Can't let go of my trauma

[Wings]

@cmscalvert

As far as recalibrating the scales to make positive things count for more than negative things, that’s something that takes years, sometimes decades to perfect.

Actually, I think the recalibration is a lifelong process. In the short term, all you have is now. While trying to escape my own despair, often I looked only a few minutes ahead at a time. Backsliding is also part of the process. If you make progress and then backslide, you still have most of the benefit of however long you were making progress. Even if you manage one day successfully, then have two bad days, you can still look back on the successful day, and realize that it can happen again. I actually measured my success minutes at a time.

You are not out of options. There can be other dreams. Do the people who hurt you in the past deserve the power to hurt you in the future? Do you wish to honor those who hurt you by planning for a dark and despairing future?

As long as you believe that your past has absolute power over you, you will feel helpless to change in the present. You want to punish those who have hurt you? I’ll paraphrase something that was said a long time ago; if you can keep your cool in the presence of those who would persecute you, it’s like placing hot coals on their head.

Maybe it feels easier to remain in despair than to have hope, then fall back into despair. Even if despair follows hope, at least for a while, you are feeling a bit better. The willingness to keep hope alive, despite disappointments is also a measure of success.

Credit and praise can be like emotional “crack.” In a lot of circumstances, the absence of complaints is the highest possible form of praise. A superstar is in a precarious position, fearful that their fame may diminish.

You will never be able to fix everything, but you can work on yourself. You have convinced yourself that you can’t change, and your subconscious is making no small effort to accommodate that belief.

I remember watching an episode of the Dog Whisperer, and he was working with the dog that had no confidence, and was demonstrating that fact through its body language. Caesar positioned the head and tail in a position that represents confidence. After a little while, the dog actually did become more confident. It just now occurred to me, dogs must have a subconscious too.

I have done the human equivalent of raising my head and tail, and it actually helped me feel more confident. The subconscious accepts programming in a variety of ways. Too often, we unconsciously program our subconscious in negative ways, then it obediently aligns perception to “prove” a negative belief. It’s not a case of “fake it till you make it,” if you know that you are behaving in positive ways you have yet to feel in order to rewire your brain. There is also the hypnosis or self hypnosis route. If you use either of these approaches, it may still take a month or more to effect the changes that you want.

Exercise, especially that which raises the heart rate for 20 minutes or so, according to a lot of researchers, triggers an endorphin release that is often equivalent or better than antidepressants. I started exercising eight years ago, and I think it’s been really helpful. It also sharpens the thought process, and helps a person feel more confident.

I hope you’re doing okay.

[cmscalvert]

Having been in despair most of my life, when hope comes around and is shortly replaced with more bad news, it makes me wonder if I’m forced to live in complacency and stagnation forever, only enjoying brief moments of life and hope. I get so far, and then get knocked down with something heavy, be it personal, medical, work related, familial, or relationship-wise. I keep wishing that the pain will stop altogether, so I can have enough confidence and energy to make real progress. I never get that far.
How are you measuring progress for yourself minutes at a time? What are some examples? I’m getting better at road rage, but considering how many times I get cut off, outrun, or stopped by someone who doesn’t know how to use turn signals or just breezes through a stop sign, nearly T-boning me, it’s VERY fucking hard.

My original dream was derailed because authority figures sought to derail me and make me into something I hate. Since I had lost all my confidence, I was not able to rally my friends into taking action to produce in their given skillsets and crafts, and my first vision of become a boss of businesses and giving my friends opportunities. I also lost drive for other creative pursuits like music, art, and to a lesser extent, gaming (both creation of games and playing games). As time has gone on, I’ve seen other opportunities to PLAY games, but have not been able to participate in creating of games. I’m no programmer. My 3D art skills are rudimentary at best. My 2D-digital art skills are also lacking. I never practiced enough to develop them. I never had time or energy to do so. Part of me wants to be a streamer, at least part time. Part of me wants to make an EP of metal/pop-punk songs, screaming at the world and the people I hate, to get this shit off my chest.

The people who hurt me can all rot in hell. I want them to suffer for what they did to me. Some of them, I have no way of knowing if they suffered. I don’t know how to balance the scales in my favor for what they took from me. I would not honor those who hurt me if at all possible. I wish them pain or death. I got my wish in one case, and that made me feel better. No way of knowing how the biggest one will shake out. I have no way of finding them. I don’t plan for a dark future for myself. I’m trying to get better. I still consider this unfinished business. Not sure how to settle it in a satisfying way. I don’t currently have any direct enemies causing me grief these days. I was able to defeat the last one almost 4 years ago. I’m doing my best to keep level-headed in the face of certain antagonistic situations that crop up from time to time, but it takes a lot of energy to do so. I’ve never been able to keep “cool” against someone giving me shit. I have no way to fight back in ways that put “hot coals” on their head.

You may be right as far as your comparison on living in despair and fear, rather than hoping for something greater, and then being beaten back down by something else bad that happens. That being said, any time I try to hope for something better, something else comes along to hurt me, or stop me. I wonder if that’s to test me to see how bad I want something, or to say “No, you can’t do this. Do something else. This isn’t for you.” I don’t know how to feel when something like that happens. I don’t know what to do.
You are right about seeking praise being addictive. I don’t get a lot of truly happy moments in my life. Most I get is surviving, not dying, taking care of everything I need to get done. No major victories in years. So yeah, having no complaints against me that aren’t squashed has also been a while too. Some people give my team shit at work, but we’re right and they’re just complaining about shit they know nothing about, and they don’t like being told no. I manage to survive as I have. I do the best I can at work, given the fact that I’m constantly overwhelmed and we are understaffed. At least my team is on the same page.
I don’t know how I can change myself without somehow reconciling my past, and that’s the part of me that’s broken. I had a long talk with an old friend yesterday, who was with me during the worst times I’ve experienced. She reminded me of everything I had accomplished since the most traumatic times in my life. She said to take a moment of self reflection but not to be distracted by everything else on my path, and to potentially stop carrying people on my back that is making me feel weighed down or like mentally and emotionally exhausted. I’m not sure how long I’m supposed to take, or what I’m supposed to do as part of that. She didn’t specify. She poke in allegories/metaphors. It’s difficult knowing what I should really do next as part of her recommendation. I may have gotten far, but I did so taking the safe route instead of chasing my dreams and that will always haunt me. I’m too responsible to take uninformed leaps anymore. Too much to lose.
For the dog experiment, that’s fine with animals I guess, but it takes more with humans. We have so much more to worry about, to think about, to lose. Being confidence isn’t just a matter of training. It’s a matter of self. It’s a matter of our past and our futures. Way more than just dumb animals (some of us anyway). As far as hypnosis goes, I wouldn’t even know where to begin or who to ask about that. I would want to try that, but I don’t think my mind is accepting of hypnotic suggestion. I’ve been to some shows for entertainment hypnosis, and when I volunteer, I’m usually rejected after the first test.
My girlfriend does exercise some nights and she feels better, but I don’t feel like that would be a good fit for me. I’m not that active, and even when I walk great distances, I feel pain in my chest. Not sure if it’s anxiety of getting somewhere faster or on time, or if it’s an actual heart condition. My ECG’s over the last few years have all come back good, even when I was last in the hospital in December for a kidney stone. So at least I know my heart is working properly for the most part.
I’m glad it worked for you, but like I said, it’s not me.
Thanks for replying.

