch countless videos and motivational stuff but I’m just so angry with myself its deep rooted and I feel very overcome by it. I feel like I’ve just been burying it but my hatred for myself just spiralled out of control and I took pills and started cutting. I’ve only done it once. I just don’t know how to move forward and deal with my issues. I can’t even afford to see a psychologist.

[Sita]

hi there,
so sorry to hear that it’s been so rough.

I think you’re learning a lot about yourself these days, and with that, you’re learning boundaries and what you think is acceptable now for yourself.
“No” is one of the hardest lessons a LOT of folks have to learn. It has nothing to do with being polite or agreeable, or not causing a scene. Guess what? If you say no and put your foot down, and people leave, then that’s a pretty good indication that they were just there to leech off you and take advantage of you.

So, if those same people are saying mean things about you… so what? if they’ve proven themselves to be around you for the Wrong reasons, why should their thoughts and judgements bother you or affect you?

People hurt us once with their words - we hurt ourselves over and over again by giving those words power over our thoughts, our feelings over the way we view ourselves!! IF they’ve hurt you, why would you ever use their words to determine your value?
That’s a lot like taking stinky stagnant dirty water and trying to see your pretty face in it. And when you don’t see your face, you believe that you’re dirty like the water is.

WHY do you hate yourself? Is this based on real facts or just a collection of words from others?

You said you took piils and cut yourself? How did you feel about yourself afterwards?
those two things can quickly and easily become habits, habits that further make you a mental slave to those two actions, and that makes life harder. The relief you’re after is mental and emotional; it’s far better to work through these emotions to find yourself and find how to love yourself.

You know I’m here for you, many of us are here willing to help you work through these emotions.

If you can identify the reasons why you hate yourself. maybe we can help you work thru them, or direct you to resources that can help.
You can also call hotlines to talk to someone if you’re struggling and need someone to talk to.

Do you ever check out the Twitch streams? There is a whole wonderful community there where you can just feel loved and accepted.

You matter, and I really want you to believe that , friend!

[Need_help2705]

Thank you for this. I am so self destructive

[ManekiNeko]

So I’ve also had a hard time saying no, and what I’ve come to find is that when you’re someone who gives so much to people and finally say no, people tend to get mad because they’re used to being able to get what they want.
The first time I stood up to a “friend” they lost their absolute shit at me. I felt very much how you felt, but then the more I thought about it the angrier I got. I noticed a pattern. I finally found good friends who had to help me press send in messages I’d sent to people standing up for myself for a while.
You are allowed to set boundaries, you have nothing to be mad at yourself for. I am so so sorry that someone you loved really hurt you so badly. That’s not okay and it’s not your fault. You do not deserve that pain and to be treated like that.

Saying no and setting boundaries starts to become habitual over time. Remember that “no” is a complete sentence. You don’t owe anyone explanations
It feels hard to start with and sometimes you’ll get a bit of push back from people who have known you to give too much of yourself. “Oh but you always…”
I said no.
At the end of your day you are not responsible for others actions, how they react and you do not have to anticipate their needs.
You might be displaying some self destructive behaviours, but speak some truth and grace into your life! You have the ability to set your boundaries. You deserve to be heard and respected.
You are NOT what others have treated you to be. It is NOT your fault they have done so, and it is well within your rights to put an end to their actions.

[DiscordReply]

From: \Björn/

I think this person should try and feel proud of being so good, and stop blaming herself so much.

[Ashwell]

Hi @Need_help2705
You situation seems similar to something I have had much experience with. The thing is you have to create boundaries with the person right from the start. Moving those boundaries later is hard. If something is too much or if something bothers you, tell them. Honesty is key. Yes it might put off some people but those are the people that just like the things you do for them but not you. You are worthy of being cared about without being a slave to someone and you have to accept that fact. Its not about motivation is about self wort and expressing self worth. I think the best excercise for you right now would be this. Try to do one thing a day that is just for you. Taking that last slice of pizza, buying that thing you always wanted. Watch the TV series you wanted to watch even tho it is not that popular? You do you that is the first step i think .

