Clashing friends, I'm so helpless

[ZenniLyn]

I’m really stressed out, and I know it’s not my fault or my responsibility to fix the issue. Two of my best friends have been vaguely venting (separately) about stress, dark places, and friendship problems. I’ve put two and two together with context clues, they’ve been clashing with one another and I’m not sure why?

One of them has severe anxiety (we’ll call them Amy), the other has severe paranoia (this one can be Beth–not real names, of course). I’ve known Amy for over ten years and Beth for less than half as much. Both have collected a lot of trauma in their lives, both in extremely different ways. Amy’s been going to therapy for her issues, and we’re all pretty sure she needs medication to help her from sinking into a dangerously deep depression. Beth doesn’t believe therapy will work on herself and also doesn’t have the funds for that extra expense. Amy lives alone and has been in social distancing isolation for a year, and when she talks to us, the only thing she has as a reference is herself and her small apartment. In short, she talks about herself and her problems a lot.

Beth likes to help, offering her own ways of coping with her trauma as suggestions, trying to help and be there as a good friend until she burns herself out. Because of things in her past, she needs a lot of reassurance that her individual friendships are strong. Without recognition (friendship is a two-way street after all) she starts to doubt the strength of the friendship and then her paranoia sends her spiraling down a dark road, questioning everything and then feeling forced to grieve and prepare for the worst. I stay aware of this and try to respect the fact that I gotta remind her that I’m still here for her.

Beth is very verbose, and tends to be very thorough when it comes to posting messages, because she wants to help us understand her worldview and show where she’s coming from. She tends to wordwall, which makes Amy feel like she’s being yelled at and given no chance to formulate a response, which is not the case. Not intentioned anyway.

I’m stuck in the middle of all of this. They’ve kept me in the dark since it honestly isn’t any of my business, but it hurts to see friends hurting over what looks to me to be a nonissue. I don’t know what they’re clashing about, it’s not really fighting from what I can see? The only thing I can do is offer both of them my support without being nosy.

I DM for the two of them on Saturdays, we play a game of 3-person Dungeons and Dragons (the Tyranny of Dragons campaign, if anyone finds that interesting). We’re scheduled to play every weekend and I’m afraid our close-knit band of musketeers are going to fall apart. I’ve asked them separately if they want to play, but…I don’t want to lead a game where my players are quiet and uncomfortable. Especially when there’s only two players?

For a bit of backstory…Amy, Beth and I are part of a bigger friend group where we used to play a lot of games together. Personalities clashed and drama hit hard last summer, tensions ran so high that people were screaming at each other over voice chat to be heard. Things eventually smoothed out, everyone involved agreed it was a stupid thing to be angry about and we apologized to each other. We al agreed to try and be the adults we are and just move on. Beth and I have managed to move forward and have begun to enjoy ourselves with the bigger group again, but Amy is stuck.

She’s so afraid of one of our guy friends that even seeing his name makes her nauseous with anxiety. She keeps living in the past and is afraid of repeat drama. I’ve been trying my hardest to respect her wishes and not push her. If she’s not comfortable, I won’t put pressure on anything she doesn’t want to do. But she’s the type to hyperfocus on problems and never let them go.

I thought I had set up a safe space for her when I made the little 3-man friend group for her, but now this? I don’t know what they’re clashing about but I know from the last time this happened, if I give advice or get involved then issues will get worse and things will be lost in translation.

Am I supposed to sit back and watch this fall apart again?

I’m just so frustrated. It seems to me that one is more of a problem than the other, but nothing I do or say will get her to get the help she really needs. What she’s doing now to improve herself is a good start, but clearly it’s not working if she’s losing sleep and making herself sick over things.

I can’t get involved, but Beth is already preparing to start grieving over the loss of a friend (we have a vent channel in a separate discord server, kind of like the heartsupport wall, and she’s been venting without naming any names and I’m worried she means Amy) and Amy doesn’t want to talk about things in order to not stress me out.

This wouldn’t be the first time I’ve watched Amy pull away from mutual friends. I’m prepared to deal with it if it needs to be, but that shatters a lot of connections and bridges between her and Beth if it happens again.

I’m just tired of friend drama
I thought we were all past this
I’ve tried so hard to accommodate both of them and make a safe space for them to just relax and be themselves

I’m at a point where I desperately want to quit trying so hard but I can’t just turn it off. If they’re Anxiety and Paranoia, I dunno what I am. Stress? Way too much empathy. When my friends are upset, I end up living their stress right along with them.

I only post here because I’m certain they don’t use heartsupport. I’ve shown them the wall and the livestreams, I don’t think they ever gave much thought into it.

I can only lead the horses to water. If they don’t drink, I can’t force them.

