Childhood & memory

ive been wondering for a while now if something happened to me when i was younger, because i dont remember a lot from my childhood, only a few snapshots and things ive been told by other people.
does anyone feel the same?

im especially concerned because there are things that indicate i mightve experienced trauma. im not sure where to start- well, first the things ive been told.
i recently remembered that my mom told me that the caregivers at the kindergarten were worried about me because i used to have little bruises on my arms etc that looked like i was grabbed violently. my mom thought it was kinda silly and told me that i just bruise easily- i remember texting my friend about it the moment i remembered that, but now im not sure if thats a real memory or if i just made it up. i have a lot of silly fake memories especially from when i was younger, but they are usually in 3rd person or simply unrealistic. or people tell me that it didnt happen.

another thing im sure is real because my mom has mentioned it multiple times is, that unlike all the other kids who cried when their parents left and they had to stay at the kindergarten- i started crying when i had to go home.
to add to that, i dont remember anything about what my daily life at home looked like. maybe i was just too young or its simply insignificant? we moved to a different place once i was 5, dont remember anything other than the day we left and i said goodbye to the house crying haha.

when i was looking through my old stuff from kindergarten and primary school i noticed a complete change in personality. i started to dislike all things considered girly and feminine. its just silly little things like my favorite color changing from pink to green and i started disliking shows i previously liked because most girls watched them. i generally thought bad of girls. im probably just reading too much into it, but it makes me wonder why? i used to like being seen as feminine and be called princess or similar. and the next day i suddenly despised it.
maybe something happened to the “girly me” so i started considering feminine things weak and felt the need to change, so it doesnt happen to me again.

god i sound like im crazy, sorry. i just have this really bad feeling about my childhood.

there is also this extreme fear i have of being or having been r#ped. or some days i go out and feel like today is the day it will happen. ive had a few nightmares of these things, but i dont get them that often and its not the same one over and over again.
they still scare me, just yesterday i dreamed of my dad using me for his satisfaction. i feel sick just thinking about it. i dont believe my dad wouldve ever done something like that to me. while he did do stuff sometimes others would consider questionable, he was definitely not a r#pist. why would i ever think of him like that, there is seriously something wrong with me.

also- once, when i almost fell asleep, i had this really vivid experience. i was sitting on the couch and when i turned to the left there was a man that touched my face and smiled at me, but like- in a bad way. it scared me and i immediately woke up because of how real if felt. i could smell their hand and feel the slight breeze of their hand when they moved it.

and about the whole memory thing- my memory is insanely bad in general. i take pictures/videos of anything and everything wherever i go because if i dont, i will just forget. even really important things or once in a lifetime experiences. and when looking back to those events, i remember the pictures i took, not the actual event in itself. for example, i was in japan, took over 1000 pictures & videos because it was important to me and i dont want everything to just become a blur, as if it was just a dream.

i sound crazy and i feel like im just looking for it at this point. maybe im trying to connect dots that never had any connections in the first place. i know when trying to recover memories, its easy to make something up. im scared im just asking for it to be true. thanks for letting me rant once again, i feel really embarrassed lmao

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The memories in third person are probably dreams that were influenced by real events and people probably told you it wasn’t real because they wanted you to belive that.
I understand the way it is with you but as for me, my memories are always so vivid I can remember the weirdest things that were important to me but my parents don’t remember…
sorry for talking about my self.
I wish that we could talk about the different experiances and dreams we have because I have things like that too. It reminds me of me. I’m sorry for thinking about myself so much. I don’t know why I do it. No one ever said I was narrcissistic but because I always end up talking about myself.
I am starting to get scared that you were grabbed voilently when you were a kid…
I am so sorry that I am bringing this stuff up.
I have a bad feeling about it too and you don’t sound crazy at aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall.

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I understand the way things are a blur, but sometimes, something happens that would un-blurr it.