[Wings]

So, you have made progress, but have a hard time admitting to it, for example, the road rage. You have no “direct enemies.” That’s actually pretty rare. Regarding the “hot coals” thing, the point is to win by not fighting back.

Your friend is saying the same thing I am, just in different words. People heaped a lot of shit on you, and now you’re carrying it with you always. If I felt that I had to make everything right, or “correct” evil deeds that happened in my life, I’d probably be far less functional than you. I also spent half my life convinced I was “unfixable.”

The problem is that of conditioning, most likely at a time when we weren’t aware of what was happening. Often it happens as we’re born into belief systems, and from earliest memory observe emotional behaviors that “prove” those beliefs. It might not even be a family issue. During formative years, a lot of social fallacies are accepted as truth, having been “taught” in schools. You might be amazed at how much we perceive from others body language. People are really good at teaching their children who to like or approve of without saying a word about it. If you’re surrounded by people who don’t believe they get over their anger, it’s natural to assume you can’t either. Even that belief can be expressed non-verbally. The mandate for retribution/punishment/getting even is also a widely accepted social construct. These fallacious beliefs are usually supported by “gut feelings,” which are in fact aspects of obsolete DNA programming, that trigger the limbic system.

Brene’ Brown has an approach for troubling thoughts. She asks herself, “is it true? Is it REALLY true? What if it wasn’t true? How would I feel if it wasn’t true? Is it possible that it’s not true?” Anyway, you get the idea.

The dog thing usually works on humans too. The human mind is complex, but in some ways, it remains remarkably uncomplicated. Think about the times when you’ve been super well dressed, for example to attend a wedding or funeral. How did you feel about yourself when you knew you looked good? Dressing up like that is the human equivalent of raising a tail.

As far as living a few minutes at a time, I’d just keep asking myself if I could hang on and function for the next little while. That would be my goal. Having reached it, I’d say, wow, maybe I can make through the next half hour. This was at a time when I was so debilitated by grief that I couldn’t focus, and was often tearful. I even cried in my sleep. Sometimes, even now, I find myself about to fall back into that terrible state of mind. Even now, if I’m going through something difficult, I ask myself to hold on for just a few minutes longer.

Beyond simple survival, I didn’t really chase dreams beyond the goal of having enough to eat and a place to sleep. Gradually, I thought about what might make me happy, but at the same time I felt as though I could be content enough just to survive. I am pretty reclusive though. It’s amazing I managed to have a family in spite of it.

Regarding the heart thing, when I started eight years ago, I had lots of chest tightness. My blood pressure wasn’t great either. I was also a borderline diabetic. After several months of exercise, the chest tightness was greatly reduced, and now it’s virtually gone. My blood pressure is better than it’s ever been. I also have no symptoms of diabetes. I heard that a supplement called “MK7” helped clear cholesterol from arteries. I think that may have helped with the chest discomfort. I had endocarditis from an early age, which caused heart valve damage, leading to intermittent arrhythmias, so I spent a lot of time worrying about it, until I got tired of worrying. But that’s why I wasn’t put off by chest tightness when I started exercising. I’m surprised and happy to report that arrhythmias are exceedingly rare now.

Talk to your doctor about exercise. I’m pretty sure he/she will tell you that avoiding exercise is what will increase the likelihood of heart problems.

[cmscalvert]

I’ve never been good at winning without fighting. I’ve had to fight for most of the victories I’ve ever had, in some way, shape or form. I’m no bruce lee.

How did you get over wanting to fix everything? That’s one of the things that eludes me, while I continue to understand how the people around me had shaped my past, to try to reconcile my present to my future. I need to talk to my parents about the role they played in sending me to a shitty therapist who told them they loved me too much and that my dreams were delusional, and putting me on pills to make me less angry all the time.
If you were shit on every day and made to be tormented daily, without being able to fight back, if course you’d be angry. They didn’t understand because of how their parents raised them. They didn’t know what to do, so they did the best with what they had. Ultimately it was a bad decision, and at least my mom recognizes that. They just wanted to protect me. I have yet to talk to me dad to understand his perspective. He’s always telling me to “play the game”, to get by. He should know by now that the game is unkind to outsiders and people who are not favored by the game masters, especially after what he’s gone through. He should know better now, what he put me through, but we’ll see what he says.
I know that growing up, my parent’s didn’t seem terribly prejudiced, but their tone and body-language could be seen as a slight against my scoundrel friends who may seem like criminals, but were just against being part of the damn game. My black period was much reviled by them, while I tried to join my friends out in the world. We weren’t getting drunk or high (at least I wasn’t). We were just trying to have fun, but my parents didn’t like it, despite how nice my friends were to my parents. My parents didn’t have deep-seeded anger issues about their lives and the shit they went through, so much that it affected me. If they did they kept that shit to themselves because of how they were raised. My extended family was a different story altogether. Like I said, genetically, I’m pre-disposed to anger and depression, so it’s not so much expected as it is not that big a surprise.
Biologically speaking, I can understand what you’re saying as far as gut feelings with triggers to fight, flight or freeze reactions, but injustice is still injustice. Abuse is still abuse, and trauma is still trauma. I may not have seen war combat but I’m fairly certain I have some form of PTSD. My gut still has rage in it that has yet to be satisfied in some way.

