Actually, I think the recalibration is a lifelong process. In the short term, all you have is now. While trying to escape my own despair, often I looked only a few minutes ahead at a time. Backsliding is also part of the process. If you make progress and then backslide, you still have most of the benefit of however long you were making progress. Even if you manage one day successfully, then have two bad days, you can still look back on the successful day, and realize that it can happen again. I actually measured my success minutes at a time.
You are not out of options. There can be other dreams. Do the people who hurt you in the past deserve the power to hurt you in the future? Do you wish to honor those who hurt you by planning for a dark and despairing future?
As long as you believe that your past has absolute power over you, you will feel helpless to change in the present. You want to punish those who have hurt you? I’ll paraphrase something that was said a long time ago; if you can keep your cool in the presence of those who would persecute you, it’s like placing hot coals on their head.
Maybe it feels easier to remain in despair than to have hope, then fall back into despair. Even if despair follows hope, at least for a while, you are feeling a bit better. The willingness to keep hope alive, despite disappointments is also a measure of success.
Credit and praise can be like emotional “crack.” In a lot of circumstances, the absence of complaints is the highest possible form of praise. A superstar is in a precarious position, fearful that their fame may diminish.
You will never be able to fix everything, but you can work on yourself. You have convinced yourself that you can’t change, and your subconscious is making no small effort to accommodate that belief.
I remember watching an episode of the Dog Whisperer, and he was working with the dog that had no confidence, and was demonstrating that fact through its body language. Caesar positioned the head and tail in a position that represents confidence. After a little while, the dog actually did become more confident. It just now occurred to me, dogs must have a subconscious too.
I have done the human equivalent of raising my head and tail, and it actually helped me feel more confident. The subconscious accepts programming in a variety of ways. Too often, we unconsciously program our subconscious in negative ways, then it obediently aligns perception to “prove” a negative belief. It’s not a case of “fake it till you make it,” if you know that you are behaving in positive ways you have yet to feel in order to rewire your brain. There is also the hypnosis or self hypnosis route. If you use either of these approaches, it may still take a month or more to effect the changes that you want.
Exercise, especially that which raises the heart rate for 20 minutes or so, according to a lot of researchers, triggers an endorphin release that is often equivalent or better than antidepressants. I started exercising eight years ago, and I think it’s been really helpful. It also sharpens the thought process, and helps a person feel more confident.
I hope you’re doing okay.