Can't let go of the past

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Hi, I’m new here. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

I guess I am just writing to get this off of my chest so it may be a bit long and there may be triggers ahead (sexual abuse and alcohol addiction). I’m not sure what I want exactly but I just know that my heart and mind are not well. I’m tired of feeling this way so…New Year, new me? I hope…

A bit about me - I’m almost 30, married for 5 years, happily childfree but stuck in a loop…

It has been 11 years since I ended a very unhealthy relationship but I am still dealing with the trauma. From the age of 14-19, I was with an older guy. I knew there was something dark about him when we first met, but I had no idea. The beginning of the relationship was fine, normal. except for his black bedroom that had weapons and writing all over the walls… Should have been a red flag, but stupid me thought he was just edgy… But other than that, everything seemed normal. When sex was introduced, that’s when things took a very dark turn. Long story short, I was sexually abused by him for years. I don’t want to get into too many details about that. But he also would emotionally or mentally abuse me as well. He would literally ignore me, ignore my entire presence, unless he wanted sex. Then he would do whatever and go right back to ignoring me. But the sick part of it all, is that I stayed and willingly let all of that shit happen to me over and over again, no matter how bad it got. It was like some messed up part of my brain turned that abuse and the violent acts into attention… Attention that I wanted. And no, I didn’t enjoy it, but I still allowed myself to stay in that situation and keep letting him do those things to me. I will never understand it… I’m so stupid. And now because of that, I am basically damaged. Even more stupid was the fact that I kept all of this a huge secret from my friends and family, so they all thought we had this perfect relationship. So we moved out of state and got an apartment together. (Because that fixes things, right? Wrong.) Things got really rough after that…

But after about a year of living together, he soon lost in interest in me entirely. But yet, he still wanted me all to himself, which I don’t really understand. The only thing that I can think of is that I wasn’t afraid enough of him anymore, and maybe that was his whole thrill. The pain and the fear? I don’t know.

Anyway… so I just worked days, he worked nights, and we never saw each other. When we did see each other, he still ignored me, except for when he would insult me and pick out all of my insecurities. Call me fat, make fun of my looks, my makeup, my hair, my outfits. He wanted me to look a certain way and dye my hair a certain color and that just wasn’t me, even though I did everything he asked just so I might look attractive for him. Those remarks are imbedded in my brain now, and I no longer can believe otherwise and for awhile there I had developed an eating disorder. This went on for awhile, and I kept waiting for him to “want” me again, even if the attention that he did give me during all of that was agonizing and horrible… But still, my fucked up brain wanted the attention.

I was so lonely, in a state away from my friends and family, locked away with this person that I lived with, but it was like living with a ghost. Never have I ever felt such loneliness and sadness. I remember staying up late, thinking and obsessing over our relationship… ‘What went wrong? What could I do to make myself prettier, or skinnier? What can I do to make him want me again?’ It was like I was mourning this great relationship, when in actuality it was the worst kind of relationship to be in. So why did I want to rekindle it so badly? And the only thing I can think is that it was the only kind of “love” I had ever known even if it wasn’t love at all.

I finally ended things, after eventually realizing that this was not normal, not healthy. and that I had been abused sexually and mentally/emotionally for years; Years that I could never get back… One night while he was away at work, I moved my stuff out of the apartment and I had secretly leased a separate apartment in the same complex. So I moved all of my stuff out and disappeared. I didn’t even have a car or much furniture at all. He had no choice but to move back home. And looking back, that was a shit way to handle it. But at the time, it was my only option. I haven’t spoken to or seen him ever again. But my family still keeps in contact with him. He is apparently a cop now and somehow, in some sick way, we now share the same wedding anniversaries… Same day, same year. So its like the whole day is tainted for me now. He probably doesn’t even think about me anymore, but I fear for the wellbeing of whoever he decided to marry.

I feel so stupid and naive looking back on that relationship… I realize now that the trauma I experienced with him has really affected me in a negative way longterm. When I met my husband, for a full year there was never a time that I didn’t cry during and after, and I felt so bad for that… But the flashbacks of abuse were always present in my mind, and even if my husband would get a little bit rough, I would freak out and we would have to stop. But he was so supportive through it all… I told him a bit about what happened to me back then, but there are a lot of things that I can’t even bring myself to tell him - I don’t think he would ever look at me the same way again. If I told him all of the details and explain why certain objects or words trigger me, I worry that he may look at me like I’m damaged, or that it would ruin our sex life even further. But keeping silent and pretending like I’m fine is an exhausting facade to try to keep up. Inside I’m a boiling pot of turmoil, self loathing, and regret… I just want the memories and negative thoughts to go away forever.

