I don’t really know how to say what I want to say so sorry if it’s sloppy and all over the place. I’ve been feeling really fucking suicidal recently. I just recently started cutting myself again and I’m isolating myself from the very few people that I’m around. I really only have one true friend but I can only text her because her dad doesn’t want her to be around me. I’ve been battling with so much shit in my head and I feel like I’ve been bothering my friend too much and I’m terrified that she’s gonna leave me if I don’t stop, but I don’t have anyone else to talk to. I hit my breaking point tonight when I was texting her and she was telling me about all of these people she was hanging out with tonight. It made me feel so shitty about myself because I know that I’m not her first choice. I’ve never been anyone’s first choice and never will be. I need support to get out of this huge hole that my anxiety and depression has dug me into but I don’t know that I can get the support that I need. I pretty much just sit at home all day because of my anxiety and because nobody wants me around. I swear I cause more problems for people and everyone would be better off without me. I feel like such a disaster and nobody will ever be patient enough to help me through my shit. I’m so scared that my one friend is gonna leave me because she’s growing tired of my problems just like everyone else has. I’m so close to ending it all. I don’t mean anything to anyone. I dread waking up every single day because of the bullshit that I have to deal with. I feel like I’m in this alone even though I know deep down that I’m not. I wish it would all just end. I wanna be happy for once. I feel like I have more to say but I don’t really know what.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkSPe7mvELo&index=33&list=PLySQCZ9fzKxOsPPGgCPsyy0-MOUBypymh
You can distract yourself. Distraction is a great tool to use to battle your depression and other issues. Do something you like to do or go to an event. A concert, or a club or game or a dance or even church can alleviate the loneliness that you feel. When you are home find something to do.
I went on hiatus from the internet for 2 years. In that hiatus, I was a member of 3 book clubs. I would walk all over my town and tried finding all kinds of hobbies to get into. (Unfortunately for me most of them were too expensive or I wasn’t interested in them) I got out of the house to keep from driving myself mad. I even went to some of my old textbooks from school just to distract myself.
I hope you find something to not only alleviate the stress you cause yourself but also get out of your house.
I hope you the best. Blessed be.