Hello my name is Victoria I’m 28 years old and have been struggling with suicidal thoughts on and off for almost 10 years now since 2013 during my freshman year of college. It’s been dark and they never really go away. I like to raise awareness but if I’m being honest National suicide prevention month is triggering to me because I have some survivors guilt from my suicide attempt in 2015 sometimes I wish it was successful but I have days where I don’t feel that way I go back and forth. Written to speak has been a big encouragement to me his poems don’t know where I would be without his ministry. I have type 1 diabetes it’s a recent diagnosis within the last 3 years and it’s been hard to have suicidal thoughts while giving myself insulin to stay alive if that makes sense.
It may help to reframe the feelings behind the thoughts. A suicidal thought may take the form of “I want to quit life.” The feeling behind the thought is important to consider. You may be feeling sad about a loss. You may be feeling lonely, or despair. You may feel overwhelmed.
If you’re in touch with the feeling, you are more able to find a way to make it better.
I imagine the National Suicide Prevention month brings back both memories and feelings connected to your previous attempt, so the triggering makes sense.
There’s no need to have survivor’s guilt. Surviving is a good thing. Replace the guilt with gratitude that you’re still here.
Just as a river cuts a channel through the land, habitual thoughts creates patterns in the mind that makes those thoughts a “default reaction” to stress. Those patterns can be broken by asking yourself, “are there other ways I can think about or feel about this situation?”
Address the problems that are leading to the feelings which are triggering the thoughts. Maybe nothing can be changed except your thoughts. The more you understand yourself, the better you’ll be at guiding your thoughts.
Having a poet for a friend must be nice.
Sorry about the diabetes. Are your blood sugar readings within a therapeutic range?
Hi choosetolive, you’re amazing for being here. I also made an attempt recently and sometimes feel incredible guilt. I was told it was amazing I lived through this and it’s really weighed on me.
Sometimes it’s feeling guilt for putting others through this stress and for “nothing”. I’ve had to embrace how happy people are that I’m here.
I’m happy you’re here.
Nobody wants to see your hurting and alone, and you don’t deserve to be either.
What you’ve said makes total sense, but you do deserve life. You deserve love and happiness. Those thoughts that took you to where you were take so much to push aside, and sometimes you can’t do it alone.
You’re not alone.
Thank you for the encouraging supportive messages. I find it’s hard to change my thoughts and thought patterns. Yes reading/writing poetry really helps me at times. My blood sugars are in pretty good range but could be better.
I’m glad you are still here as well. Those are definitely normal feelings to be feeling but hopefully they pass and get better with time. It can feel both heavy and light all at the same time. I know people are happy I’m here but what I struggle most somedays is I deep down really don’t feel that happy to be here. So what do I do with that and those thoughts? I believe I deserve life but sometimes I wish life was easier to get through.
From: Lisalovesfeathers
Hey Friend, Thank you for your post, I am so sorry that Suicide prevention month is so triggering to you, It is so sad that you find guilt in the fact that you survived, I am so very grateful that you did, Did you have any therapy at the time of your attempt to help you to manage it and the fact that you did indeed survive? I can see why you would find it strange to be giving yourself a life saving medication whilst thinking about ending your life but the fact that you are continuing to give yourself that medication tells me that those thoughts are for now just thoughts and for that I am also grateful, you are worthy of a full life, you have many years of good ahead of you, you deserve happiness and longevity. I truly wish you well. Much Love. x
From: RedYeti
Hi Victoria, Thank you for posting! My recommendation is to find people who want to spread awarness regarding suicide because often times one voice is not loud enough and just finding people with like minded interests can open multiple different paths and can encorouge you to think of ways to spread awareness that might be on Discord here or on another social media platform. Its important to keep in mind no matter what you’re going through there is someone else who is going through the same issues and sometimes all it takes is a simple reply to help them. Showing that people care is so powerful and I hope that you’re able to find a way to spread awareness!
Hey friend, thank you for your very supportive message. I just made myself a discord account and added you as a friend I’m viwarrior. It is sad I feel guilt but I think unfortunately a normal part of the survivor lifelong journey and process. Oh yes I did an 8 week IOP that helped me to get me back on my feet again. I hope the thoughts only stay thoughts it would be scary to go any further again. I hope I have good year ahead of me 
Thank you RedYetiHi, I definitely am an mental health advocate even though I struggle. I recently started being a volunteer writer for survivor cards sending free handwritten cards snail mail to survivors of any trauma (suicide, sexual assault etc) also I created a discord account I will add you I’m viwarrior
Hello choosetolive,
you are very strong to reaching out with this struggles. This is a big step and you can be proud.
To find the trigger to your thoughts is a good sign.
Medication and therapy helps, it helps me. I struggle otherwise. I could rarely sleep for a long time and
was feeling overwhelmed with everything in my life, at work and privately.
i learned that reaching out, speaking out it the first, and the by far most important step i did in my
whole life.
Like everyone said before, we are happy that you are here. Others care about you, we care about
you.
You are worth it, you deserve it, thank you for posting here.
