Hey, it’s been a while since I’ve been here. I didn’t wanna be a burden with daily shit going on. As I’m sure a lot of people are dealing with, this pandemic is taking a mental toll on me. I haven’t seen the girl I care deeply about since January because she works 6 days a week and her one day off is a recovery day. My mom is so paranoid about Covid so I haven’t been able to hug her since March. I’m basically alone 24/7 with my thoughts and memories. I asked the girl if I could see her for a picnic on my birthday if I took time off work and can’t even get a yes for that. The ‘friends’ I do have just run their problems by me and never take into consideration me and brush out my feelings by just saying yeah cool but I have this going on. As someone who was also sexually assulted but also trying to come to terms with being bi, I’m just struggling. When I experimented I did enjoy it but I had massive flashbacks to my assault. I’m at a point where I just feel like a burden to everyone and that I’d be better off gone.
That’s a rough spot to be in! I can attest that COVID has taken a toll on my mental health as well. Lack of human touch can hurt. I’m a big hugger, and not being able to hug others has definitely been rough. As for the friends, I’d say you’re definitely in need of a new crowd, but I know that that is much easier said than done. However, you do have us here. I know it’s not always the same thing as having someone in person, but I promise, someone will listen. I can’t offer much advice in the way of your assault. I’m so very sorry that happened to you. If you haven’t seen someone regarding that, that would be my suggestion. Perhaps together, you can find a way to have tools to combat those flashbacks.
I promise, you’re not a burden to anyone. I don’t know you, but I value you. If you’re open to it, you can always send me a message and I will gladly chat with you, or just listen if you need someone to vent to. Don’t give up hope yet.
I’m so sorry to hear about all of those things you are facing in your life right now. It’s not fair. But I want you to know that you are not a burden because of what you are going through. Never. You are carrying burdens on your shoulders. Yet it will never define you as a person. And who I see here is someone who’s been very brave by taking the time to write down what they’re going through, to share their heart as it is, without any filter.
I hope you are safe, since you posted, and you didn’t hurt yourself in any way. You don’t deserve any harm. Only love and compassion.
If you struggle with thoughts about ending your life, if at some point you feel like your mind is spiraling, please reach out to someone you trust and who could be with you, or consider calling a crisis line:
- Crisis text line - text HOME to 741741
- Suicide hotline - 1-800-273-8255
- National suicide prevention chat - http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
I know that this year has been very isolating. My heart goes out to you. I feel all the things you just shared. Missing the possibility to see the people you love, missing hugs, feeling like you are a burden to everyone. And when you experienced something traumatic such as a sexual assault, this whole situation with covid and quarantine can feel like a new layer of heaviness on the top of everything.
Despite all of this: you are not alone. We’re all in this together. I know it’s different, but you have friends right here in this community. We care about how you feel, we care about you. And I’m so glad you took the time to come here, so you can break this loneliness, even just a bit.
If you need to share about those flashbacks, feel always free to do it here. No obligation though, just know that it’s always possible. No judgment. I know personally how important it is to share them, or sometimes to just write them down. It helps to regain some perspective, to feel less controlled and overwhelmed by it.
You are truly loved. You matter. You are not unseen. And you are cared for.
Sorry I can’t be there to help, but please remember you’re not alone in your sufferings
I’m ok. I didn’t do anything overnight.
Thank you for being here @Bcrit and giving updates. That truly means a lot. Let us know if there’s any way we can support you here. I’m rooting for you. And I hope today will go as smooth as possible to you.