My question to those other questions is Is What true? the fact that that I’m angry? The fact that I feel cheated? The fact that I feel like my life was taken from me by the actions of others? If so, yeah, that’s true. Evidence says so.
If it wasn’t true, I wouldn’t be as bitter. I may be more confident. I’d be living my dreams instead of being stuck in a job that is slowly killing me, while I struggle to get more active in side-hustles. I’d be a star, or at least connected to stars. Right now i’m a muse to other small timers and up and comers who just like me, are fucked up in the head, or can’t decide on what they want to do with their lives, of have shit jobs and want to find a way out.
Is it possible that how I feel is not true? no.
I may need more help understanding this.
As far as feeling more confident when dressed well? That’s a momentary thing. I only get dressed up for special occasions. I’m not a fashion-plate. I’m a rocker. When I’m not wearing collared shirts or polos for work, it’s just t-shirts and jeans. Nothing else gives me much confidence anymore. I have nothing unique that makes me feel valid, that’s truly mine. I’m the jack of all trades, and master of nothing.
I’ve had to hold on for 7 years, before I was able to find a way to get rid of my ego-maniacal, narcissistic, sociopathic, micromanaging, evil, sadistic, asshole of a boss, by finally reporting him for the shit he did to me, and my teammates. He’s somewhere else, working on living a better life. He’s been dealt with. It took me 7 years of hell. I’ve held on for as long as I could before I got to breathe in 2018. My heart is a bit less heavy. My breathing comes easier, and I’m less suicidal than I was back then. Beyond that, I struggle off and on, day to day, between holding out hope my day will go fast, and responsibilities will be easy, and my girlfriend will have good news instead of bad, and I won’t be too upset to listen to her, rather than just holding on until I don’t have to hear her talk anymore. I love her, but sometimes I’m just too pissed off to listen, but I do it anyway, because that’s what a good man does. My problems shouldn’t have to be hers anymore. She suffered as much as I did, when my job was worse. Im past one thing, but it doesn’t mean everything is super easy now. I struggle to figure out what I should do next. I don’t know what I have time or energy for beyond my responsibilities. I feel like by the time I decide, it’s already 10pm and I’ve wasted my evening trying to figure that out while vegging on shows I DVR’d the night before. I see people around me, being creative, having direction. This pandemic has fucked me up, because I don’t feel safe doing anything I want to do OUTSIDE of the house, which includes going to stores during the day. The world has fucked me up, because it’s harder to live now than it ever was, because of the last 5 years of pain and suffering, and it’s only getting worse. People are too selfish to band together for something useful, without being pushed around by authoritarian assholes who have no regard for their fellow humans or the planet. This is why I wish I was god. I would stop all of that, all at once, and destroy the systems of hate and oppression.
I used to be reclusive too. I lived on a survival instinct from College on through until 2010. From there I built toward owning a house, and seeing what else I could do from there. I don’t want kids in this world. If it was a different world and I was in a better life, I’d be fine with having kids, but not now adays. I’m not that strong or wise. I don’t want that responsibility on top of the ones I already can’t handle. I have too many friends with happy accidents. I’m trying to avoid that. I’m glad that you’re somewhat happy, despite what you may be going through these days. Sorry for that.
As far as doing exercise, I see it as a chore, and a symbol of the people who hurt me. I always have, even in spite of being a pro-wrestling fan and seeing how hard they train to do what they do. I haven’t been to a cardiologist in 6 years, and last time that cost me 350 just to get a better diagnostic. I haven’t had my blood work done in 3 years because that’s when I was the most stressed and needed that as part of my yearly checkup. Since then, I’d quit soda, and eaten less fried foods, opting to bake and grill when I can, which could cut down on my cholesterol and blood sugar numbers considerably. I drink 2L of water a day, or more. No tea. No coffee. No alcohol. That MK7 supplement sounds intriguing though. I may look into that at some point. Maybe once I’m fully vaxed, and the roads are no longer under construction, I can start to make appointments to get checked out. Until then I’m just biding my time. Trying to figure out how to let go of my past, without letting it win.

[Wings]

It sounds like you have made progress. There’s a lot to be said for just keeping your life going. Feeling tired an unmotivated is a symptom of being in a job that’s not fulfilling. It is an emotional drain, which also makes the body feel drained. I lived like that off and on for many years, but often hated going home, as my then wife was unpredictable and volatile. She was emotionally damaged by her family, and carried the rage into our marriage. It wasn’t all bad, but I could never count on being able to come home to a reasonably peaceful home. We stuck it out for 18 years though. The last few years were pretty bad though. She was into alcohol and drugs. She kept the drug use secret from me, but my kids told me about it after we separated. She also stopped hiding it around that time. It felt as though the choice was to leave her or commit suicide and make it look like an accident.

I got around to drawing parallels with my family. My mom was out of control nuts. My dad was a chronically, emotionally debilitated alcoholic. I married someone who was pretty nuts, and I was chronically depressed.

After the divorce, I was firmly convinced that I would never be in another relationship. After 18 months, I met my current wife. We took it slow, and in the beginning she said a few things that made me consider leaving and never coming back. She came from a relatively healthy family, and implied that I was stupid for being estranged from mine. Anyway, it has been a good 27 years, and our relationship is still solid.

How did I get over wanting to fix everything? I accepted that I couldn’t, yet remained watchful for opportunities to do what I could to fix things. I was and still am a compulsive fix-it guy. I became a certified master mechanic in my early 20s. I didn’t stick with car repair for very long. It’s too damn dirty and messy. I used to collect radios, TVs, bicycles, lawnmowers and other stuff, starting at the age of 11. I would fix the stuff, and sell it for a few bucks. I had a couple of unlicensed shoestring business is going in my teen years, until I moved out at the age of 15. Then I lived in a rooming house for the exorbitant fee of eight dollars a week. Then I got a job at an auto dealership, lying about my age of course. That gave me an opportunity to add auto body work to my resume. But I seem to be digressing now.

When I went into nursing I joked with myself that I was transitioning from fixing things to fixing people. I started from the bottom, as a CNA. That’s what I was doing when I met my wife. I had to wonder what in the hell did she want with me anyway, as she was a lawyer. These days, after all these years, I still marvel about her attraction to me.

Even in my tiny corner of the universe, I am unable to fix everything, yet I feel as though I was able to do some good. I accept my shortcomings and limitations. I also have no doubt that I have been able to help people. I can live with that.

My parents were train wrecks, but I’m pretty sure they did all they could within their limited ability to function. By the way, the only member of my family that wasn’t extremely racist was my mom. She was crazy, but she did believe in equality. I didn’t have a lot of respect for my dad, because he took so much crap from my mom. I got around to understanding him more, when my first wife gave me a lot of crap. He also treated me differently than my two older brothers. He showed shameless favoritism towards them, while I was convinced that he neither loved me nor liked me. There was a time when he chose to drink, and let me go hungry. Looking back out, it seems the truth is stranger than fiction. These days, I feel a combination of love and heartache towards him.