[Wings]

Based on what I’ve read here, you are doing exactly the right thing. I have been in the middle of so many conflicts that I’m quite used to it.

So you have anxiety on one side and paranoia on the other, yet the symptoms of both conditions are very similar. I also believe the anxiety is escalating the paranoia, and vice versa. It’s like having two sources of fuel, each one contributing to a larger and potentially devastating flame.

And there you are in the middle! Odds are, that your presence is keeping the situation from going nuclear. It’s hard to feel the pain coming from two or more directions. Yet your presence is making the pain less for the others.

It’s rarely understood that empathy and resilience can coexist. At the moment, it sounds like you are very empathetic, but also very vulnerable.

I’m kind of odd. I grew up in an environment of constant bickering and abuse. I was also very quiet. At times, I could filter out all of the anger and grief that was around me, as though it was just so much wind noise. My calmness attracted the upset family members. Perhaps it’s because this process started from the age of seven or eight, but I was okay with it. I thought it was business as usual, when people were bouncing off the walls, then coming to me in order to feel some calming energy.

I’m not sure if I can advise you about how to survive being in the middle, as I feel as though I was born there. However, I do have a theory that you might want to consider. I believe an open heart is connected to virtually unlimited energy. I believe that’s why I can feel empathy and calmness, even when surrounded by conflict. In other words, the heart can manifest sufficient strength to meet whatever demands are made of it.

It’s possible to feel empathy, which may include some pain, and not be worn down or overwhelmed by it. The desire to share yourself as a loving presence very often reduces or eliminates the pain that both people were experiencing.

With all that being said, until you come to a point of resilient empathy, you need to take a break as needed, from being in the middle of conflict.

[ZenniLyn]

Hi Wings, thanks so much for your response, this really does help! Honestly you reminded me of a seminar I once attended for work. The speaker talked about how humans socially adapt to their surroundings and try to match the energy in the room. This is mostly for customer service purposes, like dealing with angry customers. If they’re hijacked and exploding, it helps to keep your cool because that should eventually bring them back down.

I never actually realized that this applies outside the workspace as well. That’s really cool. I’m sorry to hear about your family situation, but it’s really inspiring to see how you handled it and how effective it accidentally was.

As an update to the situation, I did manage to casually talk to both of my friends to check the temperature of the room. Beth assures me that she’s going to be fine and Amy promises me that she’s trying not to let the past totally dictate how she handles the present and future. I don’t think things will be quite the same between them, but as long as they’re not fighting or yelling at each other I don’t think that’s my problem.Empathy has always been my weak point but I’ll try to reel it back.

I’m gonna try to channel the Wings vibe and be the chill one in the group, haha. Thanks again, I’m probably going to be reading and rereading this until it really sinks in.

[Wings]

Wow! I’m so glad you found my words helpful. I also appreciate your generous response. Think of empathy as an asset when feeling enough to understand, but not so much that it hurts. Have you ever seen that picture of a lighthouse in a storm, and huge waves are crashing against it, almost enveloping it?

Imagine yourself with that kind of strength, withstanding the storms around you. It takes practice to care about others without taking on their emotional baggage.

[ZenniLyn]

Update on my end with this just so I have somewhere to put these thoughts to bed.

I get sick to my stomach whenever either of them talk to me privately, knowing that Beth keeps asking Amy to talk things through and Amy keeps putting it off. Amy will talk to me no problem, hang out, play games, whatever, so it leaves Beth feeling silenced and ignored.

Sill trying to channel the Wings vibe so I’m not torn up over it anymore. Just left feeling tired, and guilty.

I know I shouldn’t have, but I stepped in and gave each my two cents. I know how to talk to both of them, I know extensively where both sides are coming from. I gave them both some perspective on each other and, after explaining to Amy how I feel and how torn up Beth is over all this, finally got Amy to initiate a chat with Beth. I assume they’re talking now as I type this. Both want to be heard, both have simple fixes that would make this friendship smooth again.

I don’t have anywhere to vent or speak about this without having it somehow affect my friend circles (they all connect in one way or another) so I’m back here venting steam. I’ve done all I can, but I still feel to blame for all of this. I am aware of my own strong guilt responses to conflict, though. One way or another my depressed inner voice convinces me that a conflict or issue is my fault. It’s not. It’s not my fault. It’s just a misunderstanding of love languages.

Like I told Amy. They’re both social distancing at home since last year, they’re essentially speedrunning this friendship. All of the kinks and bumps and sharp corners are being tackled at once with no outside buffers like having a life outside of their own homes. I went through all of this with both of them, but over time, and now they have to tackle it together all at once.

I really hope I got through to them. I hope they work it out. I hope it goes well. I’m going to have to step away from my devices and not worry about this tonight. Time for some melatonin, I think.