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Can't let go of my trauma

I’ve been bullied at school, and made to feel inadequate by my dad (unintentionally sometimes but it still hurts) ever since I started school. I’m now 40. I’ve endured pain and trauma my entire life. It lives in my brain and my body. I have memories and receipts for everything I’ve ever experienced. In my teens I started writing it all down. I still deal with shit between work, and some at home, and sometimes on the net. Nowadays, only the more painful stuff still lingers, and the road rage subsides but it isn’t easy, especially if you almost crash your car because of someone else’s impatience and erratic driving.
Beyond the day to day, I also see the pain of the world around me, and all the stuff around the world that makes no sense, and is perpetrated by rich, power-hungry, dictators, religious fundamentalist zealots, actual terrorists, hate groups, racist and hateful cops, the crazy gun nuts who just want to shoot people, everyone who’s bad basically that keeps good people down…It makes my blood boil. I feel that pain because I’ve been through alot of similar things. I know how that feels. Every ounce of pain that I’ve been through, that still lives in me, gets re-activated when I hear about this stuff. I have an overactive sense of moral outrage and injustice that keeps me angry and hurting, and every time that something else happens, I have no outlet for my rage. I have no way to express myself. All I want is proof that the scales will somehow balance, that the people who hurt me are being hurt in equal measure. I WISH I could hurt them back, but that’s impossible, as I have neither the drive nor the means to do so. But unfortunately I have no way of releasing my anger in a satisfying manner, or knowing that my life has been rebalanced, and my broken soul at least partially restored. If anyone knows a way past this that works, WITHOUT medication, please let me know. I’m going to therapy and I vent but I’m not sure what else I can do. Please advise.

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There’s far more than enough pain, injustice, anger, fear, rage, hate, etc, to induce anyone to either break down or flip out. Finding balance - enough positive experience to mitigate the pain of the negative stuff, is not easy. There’s a level of mind that doesn’t recognize a difference between a remembered past trauma, and what is happening in the present moment. That’s why PTSD is so common. Think about an upsetting event, and become upset all over again.

Punishing others won’t alleviate pain. Instead, it compounds, and often leaves a dark place within the soul. I have been hurt a lot. I found myself experiencing very powerful impulses toward punishing those who deserved it. At the same time, I found the thought of hurting someone abhorrent. For a very long time, I simply turned my rage inward, and my health suffered for it.

It has occurred to me that of all the evil things some people do, either they don’t understand the evil of their actions, or they are convinced they simply can’t help themselves. That thought helped me to avoid hating them.

I can’t say I never get pissed off, but for the most part, my rage has fallen away. These days, I’m more likely to feel extreme sadness and despair. Even at those times, I try to remain in a frame of mind that helps me be ready to help another human being, if such a thing becomes possible.

The world may be going to hell in a hand basket, but continuous opportunities manifest where it’s possible to help reduce another person’s suffering. Maybe all there is to offer is a kind gesture or a smile, but the effects of such efforts are cumulative.

Anger against anger, hate against hate, fear against fear will not lead to any positive outcome. A choice emerges: get even or help heal.

I don’t know if you have a spiritual interest, but I find this prayer tends to bring out the best in me:
Lord make Me an instrument of Your peace
Where there is hatred let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness joy.
O Divine master grant that I may
Not so much seek to be consoled as to console
To be understood, as to understand.
To be loved. as to love
For it’s in giving that we receive
And it’s in pardoning that we are pardoned
And it’s in dying that we are born…
To eternal life.

There may be much going on in your mind and your emotions, but there’s a place of Peace in your heart. It can be sensed by a “relaxed focus.”

The world may seem like an awful place, but some of us are making it a bit less awful. In the midst of the chaos and confusion, one thing remains constant; we exist to share Love. In spite of it all, there’s a great deal of such sharing going on.

You have spent your life in the trenches. Sometimes you need to stop and look at the stars.

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Thank you for replying to my post.
Yeah, without actually going through sexual abuse or war, I’m pretty sure I have some form of PTSD. The trauma that I’ve lived through does come back to haunt me. I remember everything as clear as being there. I see the eyes of me enemy. I see where I stood and where they stood. I feel the pain and tension in my body. I feel the anger in my blood. That shit is real. It lives inside me, and I’ve got no way to make it truly gone.

As far as punishing others to alleviate my pain, I can tell you of an instance where Karma did that for me. A bully from 8th grade, who even attacked me outside of school in a parking lot while I was walking home from a movie, met his end while running from cops and overdosed on drugs in our pissant small town. When that happened, Karma balanced the scales for me. What he did to me and others, was paid back. I actually thought about pissing on his grave, but my friends told me that since Karma had been satisfied, that would have been too far. I have enemies from decades past, and from recent years, that I have no idea if Karma had balanced things back against. Much as I want to, I’m not able to seek satisfactions from the pain that these assholes have brought me, and ruined my life. I had to be put on pills from my teens to my twenties because my parents didn’t want to deal with my anger, or what was done to me. They didn’t want to deal with me trying to fight back, and causing problems with the administration. They wanted a good boy. I was sick of being a good boy. I wanted to fight back, and I couldn’t. My confidence was shot, my fear was on high alert, and the rest of my life was numb and empty. The fucking shrink who I was seeing thought my ideas for the future were delusions of grandeur, and I believed him. I stopped believing in myself, because of that, the attacks, and my parents. These people RUINED MY LIFE!
HOW do you know that punishing these people won’t alleviate my pain? What kind of impulses did you feel? I’ve wanted to beat these assholes with a metal baseball bat, or cripple them with a hockey stick. I’d want to choke them to within an inch of their life, until they apologized for what they did to me. I never got the satisfaction, and I never will, unless I hear that Karma took them out for me.
My rage is inward. I’ve stuffed this pain and hatred down for decades, and have had no way to release it on someone who deserved it. I had a boss, who for YEARS made me feel suicidal or homicidal, until my teammate and I finally got him fired for what he did to us. I wanted that guy dead, but Karma took him out of my life, so I don’t have to deal with him, but it still hurts thinking about him. It still makes my blood boil.
I too feel sadness and despair, seeing the world around me, my friends, my girlfriend, and good people in peril, in situations I can’t do anything about, wishing I was a god, to be able to fix everything and make it right. That pisses me off, makes me sad, feel helpless, insignificant, worthless, useless, unhelpful. It’s depressing as hell.
My grandma died of covid because my aunt’s boyfriend brought covid into their home, because he was a Q-trumper and non-believer of science and thought covid was no big deal. They all got sick and my grandma died. I wanted to kill that guy. When I met him, I didn’t know he was an asshole. I thought he was cool, now I just want him to suffer forever and pay the price for my grandma’s death.
When I browse my feed on twitter, I put likes and retweets on things to increase a positive outcome for people I know, and others I like. I’ve made calls and signed petitions for years, especially in the last 5 years. All this does is serve as a momentary distraction from my own pain. It’s still there inside me, festering like a wound that never heals. Sometimes people preaching a positive message and I see that and I’m like “good for you, I can’t fucking do that”. I’m too broken.
My friends and family know my pain and are tired of hearing about it. They’re tired because they’ve tried everything they can and they don’t know how to fix me. My mom keeps saying to go on medication, because it helps her. That shit breaks my brain and makes me feel sick. My girlfriend says to meditate, but I can’t concentrate at all because my mind is always racing…
What situation have you been in that you’ve seen a reciprocal action against someone who hurt you or someone you cared about, not balanced things?
I appreciate the prayer. Those are nice words, but I’ve seen more often than not, that god punishes me, or thinks he’s testing me, when all I want is for the pain to end.
No amount of positive energy could cleanse my soul. At this point, I feel like I need a true miracle. I would need something to restore me, to take away my pain, to keep me from anger, and truly make me an instrument of good. I hate living with this nightmare inside of me.
I’m sorry.