That might be a basic difference between us. I can still experience heartache when I think about things from my past, but the anger is gone. Now it’s just history anyway. When a person breaks a leg, even if it’s a result of doing something foolish, we feel sorry for them, and often try to accommodate their needs. Why then do we resent, or possibly even hate someone who is mentally and or emotionally broken? I think is pretty normal to get angry when we are mistreated, but if we can “zoom out” to see the bigger picture, odds are, we will come to understand the influences and forces in a person’s life that can lead them to behave badly.

So, I was broken by broken people. They are gone. I’m still here. I’ve had a lot of issues to work through, and some are ongoing. Yet I’m glad to be here.

I need to sign off. Peace

[cmscalvert]

My job is what it is. It was worse, now it’s better.It can get hard at times but it’s not nearly as soul-draining as it was when that tyrant was in charge.
I’m sorry about your difficulties with your past relationship. My girlfriend feels like you did in reference to me, sometimes. Where when she gets home, or when I come to pick her up from work, I might be perpetually depressed or angry. This year is our 18th anniversary of being together. Neither of us abuses substances of any kind to cope. Her father was an alcoholic, so she stayed away from that. At my worst times, I too have contemplated suicide as a release from a painful life or part of our relationship, but I don’t have the means to go through with it. Life still hurts a lot. Either way I don’t have it in me to make drastic leaps anymore, toward anything. I don’t make a habit of jumping into empty swimming pools head first. I plan every step carefully as possible.
I found out yesterday that my dad suffered abuse from his parents, and his dad was an angry perfectionist who was concerned only with appearances so that it looked like he had the perfect family. In addition to that, he suffered the same kind of abuse at school. Difference was that because of his abusive homelife, he had to stuff his pain down deep, and never got to reconcile any of it. He never truly got over what had happened, even when his dad died. He just gave his past less control over his present, and kind of forgot about things. I can’t forget anything. Everything lives inside my memory. Any time anyone had ever truly hurt me, it’s inside me. My parents have wanted to put me on medication since high school and said they should have done it sooner. That hurts me, because it invalidates my point of view based on a diagnosis of a mood disorder (bipolar depression). Back in my teens there was only one Dr. in town who would prescribe meds, and he was a shitty therapist. He told my mom that my parents loved me too much. He told me that my dreams were delusions of grandeur. He was an asshole and he talked like Ben Stein. In the end, at least my parents agree that he sucked. I still feel like my dad doesn’t believe me about everything I was upset about at the time.
I can’t accept not being able to fix certain things. It’s just not in my nature. Even when people vent to me about their problems I’m trying to bolster them up to confront the problem in some way, but those are other people’s problems, so it’s easier to let them go.
I’m sorry you had to go through as much as you did to get to the career you’re at now, but it seems your path was at least somewhat clearer, once you got out on your own. I’m glad you were able to find someone who loves you unconditionally like that. That’s cool.
I too have been able to help people over the years, in my pocket of the earth, but I still feel unsatisfied. I feel like I should be somewhere further up the food chain, or in a better position mentally, financially, or occupationally. Some of my limitations I can accept, like being diagnosed with a chemical imbalance but working on it myself rather than using meds to regulate things, or substances to cope with my pain. I accept that I’ll never have an adonis body, but I don’t work out so I’m fine with that. I don’t feel I need to. I’m still in relatively good health, especially for my age.
My parents always said they loved me. Despite the abuse my dad suffered he did his best to not continue that level of perfectionism and pain with me. Unfortunately, he did make me feel inadequate because I wasn’t physically gifted and had no desire to get physically stronger, but beyond that he still cared. I felt like he treated my sister worse than me sometimes, but I was usually there to stick up for her. She’s smarter than me, and works harder than me. She may not have been free of the pain of our childhoods, but she didn’t suffer the same mental disorders that I do. She took care of me when I lost my job in 2008. Maybe more was expected of her growing up, but I still feel like she was treated unfairly, but in a different way than me. As far as my relationship with my dad goes, despite his disdain for what I had gone through in my past and how I conducted myself at the time, he still loves me. I think I feel the same way about him. We get along to a certain degree, and I think he understands me because he went through the same shit, but he invalidates my feelings/thoughts because of my “chemical imbalance”. That’s painful to me.
I talked to him last night to try to piece things together about how he could have lived the same kind of life as me growing up, and worse, and not completely identify with me when I was going through the same struggles. His upbringing prevented him from doing so. He stuffed everything down, while I expressed myself loudly. His way of rationalizing my way of doing things as bad, was to go along with my diagnosis. He’ll never give that POV up. I tried to see the bigger picture of his life to understand why he is the way he is. I had no idea how bad my grandpa, and the uncle I never knew, fucked him up. If we had talked about this back then, maybe he would have understood more. But no, he just chose to forget what was done to him to live his life, and I can’t forget anything that was done to me.
I’m sorry for what you’ve had to go through, but overall you seem to be in a somewhat stable place. I wish you all the best in your career and your relationship, and hope you’re able to make peace with yourself in some way.
Thanks as always for responding.

[Wings]

I am pretty much at peace with myself. I’m actually happier than I ever thought I could be. I still have ups and downs, and can become extremely on edge, but it usually doesn’t last long.

It sounds like your therapist needed a therapist. Regarding drastic leaps, even when successful, they are not often sustainable. Once in a while, and intuitive flash can make it seem as though you are leaping, but in reality, plenty of work towards that flash has already occurred within.

It’s sad that your dad seems to be attributing your thought process to a mood disorder. It is true that moods affect perception, but the opposite is also true. When I was a psych nurse, I would try and help patients sort their thoughts, as long as they were willing to talk about it, even if the talking took the form of screaming, yelling, or crying. Usually, letting someone say exactly what they think, without judgment, has a significant calming effect.

You have worked through a lot of issues, and have grown in wisdom and compassion. As far as being unable to accept that you can’t fix some things, I understand that many things in this world need to be fixed, and their present state of being is unacceptable. Yet at some level, you seem to understand that it’s necessary to function, and take care of business, even while unacceptable circumstances continue to exist.

I would like to do a lot more good in the world, but I know I need to keep my disappointment in perspective, as I have accomplished quite a bit, even with my limited influence. However, I think early on in our discussion, I talked about the “butterfly effect,” which indicates that minor accomplishments, kind words and gestures, can set in motion a sequence of events and interactions that have a major effect on the planet. Therefore, a small act of kindness can be a huge deal.

As far as being up the food chain or being in a better position mentally and financially, it’s not over yet, but I suspect you really have done some growing. Think about how much you have learned, even in the last few years. If you look back at your level of understanding five years ago, I think you’ll find a noteworthy difference.

