Just thought dumping, no response needed.
My wife and I separated recently. After 5 years.
It was mutual and surprisingly very healthy. There was no big fight, no name calling. We both sat down and talked about it and agreed that us being together just wasn’t working. Now, the reason for that is, sigh, because of me. 100%. When we first got together it was great. It seemed almost too good to be true, for either of us. And then everything went downhill. All the baggage and insecurity and unresolved shit that I brought into the relationship caught up with me and it destroyed, well, everything. I was a compulsive liar. I was manipulative, even if I wasn’t actively trying to be. I made everything about me. I even cheated once. I ruined a really really good thing, and by default I ruined a very very good person. She gave me everything I could’ve wanted out of a relationship. She was there for me through every panic attack, every depressive episode, everything. She constantly went out of her way to make sure I was okay and comfortable. She put up with so much bullshit from me JUST because she cared that much, and I spat it all back in her face. And I didn’t realize it until it was too late. And she’s met someone else, they’re essentially together now from what I see. And he’s everything for her that I wasn’t. Seeing them together brings me peace of mind because I know she’s in good hands. There’s no jealousy or ill will between us, no hostility. I didn’t realize what I had until it was gone. And just an hour ago I woke up this morning and the FIRST thing I did was cry uncontrollably. Because seeing them hold hands and kiss, it fucked me up so much more than I was prepared for. Because that was me not even 3 months ago.
My point is, if you’ve got a significant other, go fucking tell them you appreciate them. Stay up with them that extra hour. Take that extra 5 minutes to lay with them before going to work. Let them annoy you. Hold them as much as you can. Say “I love you” as much as you can, so much that it irritates them, and then say it some more. If for even one second you think you might not be doing enough for them, go do more. Cherish what you have. Don’t ever be lazy with them. Don’t end up like me.
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In life we learn in various ways. It always hurts and crushes us when we learnt bings through experience of having to live through hard times. Of having the depend on hindsight.
I know it’s not easy acknowledging what we have done wrong, and it’s really not easy accepting the path life leads us to from those decisions.
I’m sure there will be moments where it will hurt so much seeing her be in another relationship. And I’m sure it feels conflicted with the thoughts of knowing that she’s happy and safe. It’s okay to feel those feelings of regret and hurt. It’s natural.
I hope you know you always have this space if you need
It sounds weird but it feels like she died. There’s this overwhelming emptiness and heartache that keeps getting worse every single day. And it’s constant. It doesn’t stop. I feel grief. Fear. Idk how else to explain it. It feels like she died. And the person I look at now is a ghost. Every time she goes away I feel so alone. It’s like she was never there. I’ve never hurt this badly in my entire life. And I don’t say that lightly. It feels like everything inside me is just bleeding out.
Everything just hurts so fucking much.
I had such a good thing and I destroyed it. Earlier today she asked me “what was it all for?” and honestly I don’t have an answer. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know what to do. I’m lost. She was the center of my life for 5 years and now she’s not. I keep telling her I’ll be fine, I’ll be okay, I’ll manage. But I don’t believe any of it. I’ve never cried this much. I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep going when my one purpose for doing that is gone. I haven’t been on my own in so long. Nothing is making the pain stop. Nothing is distracting me. Nothing is making it better. I don’t want to die, I just want to stop hurting so much. It feels like my heart is constatly being ripped in two. Like physically.
Taking her for granted is the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.
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That doesn’t sound weird at all, it very much does feel like that! Our subconscious and body cannot tell what kind of loss we are going through and it very much can go through the motions of grief. Sometimes I admit it can feel worse because there person is there haunting our waking lives.
For some people distraction works well, and for others it feels like prolonging the grief. Some people find spending time introverting and reflecting helpful. It depends on your own needs.
Grief plays by its own timeline, which sucks! Having someone be so much a part of your world is a hard loss. You spend a lot of emotional and mental time with that person.
There’s almost a roller coaster journey navigating the stages of grief and they certainly aren’t set to a certain timeline either.
It may not feel like it, but progress is made every day we choose to be present and do our best to move towards healing. I know that you mentioned that you could have done certain things, but I do hope that you know that holding yourself responsible and holding onto that guilt is something that can be learned to let go of. Maybe not all at once and maybe not immediately. I’m sure you have some amazing qualities that made this relationship what it was!