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I hate to think that your life is ruined. For one thing, your life isn’t over yet, therefore, there is still a chance of finding balance and healing.

No one is entitled to the power over you that results in a ruined life. Perhaps both of us have asked our self the question, “what have I done to deserve this karma?” Then I look at innocent children who are born to suffering, then die. What have they done to deserve such karma? I decided that there is more to the issue than what can be explained by karma.

Think about the eighth grade bully. Did his death reduce your pain? Or did it remind you of so many others that you felt deserved retribution, and did those thoughts trigger more pain? So you asked me how I know that punishing these people won’t alleviate your pain. I really don’t know, after all, we are two different people. I can just tell you that in my case, seeing others get what they deserved, did not remove the damage they caused me.

What happens when people learn and grow, and decide not to be assholes anymore? That means they are no longer the same person they were. If at that point, you decide to punish them, you may be hurting an innocent person. Another problem can occur when punishing the guilty leads to suffering of the innocent. Revenge gets really really complicated.

Pick an asshole, any asshole, and if you look into their past, you will find reasons for their screwed up perception of life and morality. Victims of abuse often become abusers. Children of assholes often become assholes. Then there’s the issue of stress induced neurosis, repressed feelings that sometimes come out in irrational ways, and those who have very short fuses, because of their own pain, fear, or insecurity. There are countless ways that people express fear and pain by causing others pain.

Imagine a bucket brigade, except there are no buckets, and people are passing hands full of vile shit down the line. If just one person decides not to pass it on, no one else in that particular line has to accept any more shit. My goal is to be the person who stops passing the shit. Imagine the Three Stooges. Moe slaps Larry, in turn, Larry slaps Curley. That’s what a lot of people do, except the slapping is passed down through generations. Some reason that if they’re not the slapper, they’ll be the ones who are slapped.

Pain and ruined lives are also passed down through the generations. In business situations, the same dynamic occurs, where as they say, shit rolls downhill.

So here we are, subjected to all kinds of hell, and witness endless tragedy.

Some thoughts and memories will always cause pain. Punishing the offenders won’t change that. Our hearts become scarred. Best case scenario is that we become “wounded healers.”

I mentioned earlier, look to the stars. They are little points of light, surrounded by darkness. Wounded healers are points of light that will not be diminished by darkness.

Don’t worry about cleansing your soul. It as pure as the day you were born. That explains why the world around you is causing so much pain.

The ability to tolerate and process such pain without passing it on, is an ongoing challenge.

You have a strong sense of justice, and you are passionate. You are the miracle that you need. God isn’t testing you as much as He is trusting you.

Signing petitions and posting positive things online is nothing to be sneezed at. You have probably heard about the butterfly effect, that the flutter of its wings can set into motion a cascade of events that eventually leads to a typhoon. Similarly, a positive word from an obscure location can change the course of history.

As we help others to heal, we become healed. That doesn’t mean we won’t have emotional scars, but they become manageable.

I write more, but it’s going on 3 AM, and I’m losing the ability to keep my eyes open. Thank you for reading my post with thoughtful consideration.

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Thank you for sharing… just thank for sharing… i cant vocalize this kind of experience but your bravery … well i cant formulate it now but will try

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Tobias, Sometimes you just have to blurt it out on paper/screen, re-read it, clean it up a bit to make it coherent, and then post it, to get it off your chest. That’s how I feel alot.

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Wings,
Thanks as always for responding. I appreciate it.

No one may be “entitled to power” over me, but that’s how it always plays out. I err on the side of caution to maintain my existence, and not get disowned, thrown out, institutionalized, or jailed, often if the face of odds where my way of thought is challenged and my dreams are crushed. I’ve had to bide my time through all of it, and in suffering this continued oppression throughout my life; parents, teachers, principals, managers, and cops. Sometimes it was general misbehavior, but sometimes I was standing up for myself and what I believe it. It was because of that, that I was put on meds in my teens. I also spent a week in a nicer mental hospital and had to play the game until I got out. Nobody had enough confidence in ME, or what I BELIEVED to support me. They just wanted to be safe, and save themselves. They chose wrong, so I was forced to choose the safe route my entire life.
And yes, when I see what happens to those kids around the world, my heart aches, and I think about How can god be such a cruel motherfucker? What is he trying to teach us? That shit just happens? Well fuck him!!! He took my fucking grandma from me during the pandemic! I miss her! My friend had a brother who lived with a crippling disease his entire life, and it slowly ate away at him until he died last month.My friend is one of the strongest, most outgoing, hard-working fathers and content creators I know, and that still hurts him like hell. I’ve got people across the world that I know, suffering because of some powerful motherfucker’s mistakes, because they’re willing to step on people to get what they want while the rest of us suffer. I hope Karma makes the oppressors suffer and we finally have peace in this world.
Yes, when that 8th grade bully died, it did reduce my pain, because I know that justice was served. It didn’t trigger more pain, beyond remembering briefly what he did to us, and now he’s dead, so he won’t make anyone else suffer.
When you saw assholes getting what they deserved, after putting you through pain, it may not have removed the damage they did, but it set the scales of justice in your favor, at least based on what you’re saying above. Cite an example if you want.
The bullies I’ve known, RARELY, IF EVER grow up to be better people. I known only 2 instances, maybe, where someone who was hassling me, became a better person, and that’s out of 50 or more bullies my entire life.
Yes, revenge can get messy if you don’t plan properly. Depending what you’re doing and how you’re doing it, you have to plan for contingencies. My mind goes through a million what-if scenarios on a ton of bad things daily. I haven’t contemplated true revenge in years, but I’m still not whole. Until I’m sure the people who wronged me have made better people of themselves, or apologize to me for ruining my lives, that pain still lives inside me.
As I’ve grown up, I’ve seen the outcomes of people who’ve become bullies so they never get bullied again, or are beaten and abused at home, thus lashing out at others at school. I’ve had friends who were in that boat until I told them how wrong that is and what I’d been through. I was a sub teacher in the mid to late 2000’s, and saw a few people going down a bad path, and tried to correct their course, and they understood why. I chose not to be a bully as I grew up, because I had been bullied. I chose to be an avenger instead. I too, am the one who stops the slaps.
As far as generational pain, my Great-grandfather abused my grandpa as they lived thru the depression in north central PA, and my grandpa in turn didn’t treat my dad or his siblings well either, even if it was better than his dad did to him. Both of them had suffered other kinds of abuse as well, especially my dad who was sexually abused by other growing up in the 50’s and 60’s, which affected his sexual identity and bred uncertainty in his future. He passed that uncertainty onto me, and inadvertently abused me by saying I wasn’t strong enough, physically, to help with certain jobs he needed help with, and at one point forced me to join a gym, something I HATED because I was always abused by fucking jocks! When he came out in 2008 and confessed to a number of horrible things, he sort of apologized for his behavior and called it a terrible side effect of the abuse he had experienced growing up. He never truly apologized for calling me weak. The way he is nowadays, living his carefree retired life, I don’t think he really cares anymore because he’s made peace with his past and forgiven himself for what he did. My sister will never forgive him for what he put my mom through, and I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive him for what he put me through.
Much to my chagrin, I always seem to be in a role of needing to help people who are in trouble, or offering moral support to people I know. I DO NOT WANT this to be what I make of my life. I want to be able to stand on my own, and do what I Want to do, and not worry about hurting other people, but every time I think about doing something I want, I see how it might hurt or slight someone else, and have to change course to accommodate others. I may have been born selfish, but through the immense pain I’ve experienced throughout my life, I’ve been humbled. I’ve learned humility. I’ve been embarrassed and done embarrassing things even into my adult life that keep me humble. Because of this my confidence is low at best. Rarely do I have anything that I can do that I can say I’m really proud of. That hurts like hell. I’ve got nothing to call my own, except the pain in my heart.
My soul is full of holes, left by the people who harmed me the most. It looks like a shooting range target sheet at this point, with most of the holes in my heart and head. I can BARELY tolerate the pain that lives inside me. So many times I feel frustrated and I want to lash out, but I catch my brain before my mouth can do something I’ll regret, and say nothing instead. That hurts too. Stuffing my anger down, and not being able to express myself. God doesn’t trust me, he toys with me like he does with other humans. If he had any sense of justice, millions wouldn’t be dying, and the moneygrubbing despots would be in prison. Dictators would be hanged, corrupt politicians would be working janitor jobs, all the white racists in america would live in one fucking state in the south and be cut off from the rest of the country and forced to live on their own, with a giant wall to keep them in.
I have rarely seen my small actions make a difference in a bigger way. I keep trying, despite not wanting to be forced into doing it by all the emails I get daily.