Arthritis is making it hard to type, so I guess I’ll sign off for now.

[cmscalvert]

Yes, my former therapist needed a therapist because of his textbook sociopathic and narcissistic behavior. My current therapist is an absolute sweetheart, and a good listener who is trying to help me dissect my thoughts and feelings to break them down and help me figure out how not to feel bad anymore.
As far as intuitive flashes, I don’t really have those. My intuition is broken. I tread carefully, VERY carefully, making decisions and moving forward slowly after measuring many factors in a given situation. I have gut feelings of rage and hatred toward the injustices in this world and toward the people perpetrating them. That is in my heart forever. Having been through so much pain in my life and seeing the pain of others in this world, makes me very upset, especially when those in power abuse that power to kill people for their own ends.

A lot of times my dad thinks he’s helping, when in fact he’s just making things harder for me. I’m glad you were able to at least partially help people when you were a psych nurse. Most of the ones I dealt with during my hospital stay were not really helpful, and more about the rules than anything. Maybe you’ve heard of this or maybe you haven’t, but can trauma create a chemical imbalance? Like can being picked on and abused so much your entire life completely fuck up your brain’s chemistry? If so, is it possible to reverse that without meds, or would you be stuck like that if that were the case?
When I was younger, like since I was 7, I talked to counselors about a lot of things. I didn’t know what it was for or why. My mom just said we’re going to take you to this person and you can talk to them about your life. Just answer all of their questions.
It wasn’t until I was in high school that a school psychologist explained how brain chemistry works with regard to depression and bipolar disorder, which is why they diagnosed me with at the time, and how that works. I understood. I just didn’t care. I was being hassled, and picked on. I was an easy target and I just wanted to be left the fuck alone. I didn’t want to have to kill anyone but that’s what they were driving me toward doing. Fucking 12th grade english teacher decided to give us writing assignments and I wrote things that scared and upset them, and she reported me to the administration. I switched teachers for that subject half way through the school year because that bitch was scared. Both my 12th grade english teachers got cancer, but only the good one died. The other one survived.
I did a lot of screaming and yelling at home, trying to express myself, but all it seems like my parents were doing was trying to supress me. They said they were trying to help me, but their method of doing so did not work for me. I wanted things to be set right, not to be told “this is how the world works, and you have to be medicated so you know how to deal with that and not let it get to you.” That pissed me off even worse. Over the last 2 years of high school, I had joined the dark side of school…dressing in black, listening to more metal and industrial, hanging with that kind of crew, caring less about some things and scaring other people off that I didn’t want bothering me anymore. I got into a few fights at school, told the gym teachers to fuck off, flipped off other students. I didn’t care. Still don’t. Fuck those jackasses. By the time the columbine shooting happened, they thought I’d be the next gunman at school. I had no access to weapons at all, and didn’t own a trenchcoat, but since they saw what had happened, every school in the country was on alert for weird kids who dressed in black/leather, and wanted them out of their schools for safety sake. The administration booted me out homeschool for indefinite time before 2-3 weeks went by and my dad wanted me back in. Unfortunately at the time I went through a terrible breakup with my first real girlfriend, which also sent me over the edge. I was going to kill myself that day by jumping off a bridge. My mom convinced me to go to the hospital and I was stuck there for a week. Within that week I learned many things about different kinds of people. Alot of them I identified with, and wanted to be friends with. Never heard from anyone there again. Went to Red Lobster when I got out. Was still on pills for the rest of the year and into part of college. All that time, I was rarely ever happy. Just keeping an eye out for the next attack.

I’ve been through a shit ton, not as much as some, but still hard enough for me. I’ve learned how not to be an asshole. I’ve learned to be a good listener. I’ve learned to be humble and not be egotistical. But by contrast, I’ve stayed un-confident. I’ve stayed largely submissive in many situations that I felt were unfair but couldn’t control, and in some ways still resent my parents for putting me through what THEY thought was the right thing to do.
I honestly think that the only way to fix alot of the problems happening in this world is to kill the people in charge who are making life harder for the rest of us. I’m sorry if this offends you. I truly apologize because you’ve been nothing but nice to me, but I think all the old white dudes in the south that are in charge need to get the fuck out of being in charge, or be killed to make room for some more progressive voices. The abortion bans, and the anti-trans laws that they’re making down there are horrendous and life threatening. All the cops that are killing black people need to be killed themselves or thrown into prison forever! Qualified immunity needs to be erased permanently. The life of a criminal is still a life. You can arrest or subdue someone without killing them. Most of the cops in this world are sadistic assholes, or pussies who are too afraid of the sadistic assholes to speak up. That needs to end. Unfortunately, only acts of god, or a complete uprising of the entire nation, into a massive civil war, will fix this. People forgot what life was about, and that each life is special. The rich need to be reminded of that, by losing something or someone precious to them. All the people who are getting rich off of the backs of our people who are working for shit pay every day, need to be taught a cruel lesson of their own. Karma needs to balance those scales…Not over time, but immediately. The way things are going, we’re headed toward a catastrophe, or a relapse of the damn pandemic, because of stupid anti-vaxxers and retrumplicans, some of which are former friends of mine, and we’ll never get to a peaceful normal because idiots like that will always exist. These are the people who abused me growing up. These are the people who continue to abuse others. I feel that something needs to be done to stop them, but I have no idea how. I am sorry for the angry rant, but I needed to get that off my chest.
I would hope that something GOOD that I do, can help start something much bigger, rather than leaving me as an example of what not to do.
I’m nowhere near where I want to be as far as a position in life, but I’m not the kind of person to step on people to get any higher. I need to work on my mental and emotional growth to get there. It’s super hard because I’m not doing what other people say is supposed to work, like medication, meditation, or exercise. As far as learning form a few years ago, I’ve not learned much. I’ve just become more numb or built up a slightly higher tolerance for the pain I’m experiencing. It still hurts, but I don’t talk about it as much aside from with my mom or my therapist.
Thank you again for replying.

[Wings]

Somehow, childhood trauma affects both DNA and brain development. Chemical imbalance is a foregone conclusion. All body systems are affected. Immune response is impaired. G.I. complications often create nutritional problems. That reminds me of another issue in my past. When I was 11, I had what I believe to be inflammatory colitis. I can’t say for sure, yes I was not taken to the doctor. I pooped a lot of blood, so much that I ended up anemic. This went on for six months, and my parents told me “you just have the flu.” I recovered on my own, but after effects remained. I was so shaky, I couldn’t hold a pen and write. That’s when the school took me to see a doctor, and I learned about the anemia, and an allegedly hypoactive pituitary gland. In this day and age, CPS would have removed me from my home and quite possibly had my parents arrested. Even after the bleeding stopped, I experienced hunger as deep, painful cramps. That went on until I was 17 years old.

