Can't seem to gain control

I truly don’t know where to start. I am a 43 year old obese woman who is stuck in life. I am always miserable and depressed. I lash out at people at a drop of a hat or curl up in a corner wishing my world would just end. I grew up being mentally and verbally abused by my mother. I married (but divorced) a man who kept me down and made sure I had no self esteem. I moved away from all that and feel like I am back into the same old pattern. I want to make people happy especially my new husband. Whenever he wants something, I make sure he gets it…even though we are financially struggling. And it makes it worse. I’m behind on everything and I can’t talk to him about it cuz when I have tried he tells me Im useless. I can’t leave him because I have no where to go and no family here that I can turn to. I always seem to find men that make my depression worse. I hide it from everyone. Make them think that everything is fine…but my head is full of anxiety and worry and thoughts of that I’m better off dead. I gave up on everything. I am on disability…i gave up on house work because why should I care. I gave up on taking care of myself cuz why should I care. Now we are behind on bills, need a tire for our vehicle, need an oil change on husbands motorcycle, our ac is out and its 90 degrees in here, we need stuff for the house and groceries and have NO money to do anything. Will things be better if I just disappeared or died? I think so, my husband would have his life back of partying and wouldn’t have a fat ugly miserable worthless bitch like me to deal with. The only people that I think would miss me is my best friend and her family but I know they will get over it just fine. I don’t know what to do or where to turn…I’m so lost and can’t even talk to my husband. So I thought I would turn to strangers with hopes of someone showing me the silver lining.
Thanks for reading my ramblings.

You are not a fat, ugly, miserable, worthless bitch. I don’t even know you, but I know you’re not that. You are definitely in the midst of a deep, dark hole that has a hold on you like none other, and for that, I am so sorry. No one should ever have to go through that. You are worth so much more than you know.

<3 Tara

Hi Didi. I am sorry to hear that you are dealing with so many things at once. That must be so difficult. Know that you have value and worth. Know that you are loved. That your worth and value aren’t dependent on what you do or don’t do, or anything else. But is determined by the fact that you were created with great intention and purpose by the God who created you. Maybe that’s not what you believe. But it’s true. :slight_smile:

Please just watch this TED talk, it might not solve your financial problems, but one thing is for sure: YOU can control how much you let the people around you treat you bad, YOU can make the decision to leave, YOU can choose you, instead of that awful husband of yours. It is never too late to do it. You need to start loving yourself for whatever it is that you are: and that is a person who in spite of all the abuse lived through. You are a strong, badass lady who should never let these men step on her. If your husband doesn’t learn to respect and listen to you, you should by all means let him go, go far far away as possible. Start anew, start again and again until you learn to choose yourself over the world. You can do it. You should never step on yourself for other people if you know they would never do the same for you. You are worth so much more than that. How do I know it? You had the power to reach out to us here and you are still alive. Fight for that. And most importantly, fight for yourself. Life can change in the matter of a blink of an eye, if you allow it. It can always change for the better. Please stay strong and feel free to write me if you need to talk.

All love!

Soda

1 Like

Hey @DiDi0914,

I’m so sorry to hear about your extremely difficult situation of battling with harmful thoughts. Everyone above me had beautiful responses and I especially loved @sodahead94’s reply with the TED Talk. You don’t deserve to be treated poorly; you deserved to be treated like the gem that you are. Your husband is speaking words of death over you and you need to combat that with words of life (truths). You will learn to believe whatever you tell yourself. According to your post, you believe that you are ugly, miserable and worthless - this is because either you and/or someone else told you this. This isn’t the truth, though, even though you’ve convinced yourself for it to be truth. You are valuable and you deserve SO much more. You’re strong. You got this!

-Eric