I hope there’s someone who has gone through exactly what I have, and feels almost exactly like I do, who has been able to turn it around, and tell me how to not feel this pain anymore. To not feel worthless, or less-than, or weak, or like I don’t matter beyond a certain level. I try to boost others up, but I’m getting tired of that. I never really got my chance to truly shine.

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No one will have gone through “exactly” what you have. Some have suffered more, some less, but all have suffered. A few will realize they haven’t suffered as much as others, but it’s far more common for people to believe that “no one understands” how much they’ve suffered.

People tend to think they are at the upper limit of what they can endure, whether they’ve gone through arduous hardship and/or physical suffering, or the worst thing they’ve dealt with is their car not starting.

If you have been boosting others up, you’ve been shining. Yet I believe you have your own definition of what it means to “shine.” Are you creating expectations of yourself in the absence of hope you can accomplish them? You’ve probably heard of the “butterfly effect,” the concept that the beating of a butterfly’s wings can set in motion a series of events that eventually lead to the formation of a typhoon elsewhere in the world. What about the “six degrees of separation,” in which theoretically, any person can pass information to any other person in the world through six other people, or fewer. On that basis, it’s possible that some minor gesture of kindness, or uplifting of another, has triggered a sequence of subsequent contacts or events that have had a significant effect on the future of the planet. So, who knows. If you were able to “zoom out,” and view things in a larger perspective, you might find out you and some shoe salesman in Kansas has had a greater effect on history than Ghandi.

Well, you’re still around, so that may still change.

Regarding the suffering and injustice in the world, I think if anyone dwells on it for long enough, it’d be like pulling a mountain down on top of themselves. If you want freedom to make things better for yourself and/or others, you need to stop marinating your brain in negative thought patterns. Of course you feel weak and worthless. It’s not true, but you’ve convinced yourself of it, thereby debilitating yourself. I don’t believe it’s possible to feel as much anger/rage as you do without at least some of it being turned inward.

How to turn it around and start feeling better? I think you’ve started by talking to me. Not that I’m so great, but it shows that you want to feel better. I wish you could talk to someone in person too.

Do you remember a time when you weren’t so unhappy? What kinds of things did you think about? Remembering how those thoughts felt may help you now. You need some diversion that shifts your focus away from the bad stuff. Our brain is a bit like a computer hard drive, retaining all thoughts and memories, but it is possible to “overwrite” sections aka neural pathways in order to make our existence more rewarding.

I’ve had episodes of suicidality since I was ten. Then years ago, I was so devastated by pain and regret, that I spent most of six months tearfully and in a fetal position in bed. Eventually, I began improving by creating minute by minute goals for myself, coaching myself to think about something other than the loss I experienced. Then little by little, I increased the time I’d commit to not hurting so much, by focusing on other things. I came to realize that engaging my senses and sense memory, such as the smell of fresh cut grass, or a chocolate malt from Saunders, a place that sold ice cream and confections back in the sixties. I’d remember pets and how much I appreciated and missed them. I spent a lot of time walking and thinking. It took a while, but I finally noticed that my life was becoming okay.

One thing that was instrumental in my recovery was when I made a huge career shift. I’d been in building trades and maintenance for most of my life, then I started working part time as a CNA in a nursing home. It was hard work, and because I’m a guy, all the worst patients were assigned to me. I found that I could cope with them pretty well, and found myself caring for them deeply. I found that I wanted to switch careers from fixing things to working with people. I worked my way through college, and became a psych, hospice and home health RN. It was super demanding work, but I felt as though it was my calling, which made it endurable.

I hope you find an activity that “feels right” to you and helps you continue to be a source of light in the world.

Yeah, the world sucks, yet because you’re here, it sucks a bit less.

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I see people in my small community on twitter that have gone through way worse than me. I feel bad for them. I wish they didn’t have to deal with that pain. I see others doing the things I want to do and think “what’s stopping me?” and then list several things standing in my way that are dependent on time, money, energy, and the state of the world, that I have no control over, so I’m back to square one. Today, I suffered through something alot of people suffer through in America, side effects of the 2nd covvax dose. Went to bed with chills, woke up super achy with a massive headache. I felt like shit. In that many of us are the same. My sister says that the reason I felt that way is because I was worried about it for a month, putting it out into the universe, and causing my own predictable end result. As of the moment I feel 90% better than this morning (headache still lingers a bit, and I’m largely without energy).
I’ve been the muse to several of my friends, causing them to pursue creative endeavors, believing in their talents, helping them to succeed by supporting their efforts. I don’t have the same drive for things as they do. I’m too busy being responsible. Holding down a job, cleaning house, cooking food, driving my sweetie where she needs to go so she doesn’t catch covid on the bus, even with a migraine today. I worry about her because he job puts her in awkward situations that she gets upset about and I can’t help her, but at the same time, I don’t have the means for her to stop working altogether, so I worry when she talks about wanting to leave her job to try to do something else (something with less pay and no benefits or job security). I don’t have what it takes to support us both, even in our tiny row home. At the same time, I know how she wants to pursue her art, and how good she is at it, but she never has the time to truly make the strides she talks about, so I worry about that too. I hate myself for how much I worry, and how much I don’t understand what is in my control and what is not, what I SHOULD help with and what I should just listen about. If you’ve ever seen the movie Dogma, there’s a muse called Serendipity. She says she can give out a zillion and one ideas to others, but can’t keep any for herself. That’s how I feel. I’ve written several angry, homicidal songs, to get things out of my brain, but have only gotten to recording one, with the help of 2 friends who are rarely ever around. The rest just aren’t coming together because of time, energy, and drive. I want to be able to do what other creatives do, and not just HELP people, but to be in the spotlight myself. The last time I did that was January 2010. I won a singing contest on a local radio show, back when Danny Bonaduce was hosting here in Philly. I beat out a professional cover singer in a Judas Priest cover band. Since then, I’ve never really gotten any further. I wish the bullies who hated on my all my youth would have heard that, and understood how much I rocked.