After 11 years, I am still reliving the past almost daily. Its worse as night, and my husband works nights too now so I’m always alone with my thoughts. So to cope, I’ve turned to alcohol to try to shut myself down, numb my mind so I don’t get so worked up - drinking to forget. It has turned into an addiction and it’s one that I’m not sure I can give up. It is the only thing that has helped relax me, helped get rid of those awful memories and help me feel like my old carefree self again. The way I was before… My husband doesn’t like that I drink so much and so often, but I can’t figure out another way to cope, especially when I feel like he isn’t “here” for me at night when it’s the worst and when I wake up in a sweat from the nightmares. Whenever I drink, I never have nightmares, and I just sleep soundly through the night. But lately I’ve noticed that I can’t talk much - its too exhausting. I’m never fully present anymore and its hard for me to hold a conversation. It’s hard for me to open up about anything. I’m so closed off now, even towards my husband and I’m not sure if its effects from my alcohol abuse or from my overall mental state. It’s like my whole life is one big secret. I can’t open up, or let anyone in, because I can’t talk about what happened to me to anyone in my life. My family doesn’t know, my friends don’t know, and my husband knows very little. And no knows that I am an alcoholic now all because of my past. Sometimes I think that maybe I’m just too weak, and that’s the reason that I can’t cope. I’m not strong enough to overcome this and leave it in the past where it belongs. I’m just weak.

I don’t know what to do. I honestly can’t afford therapy, so I usually type it all out when I get worked up and then delete it. But sometimes that helps and sometimes it makes it more real when I recount the details of what happened. All I know is that I’m messed up and I need something to help me cope in a healthy manner and I hope maybe I can cope through here instead. My past is affecting my future and if I don’t get a handle on this, I think my marriage may be at stake.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. If anyone has any advice, I’m willing to try anything to make myself forget.

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Hi Hiraeth,

I’m so sorry to hear about your past relationship. It is not fair what happened to you. I think the silver lining though, is that you WERE strong enough to remove yourself from that relationship. Im proud of you.

Ya know? They say once you hit rock bottom, that’s when things will change. I don’t know if this is your rock bottom, but I do know that anything is possible. I also know that you are strong, a survivor, and you can do anything you want to do.

As for me, if you’re interested, I’m 31, married for 7.5 years and am currently without children after having a miscarriage during my first pregnancy.

As I said before, I am sorry you went through what you went through. These things definitely have a way of sticking with us, especially if you don’t have access to therapy. I also experienced abuse, though not from a boyfriend, for me it was my parents. While I can never know exactly what you went through, I can relate and I hear you. You are not alone. Im so glad you are no longer in that relationship.

I understand how it can feel like its your fault that this happened. Unfortunately that mindset is pretty common in abuse victims. All the things you describe about him are definitely textbook abusive behavior, and the thing about abusive relationships is that it becomes incredibly difficult for the abused to leave. Oftentimes it is because of what you experienced - a feeling of being at fault, and/or feelings of shame.

You are not to blame for what he did to you. Not in the least bit. You did what you felt you needed to do in your circumstances and that is enough. This was not your fault. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way. You matter. Even if you don’t believe it.

Good for you. To be fair, it wasn’t a shit way to deal with it. You were heavily abused. It sounds to me like you went about your leave as safely as you possibly could have. You did good. Not to mention, you didn’t owe him anything. Everything that happened was his fault, not yours. If anything he owes YOU. At the very least he owes you and apology. At best he should be arrested in my opinion. And honestly, it doesn’t surprise me that he’s a cop because a job like that gives the sense of power and thats exactly what this guy wants. Anyway.

This is awesome, it sounds like your husband is a great guy who cares about your well-being.

Why is that?