My immune system sucked for much of my life. Growing up I had chronic ear infections, strep throat and abscessed teeth. I didn’t get past those issues until I was in my 30s. As it turns out, abscesses can cause endocarditis, which it did, and my heart did all sorts of weird stuff, due to damaged heart valves. I have felt very close to death for most of my life. With all its peculiar behavior, my heart compensated, not unlike children who are born with heart murmurs.

Fast forward to my 50s, and it was discovered that I had Lyme’s disease, undiagnosed or 20 years. That manifested in many different ways, but I believe the heavy round of antibiotics I was given for it also cleared the endocarditis. It wasn’t until that time that my episodic periods of virtually nonstop arrhythmias stopped occurring. Lyme’s disease mimics several other disorders, such as multiple sclerosis, lupus, and neurological problems. It caused me to have optic neuritis, which has a 90% correlation with MS, which led the doctor to suspect that’s what I had. It actually caused me to lose my sight for several days, after which it gradually started coming back. I still have a couple of blind spots, but my brain seems to do a pretty good job of processing them out of my awareness. I often imagined that I was a heartbeat away from death, and actually came to be okay with that. It reminded me how valuable my time is, and the importance of making the best use of it.

I was a very reactive kid, and because of that, I attracted a lot of torment from classmates. That encouraged me to be a loner. I spent a lot of time alone in the woods. When we lived away from the woods, I’d wander for miles. I did manage to make a couple of friends, but didn’t live in one place long enough for those friendships to be sustainable. I didn’t have a lot of experience with high school, because I dropped out in the ninth grade, at the age of 15.

Anyway, “chemical imbalance” is to be expected. Changes in brain development also happen. Regarding brain changes, I think I beat the odds, at least in my ability to analyze things. Actually the term chemical imbalance relates more to neurotransmitter deficiencies. I’ve been on Wellbutrin for about 25 years. Before that, for a few years it was Zoloft. I think if I had to, I could wean myself off the Wellbutrin, but things are going well enough that I don’t want to mess with it.

I suppose, if you were to place all the people that by your criteria should be killed, end to end, the line would probably go to the moon and back. If there was an uprising, and a massive civil war, and new idealistic leaders were put in place, it would buy a bit of time, but eventually, things would devolve to something resembling the current status quo. The thing that needs to be “fixed” is human nature, perhaps not everyone’s nature, but a staggering number of us. If you spent your entire life trying to punish bad people, even if you never stop to take a pee, you would reach only a tiny percentage of them. Then I have to wonder, is it fair that some people are punished and others are not? Actually, that is the situation right now. 2.3 million people are in prison, but many others who need to be there are not.

A written “rant” is a far better way to get something off your chest, than to go postal and start shooting from a belltower.

If you find a wounded person on the side of the road, should you help that person, or chase the bad guy? In my situation, helping the wounded, often literally took all of my time, and it still does.

Sometimes I wonder, whether in observer benefits more from a good example, or one that demonstrates what not to do. Which reminds me, have you heard of the Darwin awards? You can keyword that into YouTube, and see lots of weird and funny stuff, but the premise is that these individuals are removing themselves from the gene pool by doing stupid things.

As far as your position in life, things can change, even unexpectedly in ways that are favorable to you. Also, very often those with the most power aren’t the ones who think they are in charge. A secretary can make or break a CEO. A CNA, the person on the lowest rung at a facility, can bring that operation crashing down. They are also the ones who are most effective at making a facility shine.

The hardest working people are paid the least, yet without them, the employer is ruined. 50 years ago, unions helped make things better for the workers. They also had more security, and could count on a pension. I think we need unions to gain strength again.

It’s time to say good night. I’ll talk to you later.

[cmscalvert]