As far as the world’s suffering, I see what you said, and I agree. I’ve felt like that many times, especially after you know who became president, and the rise in hate crimes grew, and then the pandemic, the insurrection, the cops killing people for no reason, ALL OF IT. I kept praying that this would stop, that the people responsible would be held accountable, but none of it seems to truly be over, or actually ending. I’ve wished for the powers of a super-hero to stop these things, but it’ll never happen. Yes, I do hate myself for not being able to affect real change, and prevent crimes like these from happening. The other day, I heard about a group of teens so desperate for wealth and status, they killed a rapper for his diamond rolex. I wish there would have been some way to prevent that. Someone dies for no reason, other than greed.
I’ve not been able to talk to someone in person who isn’t already sick of me, in forever. My pain runs deep, and I’ve not been able to find a way around it. I go around in circles, and that’s when people throw up their hands and dismiss me, because they don’t know what else to do. Everything that would help a normal person, is not what would help me, and what would help me, is impossible.
The last few times I was really happy, was when I was on vacation in florida, and I wasn’t worried about the house, the cat, or the bills, because I had it all covered. Before that, was in my senior year of college, when I was making art, and had a girlfriend, and wasn’t as worried about the future, because I was just living. Before that was the first 4 months of my senior year of HS, when I had a girlfriend, and was feared by my enemies. I had an army to back me up and tons of confidence. Before that, I was 4 or 5 years old, I was in pre-school, and had never experienced torment or bullying on the scale I would endure the day I started kindergarten, moving forward. I was just living at home with my parents, and my baby sister, and not caring about anything else, until I saw what a bully was. Until then, I was happy.
My therapist has also told me about overwriting neural pathways. That’s something I want to work on with her, but is slow going since we only have an hour a week at most. I’m hoping we make more progress this week.
I’m sorry that you felt suicidal since 10. Life must have been rough for you back then. Farthest I remember feeling like that was Jr. high maybe, and it got progressively worse through highschool and college, and beyond. I’m no longer bedridden with depression like I was in 2008 when I lost my job and everything came crashing down, and I almost died in my sleep of depression. I take care of my responsibilities every day, between the house, the meals, work, driving my sweetie around, and supporting my teams on social media, but I feel empty inside, except for the rage. When I think too much, it goes to a bad place when there’s no on around to help guide my thoughts. I distract myself by continuing to support my people on twitter, and watching tv I recorded. I just started streaming on Twitch this year, and I’ve done ok, but it’s not my main goal for a career like it is for another of my friends. I don’t pursue it like they do. My brain is scattered everywhere, so I don’t drive in any one direction mentally. I could try making songs, but there’s a lot involved in that. I could try streaming something else besides what I was doing before, but then I don’t feel like it, I could try auditioning for some voice roles, but I haven’t been able to go to the store to get the materials to build by booth, because of the pandemic…then I go back to watching TV again.
I’m glad that your career shift was a fulfilling one. I’m not so lucky. I went from editing videos for bar/bat mitzvahs, birthdays and weddings to being an unemployed substitute teacher, to supporting complicated software since 2010. I’ve never been able to do anything like that because I’m not strong enough to do the work involved to make a shift, and I don’t have the means to be unemployed while that shift is happening. I can’t move to another place to pursue a job because my sweetie doesn’t drive (has always taken the bus since she was little, living in the city). There’s nothing out there that I look at and say “that’s what I want to do”. I haven’t had that drive since I was 18 and that asshole shrink told me I was crazy to pursue what I wanted to. Since then I’ve just been the responsible one, occasionally creating things to prove I still exist, but never quite getting the reaction I figured I would. My parents had always taught me to be responsible, because thats what they were taught, and because they didn’t want me to fail. I went the safe route, but still graduated from college with an art degree that I have no use for in my current job. Last time I used my skills for something like that was in 2015 when I helped a friend make a short for youtube.

I hope that someday I’m able to really use my talents and energy for something worthwhile, and not just forcing myself to do something because it’s expected of me. I hate the world for all the terror I see, and I hate myself for not being able to stop it. I still care about my people, and those I see suffering elsewhere. I just wish this pain would go away.

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I like that you are sharing all this with me, or perhaps more accurately, I feel honored that you trust me with your thoughts. I have a book suggestion for you, “Man’s Search for Meaning,” by Victor Frankel. It was written 70 years ago, at least, but it might as well have been written last week.

I dropped out of school and left home at the age of 15. Shortly before that, the school counselor told me that I would never amount to anything. Interesting thing about me though, is that when someone tells me I can’t do something, I do my damnedest to prove them wrong. I went to a stop smoking class, and the guy said “odds are you will never quit unless you get with our program.” A short time later, I put my cigarettes in a kitchen cabinet, and never smoked another one. I kept the cigarettes around for months, because if they weren’t, I thought I would tell myself that the reason I wasn’t smoking was because the cigarettes weren’t available, and if that was the case, I might be too weak to succeed at quitting.

Has someone made such discouraging comments to you? Removing their credibility by doing what they suggest that you can’t, can be a bit of fun. Your parents hearts might’ve been in the right place, but I think their advice might have held you back. At the same time, you may have done exactly the right thing for that time in your life.

If I could give you a homework assignment, it would be to time travel in your mind, back to those times when you were happy. Remember those times as vividly as possible, and feel the associated emotions. Yeah, it’ll suck when you have to return to the present, but your mind will have had a mini vacation. In the present, take little segments of time, 15 minutes, 30 minutes, or whatever, and for that period of time, suspend all worry, anger and grief. Do something to take your mind off it. Take a walk. Eat some ice cream. Watch elephants and butterflies take shape in the clouds. Watch an absurd comedy.

The fact that you have been dealing with so much pain and self recrimination, and still have kept your life fairly together, and are in a relationship, makes you a superhero in my book.

I went the insane route for a while, then spent quite a bit of time in a safe rut, then all hell broke loose and I went nuts for a while again. I guess now you might say that I am in a “rut of contentment.”

I believe you have a deep and passionate desire to make things better in the world, but feel helpless to do so. Yet without any fuss, or becoming rich and famous, you manage to share a bit of positive energy, if only to your significant other, you are creating a positive legacy, the effects of which will help both you and the world to heal.

I think it’s interesting that stress inducing thoughts can make it feel as though your heads going to explode, and warm, loving thoughts feel as though they are coming from the heart. A person can actually feel the difference between thinking with the head, and thoughts elicited by the heart. It’s worth checking in with the heart frequently. When it comes to making significant decisions, checking in with the heart is essential.

You can only effectively focus on one thing at a time, therefore, overwhelming yourself with a bunch of unpleasant thoughts, will only detract from your chosen focus.

