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Codependency

Hi, I noticed my codependency is beginning to come back. This is why I don’t talk to people. I’m getting too close to them and I need to distance myself. I accidently opened up too much to them last night and I need to stop. I just need to give them and myself a break. Plus it has caused alot of quiet tension in the system, and I feel bad for that. I’m going to find a place to sit by myself tommorow. I need to not be around people. I can’t take too much happiness and good memories or it’ll make me sad when they’re gone, and dependent on them coming back. Not everyone came to lunch today and it made me feel a bit dissconnected. This means that I need some time to myself so I can remember that I exist too, and that being alone is nice too, I don’t want to be lonely but I don’t want to be dependent. I need to remind myself of my worth.
This is why I avoid people. Because when I make friends my brain automatically relies on them for dopamine and a source of happiness and safety. I can’t control it, so I just don’t talk to people. I have severe seperation stress and anxiety that I try to control but instead it gets worse and worse because when I try to keep my mouth shut they start worrying about me and then I burst out and I don’t shut up. I know they mean well, but I also know when I’m being too much. And it makes it all the more difficult to protect them from myself if they keep pushing me about it. I don’t want them to get close to me, because then that happens. And then I get scared. I just need a break from people.
-X

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This means that I need some time to myself so I can remember that I exist too, and that being alone is nice too, I don’t want to be lonely but I don’t want to be dependent. I need to remind myself of my worth.

Wow. That’s incredibly powerful. It sounds that, not only you know yourself well, but you are also able to recognize when some balance need to be rebuilt, and how. Yes, you are worthy, regardless of how many relationships you have and the quality of them. You are worthy because you exist, and it’s so important to focus on ourselves when we feel the need to.

It’s okay also to have a tendency to look after others love, validation and support. You have your own story, your own wounds and insecurities. In the grand scheme of your own journey, feeling this attraction to codependency makes sense. But you’re aware of it, and that’s an incredible strength in terms of personal growth. However, please don’t be too scared of this need of validation and acknowledgment sometimes. Falling into the opposite - self-reliance and self-isolation - wouldn’t be healthy either. You have the right to take space when you spend time with others too.

Sending love your way. :hrtlegolove:

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Thank you, I needed this right now. But I know that it doesn’t work for me all the time. Ecspecially rn. Right now I just need someone to tell me I exist, in the flesh, grab my shoulders, hug me, and tell me I’m here. Tell me I’m alive, tell me I’m safe, tell me I’m okay, tell me I’m not insane, tell me that it’s okay to open up. God… I can’t… I’m so scared right now…
My mom thinks I’m okay, she keeps saying how proud she is of the long way I’ve come. Telling me how she can tell I’m finally happy and just a normal person. How’s she so proud of me for being in college and that I’m doing well. I haven’t told her anything. I haven’t told her the tests I’ve failed, I haven’t told her the hours I spent zoning out in class paranoid or anxious or depressed about something. How my brain never shuts the fuck up, that’s the last thing she’d expect. I’m going to fail college and this is going to hit her like a bag of bricks. I’m so ashamed of myself. But I want her to be happy. I want her to think that I’m happy. So she won’t know what’s coming, so she won’t have to be as sad. She can think I accidently died, and get over it easier. Idk. I feel eyes on me all the time now. That fucker in my class is planning something, I can tell, he acts like I’m a threat when I NEVER FUCKING DID ANYTHING TO HIM! WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS LIKE THIS? WTF HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE!
I just want to die… I’m fully aware of everything, but I know I can’t fix it, that balance is collapsing quickly and I can’t build it back up. I’m so fucking bipolar that anything I build gets slashed right down the minute some tiny little trigger occurs.
I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to say that, but that’s what it’s coming to. I failed at not being codependent. Friends are becoming a lifeline again, and idk what to do except die for their sake.
…X

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Ecspecially rn. Right now I just need someone to tell me I exist, in the flesh, grab my shoulders, hug me, and tell me I’m here. Tell me I’m alive, tell me I’m safe, tell me I’m okay, tell me I’m not insane, tell me that it’s okay to open up.

I understand this need. And it’s absolutely okay to feel that, even if it may be a little scary.

For what it’s worth coming from me: I see you. I hear you. You are not insane. And yes, it’s absolutely okay to open up. Your voice matters so much.

But I want her to be happy. I want her to think that I’m happy. So she won’t know what’s coming, so she won’t have to be as sad. She can think I accidently died, and get over it easier. Idk.

I’ve seen my parents losing one of their children, my brother. Before that happened, I’ve heard so many times people saying that there isn’t greatest sorrow but to lose a child. And somehow, that’s true. Because it feels unnatural. It’s not how things should be, as the logic wants the parents to disappear, and children to be their legacy.

Your mom wouln’t “get over it easier”. Actually she probably would never really get over it. And I’m not saying that to guilt you or make you feel bad. I just want you to know that facing the death of someone we love is a whole another level of pain, and we never truly get over it.

I understand that the secrets you’ve been keeping from her are stressing you. You’re afraid of hurting her. You’re afraid of disappointing her. It makes absolutely sense. But I also can’t emphasize enough what follows: there is no struggle on Earth that will ever be worth to take your own life. Because death deletes any possibility to heal, to resolve a situation, to grow. As long as you are alive, there will be solutions to find, paths to follows, things to try, even if it’s very scary at first.

If you are scared that your mom would be aware that you’re not happy, it means she truly wants you to be happy. It means she loves you. She cares about you. But also, she wouldn’t want the love and care she has for you to be a burden or something that would push you to censor yourself. Love is not just about embracing the good moments. It’s also about being vulnerable and learning to thrive, together, during the darkest times. It’s okay to reach out to her. To be honest with her. To talk. Please, give your mom a chance to care, because it seems that it’s actually what she want to do.

I just want to die… I’m fully aware of everything, but I know I can’t fix it, that balance is collapsing quickly and I can’t build it back up. I’m so fucking bipolar that anything I build gets slashed right down the minute some tiny little trigger occurs.

If you’ve been used to go through ups and downs for very long time, then it makes absolutely sense to feel this way. I was talking about this to my therapist the other day actually. How much, deep inside, the idea that what I build would ultimately collapse sooner or later, how much I’m used to this perspective, and how much this idea sabotages me in the present moment. Because if life is going to get worse anyway, then why trying, right? But these are lies we’ve learned to live with, and they’re so fully integrated in our mind that we’ve learned to see them as truth. Though we are not broken beyond repair. When life feels very overwhelming and you are at the edge of falling, slow down. Take it easy. Try not to focus on the big picture. Reduce your focus on small and simple things, and try to embrace the little steps you take. We can’t figure out everything in an instant, but we can surely ask ourselves: what can I do today to treat myself well and feel a little more comfortable?

You are loved dearly. Hold Fast, friend. :hrtlegolove:

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