Caving In

sigh welp. there it goes. two months of progress, of hard work, gone. All because of an idiotic, foolish decision by me. surprising nobody.

Where do I go from here? when progress vanishes this quickly what’s the point? why even keep working on it anymore?

maybe this is a good thing bc I can have time to work on my other projects…

haha my other projects… I have so many of them I can’t think about all of them or I’ll start to shut down because of the immense wall of half-baked ideas I have…

and that seems to be a trend… I’ve been shutting down a lot recently… a little comment here, a stressful thing there and boom, I’m breathing super fast, shaking, tense…

holding in the tears because in the cutthroat world of the educational environment, showing weakness is a surefire way to get yourself killed.

or at least that’s what it feels like as the negative words rip into you, the soul-shattering realization dawning upon you:
you
messed
up

ngl it’s amazing I haven’t had more panic attacks then I already have…

how do I fix this…?
how can I fix myself so that I’m an actual good human, fix my constant anxiety…

how can I find a reason to keep going on my project…?

when will I find something I’m actually good at?

When will I not ba a failure?

"I’ve been so good; I’ve been helpful and friendly
I’ve been so good, why am I feeling empty?
I’ve been so good
I’ve been so good this year

I’ve been so good, but it’s still getting harder
I’ve been so good, where the hell is the karma?
I’ve been so good
I’ve been so good this year

4 Likes

Bad decisions are also progress. They are necessary steps, but always nice to leave them behind once the wisdom’s been gained.

Did it really vanish? Did the experience and two months worth of proficiency vanish? Yeah, sometimes stuff goes up in smoke. Sometimes it takes a lot of failures in order to succeed. Thomas Edison made 2000 attempts before making a viable light bulb.

Multitasking is a myth. Humans can focus on only one thing at a time. You’re distracting and overwhelming yourself by spreading your thoughts over too many projects. Pick one and see it through, then pick another, etc. Some projects stall because some part of it has to wait on something, for example waiting for parts for a repair. When that happens, start another. Hell, you can have ten projects going, but give each one focus as if it’s the only one you’re working on, because it is, at the moment you’re doing it.

All ideas are half baked till they’ve been worked on for a while.

There’s a quote in the story, “The Princess Bride,” “get used to disappointment.” It’s okay to leave your soul intact. Runners sometimes stumble on the track. People who play sports fumble. Some of the richest people in the world went through bankruptcies.

Disappointments sweeten success, and you will succeed as long as you keep plugging along.

You can worry about failure, or you can trust yourself, knowing you have the ability to recover.

I guess I could talk about aptitude tests, but you may have already given them a try. I went through a whole lot of jobs, and found out I could do quite a few things well enough. It may sound like a strange approach, but what do you do for fun? If you can figure out how that fun interest can relate to the talents needed for a career, you may have a starting point. Often people find out what they’re good at by accident. They just come across it while doing something else.

The only way to be a failure is to stop trying. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give yourself a break when you need it.

Does it have to do with unfulfilled expectations? Have you lost awareness of your warm and caring heart? The most important kind of fulfillment is how you grow as a person. Projects, both the successes and failures fulfill the conditions necessary for you to gain wisdom and empathy.

Karma seems capricious, but what if years later, you look back at this time in your life and realize that all the stuff that happened, helped you be in a situation for which you’re grateful? Half my life was a mess, but now I’m glad I went through it in order to be where I am now.

That in itself is a huge success!

Once in a while, stop thinking about anything but relaxing. Give your mind an opportunity to become clear.

Back to those half baked ideas. The creative process often occurs in a predictable pattern. That is to think long and hard about an idea, along with all it’s potential problems. Then let go of the issue. Relax and stop thinking about it. Then, as you go about your business a day or so later, solutions will often pop into your head. That’s happened to me more times than I can count. It’s been written about by quite a few authors.

Have you talked to a therapist about the panic attacks? It can help.

2 Likes

Hello Robyn,
life is progress. Sometimes good sometimes not. But nothing vanishes what you have achieved.
Don’t think about the negatives, think about where you come from and what you have done.
What are you proud of right now ? I am proud of you, posting here. Telling us your thoughts and
struggles. Everyone has. It’s human.
Concentrate at one project at the time, or do a plan with targets for your projects. When you achieve
one, then go one to the next target. Write it down so you can see it when you are thinking of going
backwards.
When you have the feeling it is to much, take a step aside, calm down, breathe and focus on something
beautiful. Remind yourself of the good things you have done.

You are strong and will be stronger overcoming this, dont do to much at all.
Have a nice day my friend and feel hugged,
Greetings

1 Like

Not a bad decision. A completely preventable one. It was dumb and shouldn’t have even happened.
Did Thomas Edison finally find a working lifghtbulb only for it to explode, thanks to him, and burn down half his workshop? I don’t think so…

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A completely preventable decision = not making a decision, which invariably is a bad decision. Having learned that not making a decision is also a bad decision, is also progress. Indecisiveness holds a lot of people back, more so than making bad decisions. I’m not sure that’s what you meant though. I suspect you’re feeling as though you could’ve avoided making a mistake. I’m sure if you could’ve, you would’ve. Have you ever heard of anyone, including yourself engaging in the thinking, “I know this will result in failure or disaster, but I’m gonna do it anyway?”

If anyone did think that way, they would unavoidably be highly successful - at failing.

If you’ve burned down your workshop, and realize you don’t want to do it again, that’s progress. Right now, you’re being very successful at beating yourself up. However, you don’t deserve to be treated like you’re treating yourself. In the process, you’re making a departure from reality. The reality is that you’re a decent person who is capable of learning and growing in ability and confidence. That won’t happen while you keep yourself in undeserved despair.

If Edison ever did burn down half his workshop, it wouldn’t be part of his written history, but he did blow up a lot of light bulbs.

Feelings aren’t facts, yet they lead to subjective assessments about ourselves and our circumstances. In other words, if you feel like crap, you may conclude that you are crappy. If you’re unhappy with your circumstances, you will see things around you that “justify” those feelings. The opposite is true also. If you feel good, you feel more competent and confident. A welcome event will help your circumstances seem brighter.

I think you’ve had reason to feel discouraged, and you’re taking it out on yourself. I doubt this is the first time it’s happened. If it’s happened over and over, you’ve convinced yourself to feel hopeless, however, that isn’t the reality of who you are.

You need to treat yourself as you would treat others. Stop being harsh and unfair to yourself.

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