Care for yourself, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. That will make your life more manageable.

People with an artistic drive need to express that art, even when no one is around. It’s just like writers need to write, in order to cultivate their gift and feel fulfilled, even if no one ever sees what they’ve written.

I fancy myself to be a writer, and others assume that I am as well. Yet there are plenty of times when I’m blocked. You might find something similar happening with your art. Be patient with yourself.

You hate yourself? I suggest you treat yourself as well as you treat others. If you met another person who was very much like you, dealing with similar issues, would you hate him?

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Thanks for the book suggestion. I don’t read often. Comprehension has sucked since I was little. I have to re-read something several times before I completely understand it. This is why it took me so long to read all 7 Harry Potter books.
I’m sorry you had to leave home and take up smoking at such an early age. I had a friend who was in a similar situation, and he turned out to be a manipulative asshole, and a chain smoker. I guess people of past eras were alot stronger because they had to be. Most I ever did was quit soda 3 years ago. I only drink it for upset stomach and chronic migraines. Then again, I don’t drink coffee. I never smoked, I never drink because If I lost control of my brain I would cause alot of problems for myself and others if I was drunk. Also, I’m usually the designated driver. I never got into hard drugs, and I quit smoking weed after 5 times. I learned from the mistakes of others.

As for removing the credibility of others, its hard when they have credentials prominently displayed and/or are well regarded by a community. I wouldn’t know where to begin. Alot of the decisions in my life that left me discouraged were the right thing for that time in my life, from people who aren’t me, or don’t understand how I feel (basically everyone else).
I’ve tried that mind time travel, but the way my brain works, I fast forward to what ended those happy times. I have an overactive imagination on the worst things. I’ve tried many ways to distract myself, usually end up cleaning around the house, but that gets old after a while.
I still question how I’m able to keep anything together. I feel like I may snap at some point and that’s the last thing I want to do. I wish I could release this pressure in a better way.
I’m sorry for what you had to go through. I’m glad you’re at least somewhat content moving forward, whether you’re in a rut or not.
As much positivity as I try to put into the world, it doesn’t help my mostly negative brain. I’m still hoping for a miracle that doesn’t involve medication.
I think I may have lost touch with my heart, where everything feels like it’s coming from my head. I think my heart is too depressed to speak up. Any thoughts that come from somewhere else in me are angry, and violent, and I do my best to keep them calm. While my brain tries to keep it together, my body chooses violence, and I don’t want to hurt the people I care about, no matter how much they piss me off.
My focus is limited to my responsibilities unfortunately. I have a hard time focusing on other things that would make my life better. I’m not sure why. I can’t even focus on my own creative endeavors because something is always missing.
I’ve tried to care for myself, but I always feel empty and alone when I do. Most of my life I’ve had family or friends nearby that can help, and now people are at least an hour away, and are busy with their own problems, so I am left to my own devices. Sometimes I get lucky when asking for help but otherwise, I’m all alone and scared. Not sure how to make it manageable with an overactive mind.
What I would express through my music, is violence and hatred, to release it from my being. It may be considered a threat to some, which would get me in trouble. That’s the last thing I would want, to be in trouble again.
I’ve lived over 40 years on this earth, and have seen changes come faster than I would want. I’m not able to be patient with myself because the world cannot be patient for me. I was forced into being a good student and disappointed my family in HS when I started failing certain subjects, when I was “gifted” otherwise most of my life. The trauma I suffered every day affected my ability to focus. I found things that I wanted instead and my family wasn’t too happy about that. I was forced to move out, without much notice to prepare, about a year after I returned from finishing college, when my dad saw a loophole that he thought would better me, and force me to make important decisions quickly. I was working two jobs, trying to save up some money to leave out on my terms, putting in applications for jobs that were in line with what I had learned and wanted to do, and then my parents just decided FOR me and said “go here, get a job up there, fend for yourself.” I didn’t get to give my jobs 2 weeks notice. I was gone in a week. By the skin of my teeth I made it work, but was forced into decisions I had almost no time to consider. After the market crash of 2008, I was living on my sister’s couch for a year, until I had to act on a whim to get a tech certification and take a tech support job in late 2009, a full year after being let go. So unfortunately, I can’t be patient with myself if the world is not patient with me.

I hate myself because I can’t let go of the anger inside me in a way that doesn’t hurt someone I care about, or cause damage that I would be in trouble for. I hate myself because I haven’t lived up to the potential so many people see in me. They don’t see inside my head. They don’t see how I feel or how I think. They can’t possibly understand how deep this goes unless I explain everything, and since everyone has their own problems, nobody really has the time or energy to listen, AND deal with their own issues, so they give me that “weird kid” or “insane criminal” look and fade away.
If I met someone like me, I would hug them, listen to them, counsel them, try to help them. I’ve done stuff like that off and on my entire life, and have made friends who have done other things. For some of those friends, I wasn’t able to be there at times when they needed me, and bad things happened to them that made things worse, and I beat myself up for that. Some didn’t listen to me and they went down a bad path and are now suffering the consequences. I feel bad that I wasn’t able to help them.
I can’t hate anyone who is truly like me, unless they do something against me that is truly unforgivable, like stealing something that’s irreplaceable. That happened with one former friend, and now I don’t talk to him anymore. He was manipulating me for years. Good riddance.

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I drink at least 3 cups of coffee in the morning.

It’s actually the most fun to remove credibility from those who are prominently displaying their credentials.

Your heart is still around, and you are still using it, as evidenced by the way you are talking to me.

Actually, the more I hear from you, the more I think you actually have unfavorably altered brain chemistry. I certainly did, that’s why I’ve been on Wellbutrin for 20 years. I am convinced that both my dad and I had chronic depression programmed into our DNA. Either that, or both our minds were messed up due to trauma. In my dad’s day, admitting to any sort of mental health issue would be cause for embarrassment and shame. Actually, it was like that for me as well until I was about your age.

I’d be interested in knowing why you have become so averse to medication.

Keep in mind, you are not your thoughts. The constant, often troubling dialogue occurring within your brain isn’t really who you are. At depth, your actual essence is more closely aligned with your heart. It seems that for the moment, I sense more of who you truly are than you do. It’s not terribly uncommon. People see things in me that I don’t feel in myself. We learn a lot about ourselves through our interactions with others.

Considering your negative thought patterns, your habit of self-deprecation, and your identification with those thoughts, who is this person that is often a designated driver, does his best to be kind to others, and has kept his life together for so long? If your self-concept is 100% negative, how would you explain the decency with which you act in the world?

You are being terribly unfair to yourself. Maybe it’s impossible to talk you out of your self-contempt, even as you acknowledge that someone like you deserves to be hugged, listened to, and counseled, but I’ll keep trying.

I don’t know if it works the same way for you, but when I start feeling under the weather or overly tired, my mind turns negative. My temper grows short. I take things people say to me in the worst possible way. Later, when I’m feeling better, I recall the bad mood, and to realize that I was seeing the world through shit colored glasses. Anxiety, stress, and depression, can also turn a person’s perception terribly negative.

Sometimes I have to ask myself, "am I perceiving my world in a reasonably accurate way, or am I seeing a reflection of my own frustration?

