Choosetolive Fan #3

Hello my name is Victoria I’m 28 years old and have been struggling with suicidal thoughts on and off for almost 10 years now since 2013 during my freshman year of college. It’s been dark and they never really go away. I like to raise awareness but if I’m being honest National suicide prevention month is triggering to me because I have some survivors guilt from my suicide attempt in 2015 sometimes I wish it was successful but I have days where I don’t feel that way I go back and forth. Written to speak has been a big encouragement to me his poems don’t know where I would be without his ministry. I have type 1 diabetes it’s a recent diagnosis within the last 3 years and it’s been hard to have suicidal thoughts while giving myself insulin to stay alive if that makes sense.

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It may help to reframe the feelings behind the thoughts. A suicidal thought may take the form of “I want to quit life.” The feeling behind the thought is important to consider. You may be feeling sad about a loss. You may be feeling lonely, or despair. You may feel overwhelmed.

If you’re in touch with the feeling, you are more able to find a way to make it better.

I imagine the National Suicide Prevention month brings back both memories and feelings connected to your previous attempt, so the triggering makes sense.

There’s no need to have survivor’s guilt. Surviving is a good thing. Replace the guilt with gratitude that you’re still here.

Just as a river cuts a channel through the land, habitual thoughts creates patterns in the mind that makes those thoughts a “default reaction” to stress. Those patterns can be broken by asking yourself, “are there other ways I can think about or feel about this situation?”

Address the problems that are leading to the feelings which are triggering the thoughts. Maybe nothing can be changed except your thoughts. The more you understand yourself, the better you’ll be at guiding your thoughts.

Having a poet for a friend must be nice.

Sorry about the diabetes. Are your blood sugar readings within a therapeutic range?

Hi choosetolive, you’re amazing for being here. I also made an attempt recently and sometimes feel incredible guilt. I was told it was amazing I lived through this and it’s really weighed on me.
Sometimes it’s feeling guilt for putting others through this stress and for “nothing”. I’ve had to embrace how happy people are that I’m here.
I’m happy you’re here.
Nobody wants to see your hurting and alone, and you don’t deserve to be either.
What you’ve said makes total sense, but you do deserve life. You deserve love and happiness. Those thoughts that took you to where you were take so much to push aside, and sometimes you can’t do it alone.
You’re not alone.

Thank you for the encouraging supportive messages. I find it’s hard to change my thoughts and thought patterns. Yes reading/writing poetry really helps me at times. My blood sugars are in pretty good range but could be better.

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I’m glad you are still here as well. Those are definitely normal feelings to be feeling but hopefully they pass and get better with time. It can feel both heavy and light all at the same time. I know people are happy I’m here but what I struggle most somedays is I deep down really don’t feel that happy to be here. So what do I do with that and those thoughts? I believe I deserve life but sometimes I wish life was easier to get through.

From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey Friend, Thank you for your post, I am so sorry that Suicide prevention month is so triggering to you, It is so sad that you find guilt in the fact that you survived, I am so very grateful that you did, Did you have any therapy at the time of your attempt to help you to manage it and the fact that you did indeed survive? I can see why you would find it strange to be giving yourself a life saving medication whilst thinking about ending your life but the fact that you are continuing to give yourself that medication tells me that those thoughts are for now just thoughts and for that I am also grateful, you are worthy of a full life, you have many years of good ahead of you, you deserve happiness and longevity. I truly wish you well. Much Love. x

From: RedYeti

Hi Victoria, Thank you for posting! My recommendation is to find people who want to spread awarness regarding suicide because often times one voice is not loud enough and just finding people with like minded interests can open multiple different paths and can encorouge you to think of ways to spread awareness that might be on Discord here or on another social media platform. Its important to keep in mind no matter what you’re going through there is someone else who is going through the same issues and sometimes all it takes is a simple reply to help them. Showing that people care is so powerful and I hope that you’re able to find a way to spread awareness!

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Hey friend, thank you for your very supportive message. I just made myself a discord account and added you as a friend I’m viwarrior. It is sad I feel guilt but I think unfortunately a normal part of the survivor lifelong journey and process. Oh yes I did an 8 week IOP that helped me to get me back on my feet again. I hope the thoughts only stay thoughts it would be scary to go any further again. I hope I have good year ahead of me :heart:

Thank you RedYetiHi, I definitely am an mental health advocate even though I struggle. I recently started being a volunteer writer for survivor cards sending free handwritten cards snail mail to survivors of any trauma (suicide, sexual assault etc) also I created a discord account I will add you I’m viwarrior

Hello choosetolive,
you are very strong to reaching out with this struggles. This is a big step and you can be proud.
To find the trigger to your thoughts is a good sign.
Medication and therapy helps, it helps me. I struggle otherwise. I could rarely sleep for a long time and
was feeling overwhelmed with everything in my life, at work and privately.
i learned that reaching out, speaking out it the first, and the by far most important step i did in my
whole life.
Like everyone said before, we are happy that you are here. Others care about you, we care about
you.
You are worth it, you deserve it, thank you for posting here.
Have a nice day and feel hugged my friend,
Greetings

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