Hi there, first time posting here. I figured I’d try something new.
About a month ago I got out of a really awful, manipulative relationship. It was textbook love-bombing, so I felt perfectly secure in the moment, but eventually a friend of mine (we’ll call her Sam) showed me how many strings he was pulling behind the scenes and snapped me out of it. You may think I’m exaggerating, but another friend is convinced I cheated on him, which I never did, and we’re still distant because of that lie. It seems ever since then everything has gone so incredibly downhill.
First was work. All of a sudden, I have a ton of new responsibilities at work, but my boss is really bad at actually telling me what they are and how to do them. This means that my boss and my coworkers will, out of the blue, ask me where something is or why something hasn’t been done, when I had no idea I had to do it in the first place. I’m scared to go to work or to check my work email in case someone else is annoyed at me for not doing something I didn’t know about.
Second was school. I’m at university and all of this has had a tangible impact on my grades. I’m really into my major (computer science) and decided to throw myself into my studies after the breakup. As a result I’m burnt out, tired all the time, and actually behind as at some point I was so tired I started skipping classes. A lot of my classes this term have big projects and I haven’t started any of them. The usual impostor syndrome is going strong too, of course. I’m also starting to suspect I have ADHD or something related (I’ve noticed that, for as long as I can remember, a ton of ADHD-associated traits have caused me problems) and the effects of executive dysfunction are really starting to show.
Third was putting all of this on my friends. I used to have a problem with self-harm and was even clean for two years until all of this started happening. I told Sam about it, because she’s also struggled with SH, and she told me to talk to her instead of doing it in the future. Problem is, over the last month, I’ve talked to her (and other friends) about being stressed about 10x more than I’ve talked to her about other stuff, which makes me feel ridiculously guilty. I’ve listened to the stuff she has going on too, but eventually encouraged her to speak to a therapist because I didn’t have enough knowledge to properly help her out. Now I’m worried Sam thinks I’m a hypocrite for “using” her as a wall to bounce my complaints off of instead of seeing a therapist of my own. I would love to, but can’t actually afford one.
Fourth was the mouse. I live with three roommates and one of them saw a mouse in our living room. The manager of our building wants to move us elsewhere so they can do pest control, but I don’t have the time or mental fortitude to pack up all my things (they want everything, and I mean EVERYTHING gone) and move. Oh, and the mouse is also kind of horrifying by itself. It’s not that huge in the grand scheme of things, but it was the catalyst for this most recent breakdown so I figured I’d mention it.
And fifth, the worst part (at least to me): all of this has made me want to vent to my ex. He was there for me through so many panic attacks and breakdowns, and I know he would listen even now. He was always the best listener and even just talking to him felt like a soothing balm over all my problems, so you can understand the temptation. The issue there would be that he’d listen, be sugar-sweet supportive, and then use all of it to try and lure me back or to humiliate me with my friends and family, just like he’s done in the past. I know it’s not an option and I hate myself for wanting to rely on him despite all the progress I’ve made in the last month.
All of these things combined have made it unbearable to wake up every day. I’m writing this after a day of not doing anything and feeling incredibly guilty about it, because I have tons of projects, work, and exams coming up, but everything feels so heavy and I just can’t get myself to start. When everything is too much and you don’t even have mental space to plan your next step, how are you supposed to move forward?
If you’ve made it this far, thank you very much for reading!