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Sorry you’re that dependent on caffeine to get you going. Wish there was something more nutritious that would give you energy, like b12 vitamins or something. I was using soda for caffeine until stress and that, gave me chronic migraines, and so I stopped drinking soda for that, and my teeth and blood sugar levels I’m mostly only on water, with occasional OJ, lemonade, cranberry juice, and cherry koolaid.

My heart is there, but just not as vocal, because it is filled with rage and sadness. I try to temper the rage with reason so I don’t hurt anyone, and so I can keep existing. I’m never mean to anyone without good reason. I’m usually civil with most people. Thank you for continuing to reply.

Genetically speaking, I too am predisposed to mental illness, on both sides of my family, but more so on my mom’s side. Men on that side are quick to anger, depression, and stubbornness. We hold grudges, a LONG time. My uncle and my grandpa were both soldiers. Not me. I don’t like getting yelled at to build me into something else. I’ve dealt with that in school. I’d never want anyone to have to go through that who is like me and has been through what I have. Those guys were tough, on themselves and their kids. Now his kids, they’re the same way, but with bigger hearts because of their mom. I have kindness, empathy, and patience because of my mom, and a short fuse because of genetics and my dad, and my mistreatment growing up. In his day, keeping shit quiet was the same too, like it was with you. In my day, you get made fun of or called psycho. By 16, I embraced being psycho because it meant nobody messed with me who wasn’t on the same wavelength, or knew me better. By my senior year I was public enemy number one, and the administration took me out of school for my own protection, because people thought I was gonna shoot up the school. I was back in for 2 weeks before I went suicidal, and was hospitalized. I graduated homeschooled. I had no guns. I had a shit list, but I wasn’t gonna kill anyone like they did.

Im adverse to meds because I don’t like how they make me feel, all empty, and not like myself. No energy, no imagination. Tried some anti-anxiety meds last year and the side effects were to heavy and made me feel like I was going insane. I was on welbutrin from age 18 to 25, while I was living at home. I was forced to be on that shit and I hated that I had to be medicated. I hate having a leash on me. I don’t want to be anyone’s slave anymore. My parents put me on prozac and other drugs when I was 16 to 18, to make THEM feel safe around me, not so that I felt better. They lied to me at the time. In hindsight they admitted that medication would have been ok, but not the ones I was on. I don’t want to go back to that ever again.

It’s hard as hell to separate my thoughts from who I am. My thoughts and beliefs are tied to my core. A lot of them, because of my trauma, are constantly replaying in my head depending on what situations happen to me, at work, at home, and on the road. At depth, I would hope to be a hero, and not a villain. Getting an outsider’s perspective based on evidence is something good, depending on the circumstances.Notions that tear down the positive parts of my belief system are met with anger and sadness, and despair. Like someone telling you that “just because your mom says you’re special, doesn’t mean you are, because no one is. You’re just clay and what you make of your life is up to you alone, so you have to work extra hard to prove yourself”. Notions like that make me angry, and makes me want to attack the person who said, it and berate them, and tear them down. Meanwhile they’re a huge fucking bodybuilding who had to work from poverty with a single parent, who grew up homeless off and on, and can back up what they say. I STILL FUCKING HATE assholes like that, and want to cave their nuts in with my steel toed shoes. I can’t agree to disagree. Fuck that guy! I hate that guy! He’s the kind of asshole who thinks he’s all big and bad because of she shit HE went through, and gives no room to people struggling with their own shit because he did everything himself.
My self deprecation comes from the mistakes Ive made, not so much other peoples misinformed opinions of me. The good things I do, is to try to keep myself good, to balance out the evil thoughts I have, and the anger inside me. There’ve been times that I’ve been pissed off for no good reason or frustrated with the world and my life, and I feel like I’m gonna snap on my girlfriend, and I have to think, breathe, and temper myself, because she doesn’t deserve to be yelled at, and what would be wrong. It’s really hard to do, when EVERYTHING around you is going wrong, and the world falling apart and not being able to do anything about it. Feeling helpless, worthless, depressed, overwhelmed and still trying to hold it together, it’s damn near impossible not to snap. I have to stuff my feelings down deep with no outlet, and no decent time to express myself. My family is always like “I don’t know what to tell you. You always feel this way. I’m out of ideas”. This is why I’m in therapy.
I had to learn how to be good, because I hate people who are bad to others. I try to be good, to keep the beast locked up tight. I’ve always feared what destruction I would cause, to myself and others if I just went rage monster on someone. I try to be responsible and good, so I don’t become a villain or a criminal. This is why I have to keep myself in check and its exhausting to do so.
Even if I am worthy of loved, the amount of “whining and complaining and bitching” that I do, is more than most people can handle out of one person, and they question why I am this way, and avoid me altogether for the most part. I give my life story, and it’s like “TMI dude! I didn’t ask for the flood.” So this is another reason I keep myself down, and don’t open up all that much, because I’m a mess inside.
Yes, the weather, feeling sick, being tired, adds to my frustrations like it does for yours. I do tend to react the same way. This is bad when it comes to my depression and migraines. My girlfriend is going on about something she’s doing, or something she’s dealing with, and all I can think of is “please shut up. I don’t feel like listening right now. I’m in a lot of pain.” but I have to sit there and bear it because I love her so much, and she’d want to do the same for me, even when she’s upset. It’s not so much shit-colored glasses, as it is a low energy status with not enough juice to listen and maintain composure.

Your last thought is valid, for most people who can tell the difference. In my case, sometimes I can and sometimes I can’t. It depends how much shit I’m going through at the time. As my therapist has told me, my trauma informs how I perceive the world around me. This is true for most people, but doubly true for depressive folks like me with anger issues.

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You seem to be really good at introspection. You seem to know yourself pretty well. I do take vitamin B12 every now and then. I used to take it regularly, but my doctor said my level was too high. Still, I notice a difference when I do take it, so maybe my B12 level is above average, and my body needs an above average level in order to feel well. I’ve gone off caffeine for months at a time, but finally decided that I just plain like the stuff, and I have very few vices. Interestingly, when I was off the caffeine, I’d have migraines, but haven’t had any since being back to drinking coffee.

My family was evicted a lot, resulting in my having attended 13 schools by the ninth grade. That’s when I left home, lied about my age and began working full-time. I always was an extreme misfit in school. I was the fat, dumpy kid, who wore strange and out of date clothes. I was bullied a lot, and got in lots of fights. I made a friend here and there, but the friendships didn’t last, because I was never in one place long enough to keep the friendship going.

Dad was a chronically depressed alcoholic. Mom was bipolar, schizophrenic, with borderline personality disorder. Even at the best of times, my life was like living in the twilight zone. My dad couldn’t hold onto a job, and my mom constantly gave him hell, but not encouragement. They were so preoccupied with fighting each other, I could stay away from the house for days at a time, and my absence would not be noticed. For a time, I was hungry enough to eat scraps out of a neighbors trashcan. There was no affection in the household. The first time in my life when I felt sincerely cared for was when I was 20.

I think it’s doing me some good to talk about the stuff with you, as I seem to be gaining clarity regarding the influence of my past.

I brought that much of my past up this time, to demonstrate a point regarding this person who you “fucking hate.” I hope you can shift this hate more towards indifference. As long as you hate him, you are giving him too much space inside your head. Anyway, my point is that many of us go through hell, then spend the rest of our lives working through the traumatic issues. Recovery for each of us is a unique process, and must adhere to a unique timeline.

