For the first time ever it was a struggle to start this post like I do every other, not because I didn’t mean it, or not because I don’t feel it, but I’m too broken to put anything into words, and know that maybe… it’ll be the last words you ever hear from me, and let me let them be good ones. You, yes you, the person reading this right now, you are loved, you are valued and you are important. Your life matters, and you have a life ahead of you that is in fact worth living for. You have made it through 100% of the bad days thus far, and I do deeply believe you will make it through 100% more. Remember forever this community is here, and they/we love you, and that you shouldn’t give up when times get tough because there’s always tomorrow.
As most of you guys already know, I’ve kinda disappeared from everything. Other then popping into stream for a few moments. But that’s the thing, I want you guys to remember the good memories. The memories when I hid my brokenness and it looked like I had my life together. When I could hide the scars, the tears, the addictions and the failures. But eventually I was vulnerable and broken and open, and well I won’t say I regret it, but while being at probably the lowest moment of my life, with no worth, no will to keep fighting, and finally being completely alone in my thoughts again… I regret it all.
Call this attention seeking, call this selfish, call this whatever you please, but please before you do at least hear me out and accept my apology by the end. I’ve been a part of this community for a year in about a month. And boy has it been a year, a year full of laughter, tears, good friendships, disagreements, hardships, and honesty. But unfortunately outside of this community, it’s really been a year of disaster, depression, suicidal thoughts and plans, abuse, abandonment, death, grief, addictions, and self harm.
I was finishing up my shift tonight at work, barely being able to focus because I had a million other things going on outside of work, when the guys continued to poke fun, and normally it wouldn’t bother me this much but tonight I was over it, I couldn’t handle it and I broke. I shoved the mop bucket across the floor, walked up to my bus and said “I don’t need this job, and I don’t deserve to put up with the way I’m being treated. If you wanna write me up go for it, but I’m leaving.” And I walked out. My first instinct was this is it. I walked away from my support group, probably getting fired from my job, everything is falling into place that this is literally the end.
I told them the realization I had, as I was laying in bed the other night, on the phone with someone from heart support trying to work through everything and I said this to my support group, “The moment that you three let me go, and stop loving me, will be the day I have the peace to end it all. Because I can only stop myself from ending it for so long based on the pain it would cause others.” And every day that becomes more of a reality, as I search for my will to live, and slowly see those around me fading away. Whether it be just because they are busy, or that just purely don’t want to hold that weight in my life. And I get it, nobody wants to hold that weight, nobody wants to control that, but the bad thing is NEITHER DO I.
The title of the post says it all really… cause maybe you’re gonna be the one that saves me. I came to this community needing to be saved, and in the process I hurt people, broke people, hurt myself, but I still LEARNED A LOT. Not only about my self but about others, and limitations, and addictions, and just life in general. At this point in the post I just feel like I’m rambling on but I needed to get it out somewhere, because I left everyone, because deep down I knew it was what was best. But also by far one of the HARDEST decisions I’ve ever made.
I looked at my computer, as one of the guys from my support group, called and called, and I knew what he would have to say, I knew that he would bring me to reality and convince me not to go but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t answer, I couldn’t respond. I listened to it ring… saw and read his messages, “I’m not giving up on you. You’re giving up on you. And that’s bullshit. You deserve to get back up.” And I spent a solid hour last night, going back and reading all our old messages, and the messages from other members of my support group, crying and asking myself where did I go wrong? What got me here? But also knowing that I got to the point of no return and this was in fact the end.
But here is what I don’t want. I don’t want you guys to feel bad, I don’t want you guys to blame yourself, to say you should have done better, I promise you that is not the case at all. Most of all of you, I’ve had nothing but a pleasant experience with. We’ve shared laughs and tears, and we’ve shared memories without a doubt. Know that you guys are amazing, and not at all to blame for this. I guess now is the time I can be honest and say, originally when I started the video for Danjo and Casers it was meant to be a goodbye video, and I guess it finally will be.
I love you guys SO much. And remember that the new year is just around the corner, and is full of new opportunities. I wish all of you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Know that I love you guys so freaking much, and I wish you all a lifetime full of happiness, and goodness and smiles. This community will forever hold a special place in my heart!
Love you guys, Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,