I know it can be easy to assume the worst like this after being abused for so long, but the fact that you’re 5 years into your marriage and your husband continues to support you through these vulnerable times is a good sign. I wouldn’t be surprised if he does the opposite, whereby he continues to support you without looking at you any differently. I had a similar situation to this where I didn’t want to tell my husband something because I was ashamed and I just knew in my bones that he wouldn’t want to be with me anymore. After I told him, nothing changed in our relationship. He still wanted to be with me, he didn’t make me feel bad or less than. And that is how good partners will treat you. I think you might be doing yourself and your husband a favor by opening up to him. It could be the release you need to start healing and you might find that you have a far sturdier support than you initially thought. I think it will be ok. He loves you for you, not for your past, and we all have things that we would change or things we’re not proud of. Its part of being human. And believe it or not, there are good men out there who understand this and will support you anyway.

I’m not a doctor but it seems to be like you are suffering from PTSD. Triggers are a big part of this, as well as reliving those events regularly.

I can understand why you wouldn’t want to remember these things. Pain is unpleasant. We instinctively want to avoid it.

Unfortunately for those of use who have experienced trauma, it is necessary to face the pain in order to get better. Its almost like a wound that has healed poorly and is infected. Just because that wound is covered, it is still there festering, making you sick. And so when we confront these things, it hurts, because we are ripping open that infected wound. But - once the wound is open, we can remove the infection. We can examine those feelings and acknowledge that they exist, they they are justified, and realize that its ok to hurt, and most importantly that it is possible to really heal and for that pain to go away. It just takes time. And then after you’ve cleaned the infection, after you’ve faced your past, that wound can finally heal cleanly, and while to scar will still be there, it won’t hurt anywhere near as bad, and it won’t be making you sick.

I’m sorry for the long anecdote.

Honestly I can’t say that I blame him. I honestly feel like you should just open up to him about how badly your hurting. I don’t think he’s done anything that would lead you to believe he would be anything but understanding and supportive. Have you asked him to maybe look for a job with a different shift because nights are difficult for you? Is he aware that it bothers you to the extent that it does? He can only change things that he knows about.

Nah, thats not the case. You’ve gone for so long holding yourself together. You pulled yourself 9ut of that abusive relationship. You don’t give yourself enough credit. You are a strong person, you just don’t realize it yet.

I’m sorry you can’t afford therapy. Are you employed? If not, there are places that charge based on income.

It is awesome that you’ve reached out here because that means you want help, and wanting help is the first step to receiving help. I think all things are possible if you want them bad enough. Until you can receive therapy, which I wholeheartedly believe would do wonders for you, please continue to reach out. You still have fight left in you and you have the strength to overcome this. And please, please open up to your husband. I think that he is an untapped source of support in your life, and whats more, it would probably make him feel better because he can finally help his woman who he has seen break apart over the years.

I’m proud of you for reaching out and getting yourself this far. You are strong, and you matter. You can do this, friend.

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Hey @Hiraeth, first of all welcome to the Heart Support community! I hope that you feel heard and loved.

Wow, thank you so much for being here and sharing. That must have taken an incredible amount of strength to write and post. You say that you are weak, but I think you are incredibly brave and strong. I am so sorry to hear about what you have gone through and are currently going through. You did not deserve that.

I have not gone through exactly what you have gone through, so I am probably not the best person to give advice, but just wanted to let you know that I read your post and that I hear you. My heart breaks for you.

Not sure if you are into metal music at all, but Silent Planet has a song called Shark Week (B Side) (weird name I know haha) that has some great lyrics that have helped me with my trauma and overcoming it:

“I’m not the wounds you gave me. I’m the light that flows inside - enduring as the ocean, resilient as the tide. I won’t drown inside your damage. I won’t sink into your shame. I’ll build a home for hope from the wreckage in your wake.”

I believe that you are so strong and I am so proud of you. You are not alone and this community is here to support you.

Please feel free to reach out to me directly if you ever need someone to talk to more!

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Hi Sapphire,
Thank you so very much for your kindness and encouragement. I have read your words over and over again, trying to get it to sink into this thick skull of mine. I know now that I need to feel whatever bubbles up to the surface, rather than try to drown it with alcohol… It is such a daunting task and I am legit terrified of facing it all but this is something that needs to happen, because I can’t feel like this forever.

I’m giving you a fair warning that this reply is really long and I’ve kind of skipped around because my thoughts are jumbled this morning, so I apologize in advance. But I do truly appreciate you reaching out to help me.

This very well may be my rock bottom - I’m not sure I have ever felt this low, and with the added risk of losing the one good thing to have ever happened to me I’ve got to make a change now. Its now or never. I haven’t yet, but I am going to try to open up to my husband - as soon as I get the courage and the strength.