Apparently, the timeline for this individual has yet to include finding sufficient wisdom to not be an asshole. Even if he fought lions and tigers and bears, walked to school 20 miles in the snow barefoot, uphill both ways, he has still managed to hang on to an asshole attitude. That’s his problem, and with it, he is alienating anyone who is smart enough to recognize his pompous arrogance.

In my experience, pompous and arrogant people overstate their past hardships and subsequent “heroism.” Those who have been truly devastated, either become bitter and withdrawn, hence have no desire to brag about themselves, or they develop a great deal of empathy and become “wounded healers.”

As far as “whining and complaining and bitching,” it can be good to get it out of your system, but it might also be reinforcing your anger. I’m not sure when it transitions from therapeutic venting to something else.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve had a migraine. I used to have to go to the ER, for a shot of Versed, when they happened, as I had a terrible reaction to the pills.

It might be good to see how it works out, if you kindly tell your girlfriend that “now is not a good time for me.” She probably doesn’t want to add to your pain.

As far as low-energy and shit colored glasses, it’s kind of like the chicken and the egg thing. Yet I think each element perpetuates the other. That’s why I keep trying to talk you into distracting yourself in some way, to at least for a little while, take your mind away from oppressive thoughts.

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Never seen anyone say their B12 levels were too high. That’s a first. As far as going back on coffee, caffeine withdraw headaches are definitely something I’ve experienced with soda. After I’d been without it long enough, I stopped having those. I treat my normal headaches and tension headaches with excedrine migraine, and that seems to help. I treat my intense migraines with Rx meds specifically designed for them. Sorry those meds didn’t work out for you.

Sorry that you grew up with such a rough life. I hope you’ve found peace. The one guy whose hardships numbered many that I had known as a friend since 1998, and whose influence I am no longer under, was the same kind of asshole. Abused physically and sexually from an early age, born deaf but could play piano after they fixed his ears, took up smoking at 13 and never quit, continues to perpetuate his misery on to others and manipulate them. He’s worse than that bodybuilder guy. He stole something from me that I can never get back. I will never forgive him. The bodybuilder, I’m fairly indifferent to him now, but still think he’s a dick for his “pull yourself up by your own bootstraps” and “no one is special” attitude. I wish I could tell him how much of a dick he was for saying that shit, but it’s a waste of time. You can’t convince assholes that they aren’t being assholes, because what they say and do is so ingrained in their being. This is why I try SO HARD not to be like them. They rent space in my head because I hold grudges until the scales are balanced. So far they have not been for certain cases. This is why I still have pain and hatred inside me from those assholes.
I always had at least one good friend to hang with growing up. Most times I felt like a burden to some of the stronger ones, and others I was upset with when they grew apart from me. I still have one good friend from when I was young. He ain’t the brightest, but he’s got lots of confidence and a lot of “fuck it” in his system. He’s a decent guy.
I’ve vented roughly the same thing since I was in my teens, that nobody seems to know how to fix. I can’t ignore the bullies, I can’t fight them one on one because I’d get in trouble, expelled, or put in jail. I can’t speak up for myself in unfair situations because 'the world isn’t fair and it’s never going to be", so I’ve had to suffer mental and emotional abuse longer than I can take. I want to be the one to hurt these assholes so they learn their lessons, but unfortunately that’ll likely never happen. My venting sometimes does reinforce my anger, and makes me re-live my trauma. So far I haven’t found anyone with a solution that makes sense to me, to get that pain out of my memory and my life.
My sweetie is fairly empathetic, but when she’s venting, that sense is turned off because she’s getting something off her chest. Because I’m usually down or angry, she feels like she can’t express herself, which is why I try to stifle my feelings while she’s venting. She’s another close one who “doesn’t know what to do with” me and how I feel. I’ve been with her for a long time, and she’s saved my life a few times.
I just wish this trauma was gone, so I didn’t have to feel this burden anymore.

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There is no need to be sorry about my difficult past. Actually, there’s a lot more to my story, and it may come out bit by bit. The thing is, the entire experience has been instrumental in making me who I am today. I usually feel okay, and recently, becoming more inspired, and you have had a role in that.

Those guys don’t rent space in your head. You are paying them to be there, the currency is your peace of mind. You do seem to have an entrenched pattern of reliving your traumas. A level of brain that’s closer to your emotions, that will make you feel the same as if that remembered experience is occurring in the present.

That nobody has figured out how to fix you does not mean that you are unfixable. I think it’s a matter of finding the right “key.” You have a very large inventory of pain, anger and grief. You have something going on that’s preventing you from seeing beyond it. Do you feel that you need to defend your grudges and anger? Do you feel that letting go of those things will increase your vulnerability? I may have asked this before, but do you believe that the grudges, pain and anger are part of who you are?

I doubt that I’m going to fix you either. I think the healing will occur when you discover the key for yourself.

You seem to have an ongoing pain driven mission. There are 331 million people in this country. If the country was laced with 0.1% assholes, it would still take you hundreds of years to punish them. What would you do if by the time you caught up with some of them, and discovered that they have become decent people? What if you have misjudged some of them?

Sometimes I make a dark joke, “life sucks, then you die.” A friend of my ex used to say “life is a shit sandwich, and every day I take a bigger bite.”

As Red Green often said, “were all in this together.” We are like salmon swimming upstream, although some of us are assholes. When we reach our destination, we relax a bit, and if all goes well, gently exit this life.

Along the way, there are happy moments, moments where we share love, times when we can stop and breathe, and enjoy the fragrance after a rain. The scales are strange. A really hard and frustrating day can be outweighed by a single occurrence that makes a smile. So, although life sucks and then we die, there are moments that make it all worthwhile.

There are times when I can’t speak for myself, and feel pretty much invisible. I think that’s left over from childhood, as being invisible became an important tool for my survival. Sometimes it bothers me that by not speaking up, others assume that my silence means that I agree with them. I pick very few battles these days.

I don’t know what will fix you. Maybe you will wake up one day, fixed. Maybe you will be able to expand in your mind, times, although rare, of past happiness.

There is a lot of stuff on YouTube about self hypnosis and meditation. There is also music that generates a frequency that is said to be healing. I’ve practiced a bit of self hypnosis, and I seem to have benefited. I spent 15 or 20 minutes daily in meditation. I also listen to very relaxing music.

I’m pulling for you, and appreciate your authenticity.

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I’m happy to be helping you at least the tiniest little bit, while you are listening to me. It may be the least I can do, but I don’t want good people who’ve been thru heavy shit, who try to help, to suffer for no good reason.