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I experience this as well. I don’t remember anything prior to 5 years of age, very little between 12 and 16, and very little between 18 or so and around 23. So I’m missing a pretty good chunk of years from my life. I still remember occurrences of abuse during these times, its not like a total blackout or anything but its not uncommon for family or old high school acquaintances to ask me, Do you remember that time? My answer is always no.

So I definitely can identify with what your saying. Im honestly scared to know what I can’t remember because I know how hard it has been to make what progress I have made with my mental health over many years and I don’t want to take a chance and lose that progress over some memories my brain intentionally locked away.

So you’re not crazy. Im right there with you.

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I could relate to this so much it’s scary.

I have gaps of memories too it’s like anything between ages 5-11 or 12 were a blur and I was abused by my mother. I don’t know what happened to you but i know it’s definitely trauma.

When I read the part about you hating girly things. I really dislike how feminine my body is and have an aversion to most things sexual due to my upbringing.

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It sounds like you were sexually abused as a kid. Are you sure your dad is trustworthy? What do you mean by “questionable things”?

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he’s always been kinda touchy- but not around the sexual parts of my body. its kinda embarrassing to say it, but he would touch my feet and my face or lick my ears, even if i told him to stop cuz it annoyed me- god it sounds so weird saying it like that, but i never felt like he did it with any bad intentions n he was just being playful. i really dont believe he wouldve done anything that could hurt me.
i thought about who else couldve abused me & the only people i can think of are my neighbors or the caregivers at kindergarten.

Eww! That is creepy af! I don’t think your dad is very trustworthy… :confounded:

ive been wondering for a while now if something happened to me when i was younger, because i dont remember a lot from my childhood, only a few snapshots and things ive been told by other people.
does anyone feel the same?

Yes, definitely. Prior to 6 years old, I almost have no memories besides fragmented ones of situations of abuse. After that, I have both good and bad memories, but it’s still very fragmented. If I don’t have notes, photos or discussions with people who were there, I’d be unable to say when something happened. It even includes major events, such as the loss of someone. Every year, I need to look again in a notebook to remind myself when it was. I’ve always admired people who could say “in August 2012 I was doing this/that”, because I’m absolutely unable to do the same. Remembering traumatic events from my childhood has also been an ongoing process for about 11 years now, and I’m still “playing” the detective in order to replace the time when something happened. Now, just like you, I really need notes and photos to keep track of things that even happened 1 or 2 years ago, because I can’t rely on my memory.

There’s really no need to feel embarrassed for having memory issues, and trying to figure out if something happened to you. Whether your intuition is right or not, our brain has a fascinating way to protect us from things we’re not ready to process. In any case, that doesn’t make you weird at all, and you’re really not alone.

I hope you can find your answers in the future. We’re in this with you. :heart:

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oh wow, not being able to tell when something happened isnt normal? damn. i always look for pictures of the event in my gallery so i can check when it happened. i will know it was in summer for example, but it could be any summer- maybe 2017 or 2019. sometimes im completely off with my guesses. last year nothing really traumatic happened compared to the years before that, but its like i can slowly watch it fade away. its really hard to describe, because i do know what happened- but like, i also dont in a way? its so confusing. and its always been like that.

thanks for your reply <3

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I can never tell when something happened in my memiry… so I didn;t think it was abnormal…

What you said there makes the most perfect sense in the world…

oh wow, not being able to tell when something happened isnt normal?

I didn’t/wouldn’t say that it’s not normal. It’s just how some people function, while others are able to tell when something happened with an insane amount of details. Every person’s experience is different. Just like you, for me not being able to tell when something happened is just how it’s always been. But in my case, I’ve experienced traumatic events before I was even able to speak, and I’ve been depressed for most of my life (which affects my memory as well), so I’m not a good example of what a “normal” memory should be (if we want to imagine that normality could exist). I was only sharing a personal experience to let you know that, wherever this journey regarding your memories is going to lead you, you’re not alone or weird for asking yourself those questions. Your own experience and your gut feeling don’t make you weird in any way. :heart:

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