I was an emotional wreck yesterday after spilling my heart out on here but I didn’t pour myself a drink like I usually do, so I guess that is a step in the right direction. The bad news is I didn’t communicate at all, and instead went to sleep around 4pm and I am just now waking up at 9:30am. Unfortunately since I didn’t drink, I was plagued with nightmares and had a long but somewhat unrestful night. I’m not sure how to get that stop. I always read about those with depression; sleep is their escape, but for me that doesn’t seem to be the case.

This is a very difficult question for me to answer for some reason. I’ve thought about it over and over but can’t figure out how to put it into words. Why can’t I tell him? There’s a part of me that thinks that if I bring it all back up after all of these years of not talking about it, and hiding my emotions, and drowning my anxieties with alcohol, I think that maybe he will be upset that I’ve just been… living a lie so to speak or shutting him out for the past few years, or something? It’s hard to explain. I’ve just been pretending like everything is ok and honestly I don’t know if he notices when I’m fading away into a flashback these days. I don’t know if he notices when I get really quiet and uncomfortable whenever I see something that brings me back to those memories. We aren’t the best at communicating when it comes to serious things so it’s difficult. Maybe he really does notice and just doesn’t say anything? Or… maybe he knows now that if he does ask what’s wrong, he knows I won’t tell him so… So it’s kind of like a ‘what’s the point’ kind of thing now? It’s sad to admit that our communication in our marriage is not great, but it is mostly my fault for halting communication about serious topics, especially when it comes to my mental state. I do WANT to tell him my triggers but if I do, I will either have to tell him why those things trigger me or he will just assume. I just don’t want him to look at me any different, and since he will then know my triggers, what if he then starts to think about those awful things when he looks at something or hears a certain word just like I do now. I don’t know. Does this make any sense?

We have had this conversation multiple times over the years but he refuses for some reason. He just claims that he’s a night owl and always has been and he doesn’t want to switch shifts. To me, that makes me extremely upset - like he doesn’t care that I need him through the night. I really think having him there with me would help me greatly, and I’ve told him that I have the worst anxiety at night but he still won’t switch shifts to be there for me. It makes me wonder about him… I don’t understand why he won’t switch to days - even though there have been plenty of opportunities throughout the years. But he won’t and it’s like beating a dead horse. That whole thing really stings.

I’ve read a little about PTSD and it hits the nail on the head for me. I found a few subreddits for those dealing with PTSD and C-PTSD so see if being there in those subreddits with others like me will help me at all but I’m too afraid to post so I’m not allowing myself to get help from there. I do try to use the grounding technique whenever I have anxiety attacks or flashbacks and it seems to work well.

That is exactly what I thought when I heard he had joined the police academy. It made me cringe and it scares me to know that he is out there patrolling the streets in my home town. With COVID this year, I haven’t had to travel back home to visit family for the holidays like I used to but in previous years when I would, I would be physically ill on the drive down. Anxiety x1000. So scared that he would be the one to pull us over and I’d be face to face with him again.

I am employed - I have a really good job that I’m very good at, and I’m lucky enough to be able to work from home now so that is great. I used to have severe anxiety at the office so removing myself from that situation has improved my moods greatly. I just don’t deal well with people face to face I guess. I’ve looked into therapy in my area and it all seems so expensive for us. We make decent money but just enough to get us by and then a little extra. I think couples therapy would be good for us, but I don’t believe my husband is open to the idea. I’m also very afraid of therapy for some reason lol… It sounds stupid but it makes me feel like the therapist would judge me and my situation, and dismiss me. Which I know sounds crazy and is probably untrue. Theres always that thought in the back of my mind that I would spend so much money on these sessions and what if it doesn’t help me? Or what if I’m too far gone and refuse to open myself up to receive the help? Its scary to feel that hopelessness. I sometimes feel like I don’t have the faith in myself to help myself.

Anyway, sorry for such a long reply, but I truly did not expect to get such a wonderful, encouraging, well thought out reply on here. I thought maybe I would scream into the void and hope to feel better lol. So thank you. This is helping me move in the right direction. Already, just getting all of this off my chest has made me feel a little lighter and I can only hope that it just gets better from here.

Thank you again, friend.