Have a nice day and feel hugged my friend,
Greetings
Hello, I’m feeling alone I mean I connect with many friends and guys everyday through my phone but it’s not what I truly long for and desire. I long for in person connection and intimacy with a guy but the right guy not just anyone. I feel like no guy will ever truly want to be with me and pursue me or take the next step. I’m going to be 29 never been married no kids I’ve been in some relationships but not in a very very long time last relationship was 7 years ago. I have forgotten what’s it’s like to be close to a guy or kiss them. I feel like my life is pathetic but I’m trying to work on myself and my health for now but I would be open to find my soulmate possibly if I loved that person. I don’t want to end up alone. My parents are reaching 70 soon and I fear being all alone not married after they die.
Hey hun,
29 is still very very young in life! There are some means of trying to date like Tinder or PlentyofFish and stuff, but a relationship/marriage isn’t something you need to be in. You don’t need someone beside you for constant validation to feel happy. Trust me, I thought I could be in a relationship with my ex because he was poly and open to more partners-- I thought we were so close since we talked almost everyday. In the end? Well, he was my ex. And I got to sit and think: the years before I met him, let alone GOT with him, I was fine and happy. Now? I’m a constant wreck almost every day. We’re not even friends anymore. I can’t even fathom trying to be friends with him ever again. I sit and wonder, we’d probably still be friends if we never dated. But, I learnt his true colors on how he’d treat me and my depressive disorders.
I think wanting that bond with someone to complete you out of the get go is a big leap, and might end up giving you more overwhelming anxiety than you can take rather than going with the flow and meeting people that can wind up being really good friends for you to fall back on.
I’m sorry you’re going through this kind of loneliness hun, we’re always here for you.
Hi, thank you for reaching out and sharing with us. Those lonely, “empty” feelings are so hard to deal with and I’m sorry to hear that you’re experiencing them.
With that said, I know it’s often disappointing when it’s hard to quickly find these people who are interested in intimate relationships, but I hope that you’re able to pace yourself and take things one step at a time. It can take some time to build these connections, and I hope you’re able to build up friendships in the meantime, which may eventually expand into the relationships you seek.
I’m also proud of you for putting that effort into bettering yourself and for having the courage to share with us. Thank you for being here.
<3 Tuna
Hi eagertuna0, thank you for hearing me out. Yes I have to pace myself and take it one day at a time not trying to rush myself or my guys friends. Because I think when I do that I push them away or they get scared. I don’t want to lose them as friends by getting to attached or sharing my deeper feelings. For sure exactly it take a lot of time to form deeper bonds connection with people because people usually don’t open up right away have to build that level of trust first. Yes I am trying to build friendships with both men and women for now even if it is mostly through a screen or the internet. And you never know when it may grow into something more beyond just a friendship have to keep hope I guess even when I feel discouraged or hopeless, empty inside like things are never gonna change or get better. I have to try hard to believe something good is on the way and i deserve it. Thanks for being here for me I’m glad you are here too offering support saving lives through tests texts.
Aww, thank you for your kind reply and for sharing. You’re completely right in saying that it can take time to form those deeper bonds, and the internet can be a nice place to foster friendships. I’m also glad that you recognize that you deserve deep relationships that work for you, and hope you find those soon. Thank you again for the update. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if anything further is on your mind; we’re always here for you.
Hey hun,
29 is still very very young in life! There are some means of trying to date like Tinder or PlentyofFish and stuff, but a relationship/marriage isn’t something you need to be in. You don’t need someone beside you for constant validation to feel happy. Trust me, I thought I could be in a relationship with my ex because he was poly and open to more partners-- I thought we were so close since we talked almost everyday. In the end? Well, he was my ex. And I got to sit and think: the years before I met him, let alone GOT with him, I was fine and happy. Now? I’m a constant wreck almost every day. We’re not even friends anymore. I can’t even fathom trying to be friends with him ever again. I sit and wonder, we’d probably still be friends if we never dated. But, I learnt his true colors on how he’d treat me and my depressive disorders.
I think wanting that bond with someone to complete you out of the get go is a big leap, and might end up giving you more overwhelming anxiety than you can take rather than going with the flow and meeting people that can wind up being really good friends for you to fall back on.
I’m sorry you’re going through this kind of loneliness hun, we’re always here for you.
For sure I think the internet is both a curse and a huge blessing. I’ve met some of the most amazing people and current friends off of Insta, YouTube or the internet in general dating apps etc. it’s cool to meet people from all over the world that we would have never probably crossed paths if not for technology so that’s really crazy and mind blowing to think about. I have some pretty deep authentic true friendships in my life but I feel like what I struggle with currently is focusing on the few people that don’t care or the couple exes that don’t want me. Like this ex I ran into and we sort of reconnected for a bit he wants nothing to do with me and it hurts a lot. Like I know I have a lot of people that love and care about me but it’s human nature to dwell on those few people that don’t care, don’t reach out etc right? What do I do about that like my exes and half siblings, aunt etc I feel unwanted like they don’t care about my life but maybe it’s all in my head maybe I’m just guarded and dont let people in that easy because I’ve been hurt don’t just share my life, my story with just anyone it’s sacred to share my battle scars and open wounds that are still healing.
I don’t want to get hurt again and I don’t want to hurt anyone in the process of trying to find love or be in love it’s scary to open your whole self up to someone that may not stay in your life for the long haul they could leave at anytime. Nothing is for certain or guaranteed even if you are married and it’s a harsh true reality to have to accept I guess.