[DiscordReply]

From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you so much for your post, I am so sorry that you are struggling but I am so glad that you have come here. I used to be very much like you have described and its hard to comprehend how being good and kind to people can always end up in you being used and hurt and then you turning it on yourself for being the bad guy?? How does that happen? I guess its lack of confidence, some self-distain and of course that need to be wanted and loved by others. The thing is you honestly have no reason to be annoyed with yourself as you have done nothing but be a nice and decent human being. The only difference that really I can see that would be useful to you is to have some boundaries in your friendships with people, that always sounds a bit harsh but it doesn’t have to be, I am a true believer that they are a vital part of a good friendship. I have put a link to a page under this reply all about how useful setting boundaries are and I honestly think if you can master that you will see a real change in how you are treated. in future. In the meantime I am also going to give you a link to a page that will help you to refocus when you feel the need to self harm. Friend, try to be kinder to yourself, you deserve to be happy and calm, you are loved. Lisa. x
5 Reasons Why Setting Boundaries Are Important To Me - Motivated Mom
Tips for coping with urges to self-harm right now - Mind

[DiscordReply]

From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi @Need_help2705 I’m sorry your friends have taken advantage of and hurt you. I’ve been in the same situation and been so mad at myself for letting it happen too. It tells me what a good person you are for caring for your friends, it’s a shame that your friends don’t appreciate that. Do you think you let them use you so they will like you or do you just care so much that you will do anything for them?
I also used to cut a lot and it doesn’t help with anything, so please try really hard not to get caught up in that. There are other more healthy ways to cope with the pain you are feeling. Lisa has already posted Tips for coping with urges, which is a really good site. Please check it out. Be safe ~Mystrose

[DiscordReply]

From: SuchBlue

Hi Need_help2705,

It takes time until you start learning to say “No” but you shouldn’t feel like you’re a bad person because of that. The people around you need to learn that you have your own limits just like they do. You care for your friends and your friends care for you. A real friendship is never one-sided. It’s not your fault that people like this exist, but you have to learn how to deal with them and set your own boundaries. Stay strong, you can do this

[DiscordReply]

From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello, friend! I am very similar in that I give a lot of myself and sometimes let people use me more than I should. When it gets to the point I am just burned out I do something that may help you moving forward. I don’t cut them off from my help. I tell them that I cannot help them as much but that I still want to be there for them. It would be better if I brought it up before things got too bad and you could try that as well. When someone starts wanting your help a lot tell them that you want to help but that sometimes you will have to say “no”. That it isn’t a “no. never” just a “not this time”. People should be perfectly willing to accept that and it can keep your friendship strong with good boundaries.

It is wonderful that you are a helper and you want to be there for others and I’m just so sorry that you are being taken advantage of so much. I hope you can find a way set boundaries with people so that you can continue being that person without it negatively affecting your own mental health.

As for not being able to afford a psychologist have you looked into any free clinics that may be near you? They can be wonderful ways to get help when you do not have insurance or much money.

I hope you find ways to move forward away from this negativity you feel. You are an amazing person who deserves to find people to love who don’t just want to use you and I hope you find that soon. Keep swimming

[Sita]

There is power in our words, friend.
To help you think a bit more kindly of yourself, maybe you can change “I am so self -destructive”
(Which makes it a part if who you are) to:
“I have done some self destructive things” or " I’ve been using some self destructive " methods to cope. (Which are behaviours or ways of thinking that you can change to be kinder and more beneficial to you).

I’m proud of how hardbyouve been trying and I know it’s been hard. But you’re strong, and you will have happier, more peaceful days ahead.

[Need_help2705]

Hi everyone.

I’m so thankful to everyone who responded. I’ve changed my number last week. I’ve only given a few people whom I trust my new number. I’m letting go of old toxic friendships. I’ve recently realized that a dear friend of mine created a fake profile using my pics and in that moment I decided that I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself and allowing things to happen to me. The truth is I’m too trusting and i have a lot of work to do. I have to treat myself with respect and create standards else I will never survive in this world. I will still treat everyone with kindness but I won’t be too trusting from now on

[Micro]

There are amazing, thoughtful, beautiful steps forward @Need_help2705. You deserve respect. You deserve to take up space. You deserve to have a voice. And none of this will ever have to interfere with your willingness to offer kindness and love in this world. You can have a soft heart yet still protected by strong values and truths about yourself. It is a pretty challenging task in the world we live in, but it’s absolutely worth it. Because YOU are worth it.

What a beautiful and courageous spirit that you got there. You have all my admiration and respect.

[ManekiNeko]

It’s totally not okay your friend did that and it’s totally okay to stand up for yourself. There’s a difference between being kind and being someone’s welcome mat. You deserve respect as micro said. So proud of you!