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Hi bbrandon3,
Thank you for welcoming me into the community. I have had such a great experience with the community already. There are such kind and helpful people here.
I wanted to let you know that those lyrics from Shark Week hit so close to home and really helped build me up this morning. Thank you so much for sharing them.
After writing all of that out yesterday, I had a rough day and wallowed pretty much until I went to sleep, which was way too early in the afternoon… But waking up to your kind words and those lyrics helped get me up and out of bed this morning so thank you! I am a bit of a metal fan so that song has definitely been added to my playlist. :slight_smile: I’ll be sure to listen to this anytime I get into a slump - its sure to bring me out of it!
Thank you for reaching out to help me, and thanks for being you!

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Any time, friend. You are worth it.

It really is. I have been in therapy at least half of my life. For a long time I was like so many others with depression. I forced myself to stop feeling, for multiple reasons. My emotions weren’t validated when I lived with my parents and it didn’t matter how I felt. And what I did feel was all negative so I figured, Whats the point?

It got to the point where I would routinely be compared to Dr Spock from Star Trek because I outwardly appeared so cold and emotionless. And really they couldn’t have been more right, because like so many abused people I was well trained in the art of making it look like everything was fine. Funny thing about Spock and Vulcans, they actually feel emotion more intensely than humans. This would become so true for me as my abuse led to hypervigilence and hyper empathy. But I digress. Enough of the nerd talk from me lol.

I think I started my longhaul journey out of my depression in 2008. So, 12 years ago I really buckled down. It takes time and it can be grueling but it is worth it in the long run. And boy oh boy. Learning to do emotions again… thats a trip.

No problem. I can be wordy too. And I had 2 hours sleep last night so I feel you. No worries.

I was so happy to read this! Small victories are still victories and every journey starts with a single step. You’re doing great.

So, 2 things.

I, too, went through a time when I was plagued with nightmares. The thing is, nightmares can be very informative as to what is bothering you on a subconscious level. In your case, it could be any combination of 2 things. PTSD can cause them, in which case you may need therapy before these go away. If they are ‘average’ nightmares (I don’t feel like that is the right word, but as to say, random events in your dreams which are unpleasant as opposed to something that directly correlates to your past traumas.) then you should look into them. I did some dream study years ago, so I know what a lot of the common elements mean, for example death, insects, bodily functions (yea really), teeth falling out, stuff like that. Those are all pretty common and don’t mean what you would think they mean.

Also, I understand how tempting it is to 'escape, but that can be a slippery slope because the goal is not to escape, the goal is to recover. We also don’t want to nurture depressive symptoms ideally.

Im sure he realizes something is up, he just may not know what. Im not sure how much you have told him, so couldn’t say for sure. I know if it was my husband, he would notice.

I know how this goes. I am terrible at verbally communicating when I experience intense emotion, but at the same time, we have compromised by deciding that whenever I am upset he is fine with me writing it down or texting because I kind of almost become mute and I just can’t put words together. Its just a weird thing we do to facilitate communication when I find it impossible to do so. Maybe you and your husband just need your own quirky system haha.

I can see where that fear would come from. At the same time, he didn’t experience those things and so I don’t imagine he would have the same responses to recounts of those events as you do from experiencing them.

Now this is interesting, in a bad sort of way.

Now, I don’t claim to be a relationship expert or anything but it seems to me that if your husband is aware that you are so miserable and yet he wouldn’t do something as simple as changing shifts in order to ease your pain… that just seems very selfish to me. My husband and I spent the 2nd and 3rd years of our marriage on opposite shifts after the 1st year was long distance. Recently he decided he wanted to find another job, and I’ve finally gotten one where I have a set schedule, days, with weekends off. Basically a dream for me. Anyways, he turned down better jobs because it would’ve meant that he would be on night shifts and I really don’t want to work opposite shifts again if we don’t have to. Everyone’s circumstances are different, but that just seems a little off to me.

Yes, I see where you’re coming from now. I think your feelings are definitely warranted.

I totally understand, I would probably question that as well. You two should be there for each other above all things and now it seems he may be slacking a bit.

All in good time, friend. Any step forward is a good step, even if it’s a baby step. As long as you’re heading in the right direction. Im glad to hear that grounding works for you. Its not so effective for me for whatever reason.

Yea, of course, rightfully so, I’d say.

I totally get this.

I was diagnosed with Social Phobia and Generalized Anxiety, along with OCPD and APD. My therapists thought it would be nothing short of a miracle if I could ever function in society, as bad as I was. I still can’t be around groups of people, repetitive and/or loud noises or anything like that. I also have bad performance anxiety. I also am lucky to be working from home doing a job I love and now the company is trying to decide if we will work from home permanently. Im hoping they let us choose, if nothing else.