I’m sorry you had to go through so much, both physically and emotionally growing up. I can’t imagine experiencing the things you’ve endured. I’ve known people who have. I’ve got 2 friends who have MS, one diagnosed later in life, and one diagnosed in her teens that drinks to numb the pain because the meds she’s on don’t help the pain, and the good dr. she was seeing retired. His replacement isn’t great, and she’s stuck in a bad part of florida. Worst physical problems I had was being born with a birth defect in my hip that screwed up how I walked, and later came back with a pain when I was 8 that made me walk on crutches for a week. Antibiotics cleared it up since they called it a “cold in your hip”. I was a premie, with lower birth weight and an enormous head. They thought I was hydro-cephalic, but I wasn’t. A car accident when I was 2 left a permanent ridge in the top of my head. If I shaved my head i’d look like a peanut.
Now that I’ve lived through all the stress, I get pains in my abdomen that have no earthly explanation, but it feels like an organ is dying. Any time I go to a Dr. to get an ultrasound or CT scan, they don’t see anything wrong. I’ve done that 3-4 times in the last 10 years. I get so overwhelmed my body starts falling apart. if it isn’t the abdomen pain, it’s a tension headache or migraine, it could be an arrhythmia or palpitations from anxiety, and if it isn’t that it could be a restrictive prostate issue, or other troubles in the bathroom. Stress is eating me alive. Today I was stressed out and the abdomen pain returned because I was trying to work, and at the same time dealing with a temperamental girlfriend who was dealing with a possible case of identity theft involving an overseas online retailer. I’m still in pain right now.
I’ve been a heartbeat away from death when depression was shutting down my body. It’s scary as hell. I’ll always be scared of dying, because I feel like I have unfinished business in my life, and didn’t get to do or be what I wanted to. I can’t make good use of my time because there’s always so much to do and not enough time to do it. I’m always worried I’m missing something, and then as I feel in pain, and stressed, I’m not getting enough sleep or have nightmares or weird dreams that leave me exhausted. I’m responsible for myself and my sweetie. For my people and my communities on twitter and twitch, my friends who are scattered to the corners of this country, dealing with problems I can’t help them with. It hurts not being able to save the people I care about.
I was on prozac, welbutrin, celexa, and cirroquil (and maybe one more) at some point in my late teens. They switched me to just welbutrin eventually and I was on that until my late 20’s. I weened myself off of that, because I didnt want to have to take pills anymore to tell me how to feel. The shit I went through my entire life has likely fucked up my neurotransmitter levels, but that doesn’t mean my feelings aren’t my own. My dad says I overreact to everything, but I’ve been like that, feeling overwhelmed and angry since I was in elementary school, hell, even all the way back to 2nd grade. This isn’t something that JUST grew overtime, it’s part of me.
It’s entirely possible that eliminating the evil people that are currently in charge could re-create the problem, but at the same time, we won’t know for sure if that won’t help at least in the short term. Right now, all I see is people preventing progress and killing people for their own ends. How the hell is that supposed to be stopped if the legal routes aren’t working? History can repeat itself but it often takes a while to do so. The pandemic took 100 years, but it’s back. Civil war is 155 years out, but it might happen again if the bad guys decide that their bigotry, racism, nationalism, and “freedom” are more important than the well being of our nation as a whole. I’ve got family and friends in the south, but at the same time, I still think “fuck the south”, and especially texas and florida. If I had the power to punish the wicked properly, and free the truly innocent, I would hire a team to help me. I wouldn’t be doing that alone. Of the millions of people in jail right now, there’s a large portion of that who are non-violent drug offenders. All of those guys need to be released. The POC who were unjustly arrested in jail for being different in the wrong neighborhood at the wrong time, and “fitting the description”, need to be released instead of serving life sentences. The entire law enforcement system needs to be eradicated and overhauled so we don’t hire goons, sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths, powetripping assholes, racists and gun-nuts to do the job. We need people who want to truly help their community and REALLY serve and protect, rather than just swagger around with a gun thinking it’s their dick and they can point it at anyone without consequence. Some of those assholes are the ones who need to be in prison right now, for killing suspects instead of arresting them, or beating them until they become handicapped or in a coma, and other shows of excessive force. That’s not just in USA, it’s everywhere. Assholes are calling the shots. We are standing up for ourselves, but we’re not fighting back hard enough. Once this pandemic is over, people need to take to the streets, en-masse, and take down the system.
Human nature is a fucked up thing. Some R/Q assholes are always talking about survival of the fittest, and only the strong surviving, yet they are the weak ones in terms of ethics and character. They have no empathy for their fellow humans, or people they feel “less than” themselves. I had a friend like that. I don’t talk to that asshole anymore. Those are the people who should be eliminated. These are the people who tormented me my entire life and they need to get what’s coming to them. I want to see Karma destroy them.
As far as your question about helping the wounded or getting their attacker, earlier in life I would have said both. I’d have enough energy to get the asshole, and still help the person who was attacked. Nowadays, I’d probly throw a rock at the asshole who’s getting away, and still help the person who was hurt.
In my life I have seen those around me as examples of what I don’t want to do or be. Several of my friends have accidental families. I wouldn’t want that. Some of my friends have ruined their lives with drugs and alcohol. I didn’t want that. Some of my friends had joined the military and come out super fucked up with PTSD and injuries. I would never want that for myself or anyone else. They had no other option in life when they enlisted. It was either that or be homeless. Bad examples have steered me clear of danger. I’ve also seen good examples of what I’d want to be and do, but then think I’d never be able to do that, because it takes years and decades of work to get to that level, and I don’t know where to start, or have the time to put in the effort to get there, so I’m just stuck running around in circles, trying to figure myself out and getting nowhere. Yes I was introduced to the darwin awards and pain olympics by that asshole ex-friend, so I’m well aware of them.
As far as the little guy potentially taking down the big guy from within, you have to be sure you have indisputable evidence to take them down. As they say “if you’re taking aim at the king, you best not miss”. I know someone in a position like that who is the low-man on the totem pole, a model employee, that could potentially take down the company they work for, but that would also put tons of people out of jobs while they restructure the division that this person is in, and may force this person to take on responsibilities they don’t want to have. They’re still tolerating their job, and meditating and working out after work, despite having to cover for other people who always call out because they have kids they can’t take care of.
I did my part to take down a general at my company. I don’t ever want to have to do that again unless It’s someone really important that needs to be dethroned for the right reasons. My girlfriend is lucky to be part of a union for now, despite the fact she tolerates her job. Unions need to make a comeback, but they need to be less corrupted.

Thanks again for responding. Goodnight.

[Wings]

It really does seem like we are trying to replicate the Jim Crow era. That and McCarthyism. I have just come away from a discussion about Sweden. I was talking to what I take to be a diehard conservative, who was trying to convince people that their tax rate was unreasonable, and no one was really happy there. She actually provided a litany of taxes which totaled 116% of a person’s income. I can’t believe anyone gets away with publishing crap like that, nor can I believe that anyone believes it. Yet I am incredulous regarding what so many people in this country believe.

I posted data from several websites, and included the links, so anyone could check my sources. I came to find out that in Sweden, a family of four can live very comfortably on a single income. Therefore, if more than one person is working, it’s because they want to, not because they have to. In addition, they have universal healthcare and free education up to a PhD level. I went on to mention that monkeys copy behaviors that help them survive, Yet our nation’s leadership doesn’t have sense enough to do the same thing.

It is true, getting justice for one situation can lead to a cascade of injustices to follow. That’s why I am very careful about which battles I choose.

It sounds like you have irritable bowel syndrome, which is definitely a stress response. I used to have it frequently, but not so much anymore.

So, you’re okay taking antibiotics, but not okay with antianxiety meds. Anxiety compromises the immune system, often resulting in the need for antibiotics. Antibiotics deplete the beneficial bacteria in the G.I. tract. That in turn reduces the body’s ability to absorb nutrition. If you aren’t getting decent nutrition, you will feel like crap, and lose confidence. That in turn will further affect your G.I. tract. It might be worth considering whether it’s preferable to address the anxiety, or deal with the consequences of unresolved anxiety. It may involve medication, at least to begin with.

Multitasking is a myth. People can only focus on one thing at a time. They can shift focus frequently, and tell themselves they are multitasking, but that’s not really what’s happening. My impression is that you keep your plate heaped with a lot of issues all at once, which I suspect triggers a compulsion to multitask, which, as I mentioned, is not possible to do. This relates back to when I suggested that you bracket your time in small increments in which you focus on just one thing at a time, or maybe even resolve to engage in guilt free mind wandering for a while.

I’m trying to talk you out of overwhelming yourself by keeping these troubling issues at the forefront of your mind.

