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Childhood Trauma Sneaks Up Again


#1

I have a lot of issues stemming from my childhood.
As a child, my half- brother molested me multiple times, starting when I was around 5.
I’ve been to therapy, was hospitalized, medicated, and I was healing. I’d have bad days, but then again, who doesn’t? I’d be back to normal in about a week.

But then he died last year, I’m still not sure what caused it.
I couldn’t not go to the funeral, no matter how desperate I was to stay away from the body of the man that took my childhood away, but he was my brother. My fathers son. I couldn’t not be there for my dad, and his parents. But I ended up leaving the funeral early. Before it even started actually.
I feel guilty for not being upset, seeing how upset my father was.
But I’ve moved past it again. It didn’t bother me much, but I’ve avoided seeing my fathers side of the family since it happened.
Fast forward to now, my grandpa on my dads side has cancer in his face, and is having surgery in the next couple weeks.
We’re all going to be going down while he’s in surgery, but I don’t know how to approach them. It’s been so long since they’ve seen me, and they don’t know about the abuse that took place when I was young, and they’re upset with me for leaving the funeral early.
I’m stuck, and I’m scared, and I don’t know how to go about any of it.

Am I a bad person for not feeling sad at his death?
Is it weird that having to sit in the hospital with my grandparents has brought up all these raw emotions?


#2

Its not weird. This person took everything from you. Even if he is your brother that DOES NOT make him family. So no, it does not make you a bad person to not feel remorse about his death.