You’re likely correct as far as my memories of past bullies haunting me. The injustice I faced, and continue to face. The slights against me and my character are not forgotten. My brain catalogs everything. My mind does not forgive. My emotions are heavily tied to how I feel. I haven’t heard of a way to fix this that doesn’t involve medication from someone else’s point of view. I wish there was another way to make it not be as deeply entrenched and attached to my very being. This pain etched itself on my soul, and until the scales of justice are visible to me as balanced, or until I find another path, it’s not something that can be released. I do not forgive those who hurt me this deeply and caused my life to spiral downward in my formative years. I try to impart my story to anyone who will listen, in hopes they can help me make things right, but everyone has said the same thing as you have, including my therapist today. Because this pain is so attached to my life, I don’t know how to get rid of it. I don’t know if that is part of who I am as a person, or just part of my past that has shaped my present. It’s certainly derailed my dreams, and that’s one reason I don’t forgive these bullies. It’s made me suicidal, and that’s another reason. It made my parents stop sticking up for me against bullies when I was 16, and that’s another.
If the key exists, it is hidden somewhere I cannot see. I’m fairly oblivious to secret hints and subtlety. If something isn’t step by step obvious, it’s likely I’ll miss it because of how my brain works. I can’t be too sure, but I may have been on the spectrum from an early age and just never tested.
My pain driven mission is to prevent others from being taken advantage of, and to stand up for themselves, because I never got the satisfaction of doing so when I needed to. I was taken out of battle at pivotal times, and relagated as forfeited. I don’t want anyone else to suffer what I did. I want all bullies to pay.
I don’t care if it takes my entire life, I would always tell my friends and family who are suffering to stand up for themselves and not take shit lying down. Fuck those assholes!
They may not be punished to the fullest extent, but if someone stood up to them, at least my people would be safe.
If I had somehow misjudged an asshole, I’d be willing to at least partially listen and hear them out before I made my point, but they’d have to come to me with humility. You come at me with anger, putting me down, you’ll get the same in return. That’s just how I roll. I never want to be bullied again. Some bullies can change. Some can see they were wrong. Others are just born assholes. That’s what I’ve experienced anyway.
I used to carry a keychain that said Life’s a bitch and then you die. I agreed. I held onto that keychain until it broke off. That being said, I refuse to suffer a shit sandwich any longer. I’ve been thru hell at work under a tyrant boss, with a condescending attitude making me feel like shit to get his own way, and been suicidal and homicidal about it, until I found a way to report his ass for that shit and get him fired. I was part of a miracle where HR actually did the right thing for their employees and not for management. Now my new manager is good, and we treat each other with respect. No more shit sandwiches for me.
The happier moments of my life that I CAN remember, I’ve put down in writing as best as I can, so I always have them with me. I have old pictures for that as well. despite the trauma I’ve suffered in those years, I at least had times with friends and family that were good. They served as momentary distractions from the day to day torture of my peers, growing up. They didn’t necessarily outweigh the pain that I was going through, but they distracted me from it for a bit. Back then I wish I could have been invisible at will, but everyone knew who I was and as the weird kid who defends my own beliefs, I was an easy target. I couldn’t pick my battles because I was constantly being attacked, so I was constantly at war. I try to get better at it nowadays. The most I deal with is with road rage, in a physical sense. Aside from that, nobody is actively attacking me daily like I once dealt with, but pain of that past stays with me forever.
Not sure I’d be able to afford a hypnotherapist on top of what I’m already paying for my weekly sessions, and I’ve tried the meditation things on youtube. Either my brain moves to fast about a ton of other worries, or I fall asleep. I wish I knew what else to look for. Maybe I’m just searching for the wrong thing.

Thanks again for responding.

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self hypnotherapy has helped me a bunch…!!! it is real

my bro was a magician and did hypnosis and then I heavily looked into the therapy aspect of it… I need to get back to making tapes for me at night…

the past sticks with me too… I feel i am not me without my past… I cant look forward without me checking out my past… hope you feel better soon cms

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I wasn’t online yesterday, that’s why I’m responding today. I wonder if it isn’t an issue of re-calibrating the scales. For example, add more weight to the positive stuff. I know it sounds simplistic, but maybe if you gave the positive stuff more thought, it’d occupy your mind, at least for a little while. For example, “Your kind words are worth more than a thousand insults.” Or “Yeah, my heart has been torn to shreds, but I’m still here, and I appreciate you.” I’m really fortunate in my marriage. I think all the hardship and injustice I’ve experienced, led up to my current relationship, and it was well worth it. I’d do it all again, to end up where I am.

I hate that you’re in such pain, but it may help to realize that you’ve already converted much of it into strength of character. Although I’d have been very happy not to go through the negative experiences in my life, they’ve become useful stepping stones in my personal growth.

The love of a person who’s been through suffering, and heartache, can be pure and powerful. I suspect others have already benefited from that kind of love from you.

Be aware, nothing that anyone has ever said, or will say, can diminish that reality. You are an instrument and conduit, bringing compassion into the world. Don’t try to deny it. I can tell by your writing that it’s true.

All the bad stuff we’ve experienced has tempered us, and added to our wisdom. Extracting good from adversity is an art that continues to evolve over a lifetime.

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As far as recalibrating the scales to make positive things count for more than negative things, that’s something that takes years, sometimes decades to perfect. It’s not really something I can do in the short term where I need it. I can understand the concept, but not sure how to properly implement it; especially in a way where i’m not back-sliding.
The people who hurt me the way they did, did so in a way that ruined my life. This is what kept me from chasing my dreams when I could actually do so. It lost me support from my parents when I really needed it.
I’m glad that despite what you had gone through, you’re happy with the relationship you have now. Mine is in peril. I’ve been with the same woman for 18 years, and over time I only seem to have gotten worse, while she has gotten better and more enlightened. My brain doesn’t work that way. Maybe it’s because of my job, or all the responsibilities I have, or everything I’d been through, but I can’t “get better” fast enough. She feels trapped. Even though I’m good to her, and treat her well, and provide for her, she feels like I’m not doing enough to be with her. We used to have physical intimacy, but because of me, and things we both went through, we’ve lost that and it hurts us both. We had a long talk the other night that made me feel suicidal because losing her would make my life fall apart. I’d be alone and bitter and hating everything and everyone. I’d get myself killed doing something stupid, taking my frustrations out on the world. For the moment, we still love each other, but it’s harder for her being patient with me. It’s hard enough for me to be patient with myself when so much is on the line.
Every once in a while I think about if I’d do it all over again the same way, and I can honestly say no. As much as I love my sweetie, I tolerate the rest of my existence. I still feel I could have been more if I wasn’t derailed by bullies and adults who thought they knew what was best for me. I would love to change my life if I could, but still keep my sweetie, and do better for her and myself. I hate this world and what it does to people like us. Sometimes I wish I could kill all of the evil assholes controlling the country and keeping things bad for progress, but I know that I can’t, and that frustrates me to no end. I can’t accept the things I don’t have the power to change, and that infuriates me. I wish I was a god, so that I could fix EVERYTHING, and people would finally be at peace for the most part.
Despite my anger, I’ve been a muse to many, and a help to those who needed counsel, or a boost, but I’ve never been able to lift myself up, because my circumstances are different and I can’t see a way out of them. But yes, others have benefited from my kindness.
I’m good at helping people, but I don’t want that to be my life. I want to be good at something that all people can recognize, and that I get credit and praise for, rather than suffering in the darkness my entire life. I used to be an academic superstar, but then the world crippled my mind and my emotions, and I’ve never recovered. I miss being the best. I rarely get to shine, and I’m at least another decade off from accomplishing another moment like that. I don’t know if I’ll live that long.
My mind is too overactive to focus on any goals and the ones I can focus on, it’s only for a moment before I have to get back to cooking, cleaning, driving, working, and being a responsible adult. If I had kids it would be even worse for me.
I don’t know what I’ll do next. I’m reaching out to people I know who might be able to help, but it may just be another dead end.

Thanks again for replying.

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