Lately I’ve been getting sleepy much earlier than usual, and I think I have reached the point of crashing. I’ll check back with you later

[cmscalvert]

I have friends whose family is FROM Sweden, so I can vouch for those facts based on 2nd hand info from a family of fishermen and educators.
As far as the nation, yeah, the south wants Jim Crow 2.0, and McCarthism is now Trumpism.
The so called “leadership” in those regards take queues from the lowest life forms, Viruses. They infect people, assimilate, divide and conquer. We as humans with common sense and open/scientific minds have to learn how to combat them. So far I don’t know of any cure for trumpism, since even logic is useless in the face of a staunch supporter of the Q-tribe. I wish we could wipe them all out and start over, but even being vaccinated against covid won’t help, since alot of them seem to survive.
I’ve been told by family that I may have IBS, due to anxiety among other things. They’ve been trying to MAKE ME take medication since I was 16 and I hate that about them. In my lifetime there have been too many undesirable side effects from taking any medications for mental health. The fact that I was FORCED to be on them in the first place infuriates me. If it works for some, good for them. I hope they’re happy. Me, not so much. I need an alternative I can get behind. I need to be in control of my own mind. Yes, I’ve had antibiotics off and on over the years for various infections but always recover.
In talking with my family over the past week, I’ve been trying to sort out my past, but recently got stuck on an issue that my sister brought to my attention. She said that I was responsible for several bad things against her when I was in my teens, including chasing her with scissors. Something I don’t even remember. She said I was a rage monster back then, and because of genetics, I was predisposed to that part of mental illness (through both grandfathers), and also going through hormonal rage because I was a teen. She made me feel bad for what I had done. I apologized for scaring or hurting her back then. In our 20’s we took care of each other as needed since we both lived in North and Central NJ at the time. I would never want to truly harm her since she took care of me when I needed it. I just feel upset because it seems like she still considers me a monster because I won’t take meds to calm my anger. Also, as you saw, because of my angry rants, I’m at the Stephen King levels of sadistic creativity when it comes to what I wish I could do to these evil politicians. She hates that about me too. I’m not sure how to go about appeasing her without turning my life upside-down.
I do have the illusion of multitasking down at work. I have to because we are shorthanded constantly, and overwhelmed half the time, so I have to end up doing half the work, while my teammates do the other half, and stuff that’s not even technically something our department should be working on but they have to because that other department is under-staffed.
I wish I could do the same with stuff I WANT to do, like content creation and music, but focusing on that while contemplating what other responsibilities still need done, or that I’m avoiding, still need to be dealt with. I managed to do some editing for a youtube highlight real of a recent stream I did a few weeks back. I’ll be working on that and 2 more to post online, if all goes well. I’m not able to truly focus on creating new content like the rest of my friends do, and some of them are also good parents. In addition to work and my normal responsibilities, I’m also keeping an eye on twitter, and supporting other community friends, which at times can be exhausting, but can also be crucial for someone in the right circumstances. I don’t want to be overwhelmed, but I don’t want to fall behind either. Living in the world that we do, I have a hard time keeping up which is expected in today’s age, especially when you’re trying to make a name for yourself online OUTSIDE of your day job. My day job doesn’t give me enough energy left to be able to still do stuff after work and dinner. At the same time, I’m not in a position to leap into another career, and I wouldn’t even know what I’d want to do aside from something that is impossible to get into unless you’ve been working on it for a decade and have tons of contacts, in the industry, which I do not. I feel doomed sometimes, which is why I’ve posted about my suicidal feelings and hopelessness before. I hope that my therapist can help me on Thursday. I just feel lost.
I’m sorry that you’ve been so sleepy. I apologize if I’ve had anything to do with that. I appreciate your responses. I’m still trying to get everything straight, but it’s alot harder than it should be for me.

Thanks again.

[Wings]

I think getting sleepy sooner then I used to is just a function of age. I might also be feeling a little bit deflated because I have an upcoming surgery to remove a skin cancer, and I’m not sure what to expect afterwards.

It probably did your sister some good just to tell you about things that have bothered her. Sometimes people just need to be heard and understood. I was never forced to take medication, and for the most part, have not had problems with side effects. A neurologist prescribed Klonopin for me, and that made me feel low and halfway immobilized. The other thing is gabapentin, which I need in order to manage the neuropathy in my feet well enough that I can sleep. I can only take 1/2 dose of it because a full dose makes me woozy all day. I’ve never had a problem with antidepressants though.

I was extremely passive as a kid, but if my temper did get going, I went pretty nuts, and could beat kids up there were larger and older than me.

Once upon a time, I worked as security in a steel mill. I was not promoted even though I deserve to be, because there was no one to fill my position. That was the kind of job where new employees would show up for work, then go to lunch and never return. I managed to hang in there for five years. Maybe I’ll tell you more about it one of these days.

I spent a lot of years not doing what I wanted to, and still haven’t explored many things that I wished that I could pursue. Still, I think I’m okay were I am at.

I’ll check back with you later.

[cmscalvert]

Best of luck in your future surgery. Both my parents have had skin surgeries. It’s no big deal really. Takes time to heal but is ultimately best long term. Good thing they caught it early enough.
The reason my sister called to tell me about these things wasn’t to harsh on me, but to tell me her side of the story. Still hurts knowing what I did and how she saw me, and may still see me, as a monster of sorts.
As far as the meds go, I know that excedrine migraine does weird things to me sometimes, and sumatriptin for the heavier migraines can make me feel sick or fatigued for an hour before relief kicks in. Sorry your meds would make you woozy or immobilized, but glad you’ve got a handle on it. Some people take to mental meds in different ways. I see it as a punishment sentence. “you’re too crazy to be considered normal, so you must be on mood stablizers for the rest of your life”. I have neither the time, the patience, nor the mind to “try” new meds and wait out the side effects while still trying to work and live my life. This frustrates my family, but I still need to find better ways that aren’t meds, to deal with my problems. I haven’t been to a neuro or any other head doctor since I was 16 or 18. When I was 15 my parents took me to a hospital to try to analyze my brain activity. I didn’t know what they were looking for, but at least I knew I wasn’t a schizo after that. I know people with those problems. It was painful for them, sometimes still is.
I wish I was able to beat up sizeable kids when I was younger. I didn’t have much strength as a spindly geek. Good on you for being able to fight back. My dad said to never start fights, only finish them as needed. That’s what I always tried to do. I did fight someone double my size once, and he threw me into a water fountain. Turns out after we talked, I had the wrong target that day, but he didn’t see who hit me first. That was 11th grade.
My dad and grandfathers both worked at standard steel near Reedsville, PA for some time. My grandpa on my mom’s side the longest, so he had lighters, pens, knives and other logo memorabilia before he retired.
I’m glad that you’re mostly content in your life. I wish I could get to that point, but I’m not there yet. I feel like there’s something much bigger I should be doing, but not sure what that is yet. I also feel like I’m too old to chase after certain dreams because I’m not young enough to really work for something like that and giving up everything else I worked for.
I just don’t have the energy. I have therapy on Thursday, so we’ll see how that goes.

Thanks again for replying.