Yea, I felt this way every time I would switch therapists. Its very scary and takes a lot of trust to open up to someone you don’t know. It becomes a pros vs cons thing. You need to get to a place where taking a leap of faith is worth getting better. In time you will get there.

Also, I can virtually guarantee you your therapist has heard crazier things, assuming you don’t get a new therapist. In my case, since I was using my work insurance, the place I went to required that I work with a licensed, experienced therapist. Maybe keep stuff like this in mind.

Dear friend, you are never too far gone as long as there is still fight in you. You just haven’t reached a point where you are comfortable enough to open up yet. When you’re ready, your journey to healing can begin, but don’t rush. Do it in your own time, otherwise you would just be adding unwarranted stress to your already stressful situation.

I’m so glad I could help. You’re very welcome.

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I totally understand this feeling - this sort of wall we put up to guard ourselves against those emotions, but in the end the numbness and inability to feel anything is far worse. And I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. I don’t know what you went through exactly but I just feel for you to not have supportive parents. I only have my mom and I was the one to shut her out but I couldn’t imagine it being the other way around. Despite all of the secrets I’ve kept from her, she was the one constant in my life through all of that. I’m just sorry that you were not able to experience that sort of support. I hope you’re ok. From the little bit that we’ve talked, it seems like you have a very level head on your shoulders! I’m proud of you and thankful for you for being here to help others when you yourself have had to dig yourself out of depression.

Sadly my nightmares are memories or flashbacks. Sometimes they will start out as normal dreams and then BAM his face is in my face. You know, it’s really aggravating that it’s been years and I still remember his face so damn clearly. So… I guess therapy is definitely going to be in my near future - I’m just going to have to suck it up, face my fears and dive in.

This really helped me change my mindset. This whole time I’ve been avoiding my feelings and emotions and memories when they arise. I instantly get scared, get anxious and try to drown them out with something. I don’t want to feel! And here I was trying to figure out a new escape rather than using alcohol, when I shouldn’t be doing that at all. I shouldn’t be replacing one bad habit with another just to get some relief because that’s not going to solve the problem.

THIS! I am so going to start writing/texting out my thoughts and feelings to communicate because I sure as hell can’t talk about it. I go mute too! And I just can’t figure out how to put the MILLIONS of things that are running through my mind into coherent sentences. I end up crying way too hard and then I can’t even speak. This is an excellent idea so thank you! I’m going to give this a try.

I totally agree… It is selfish behavior. And honestly it’s the one thing that I don’t know how to get around. I just can’t get through to him. I’ve come at him from every angle to try to make him see how him working night shifts affects us and our relationship but he just won’t change. Not only do I have the worst anxiety at night and would benefit from him being there with me, but our whole life is just upside down because of it. He works weekends and I don’t, so we can never plan to do things together on the weekends. He sleeps until around 3-4pm every day, so basically I’m home by myself with him sleeping in the other room, and then I get to see him for a few hours before he heads into work at 10:30pm. He does make sure that I’m snuggled into bed before he leaves and tucks me in but still! That doesn’t make up for all of the time that I’m alone. Anytime I wake up from a nightmare or whatever, he always tells me that I can text him (like, that’s how he is going to be “there” for me) but it never really helps in the long run, so I don’t text him when that happens.

So I guess, all in all, I just feel like I’m alone in this which is probably why I’ve stopped communicating and also why I haven’t talked to him about how I feel or whats bubbling up to the surface lately. It makes me feel so sad and alone, like I’m not worth it, or that he doesn’t want to be with me so he is trying to limit the time that we have to spend together? This may just be me being crazy but… Ugh I don’t know. Because what’s stupid is that the rest of our relationship is good. We get along, we joke around, he’s sweet and goes out of his way to do things for me, takes good care of me, but we don’t spend a lot of time together because of his schedule and it’s put a strain on our relationship because I’ve started to resent him for not being willing to change it.

This gives me so much hope and I’m extremely proud of you!

Thank you so much. You are so wonderful! I’m thankful that I have been able to pour my heart and soul out to such a kindhearted human being. Thank you for listening. You have given me much hope as I start this terrifying journey, and even though its only been a couple days, I feel a little better already. :slight_smile:

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