College student finding a way to survive this world

Hello, this is my first time writing so bear with me.

I am 29 years old and have been having suicidal thoughts since I was 20, and it got worse after my mom passed in 2013. The same year my mom passed away, I started community college and will finally be graduating hopefully in May after 6 years (changed majors couple times).
This past year, I have been experiencing panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, depression, being lonely, anxiety, and probably more. Most are due to having been in school for 6 years and after I graduate, I feel I’ll be back where I was before college with barely any experience.

Lately, I feel that after college, what will keep me going. I have a supportive family and some friends, but my head always thinks that they will leave if I pester them too much. Since I only met my friends in college, that after, they won’t want to be around me.

I just wanted to get my words out there, don’t expect a reply back.



Thank you for sharing. It means a lot to the community. I’m sorry you are having those thoughts. They’re not great. Those are the last things you don’t want. I just wanted to let you know that you are not crazy for having those thoughts. It’s a common thing. There are people in this community who went through it. You are not alone in this. You will get through it. You will do amazing things after you graduate. We believe in you. I hope you are hanging on. God bless. Stay strong.


thank you for your words, it means a lot.

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Thank you for sharing and just like AVJR said, you’re not alone in having those thoughts. They’re hard and exhausting thoughts but you can get through it. You’re strong and have been through a lot. We believe in you and are here for you whenever you need to share and get your words out.


Thank you for sharing, I know it was tough.
I also went through a similar situation as you. I can give you advice of what I did to help and maybe that can give you some direction.
What I did was tell mt family doctor about it and was referred to a psychiatrist and I also sought out counselling (I was broke so I found free counseling) and I went and talked to them as well. I find if I can not confide in family or friends, their is strangers, a family doctor or counselor. Holding it in only makes it worse and talking about helps free you. I am happy you opened up and shared, good for you, it is a start.


Thank you. I actually told my doctor because I was at my breaking point. My first therapy appt is the end of may, so have a little while to wait.

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thank you, your words mean a lot.


Life can be funny some times, right? There you are, opening your heart and not expecting a reply, and here I am, along with others, replying to your message to let you know that you matter.
I do hope this makes you feel better in a way, to know that you’re surely not alone in this.

Take some time to breathe and acknowledge that maybe those feelings you have of people leaving you might be wrong, talk to someone and try to see it from another perspective.

I wish you the best, with all my heart.


I am hearing that the last 9 years have been overwhelmingly difficult for you. You have been grieving the loss of your mother, suffering with suicidal ideation, struggling to get through school…

That is a heavy load. I am relieved to hear that along the way that you’ve had help carrying some of the weight by supportive friends and family. It also sounds like you care about them a great deal. Your heart really comes through in your words.

You mention that you are anxious about what’s next.

It is completely normal to worry about what’s next. In a perfect world where everything goes as expected, it would be normal to worry about the next step.

One thing that really sticks out to me is that you have been in college for six years, you changed majors a couple of times and you are graduating. Through your struggles, through the issues you were having… your changing life, you made changes and kept going. Wow! I am so proud of you!

You have worked so hard to graduate and that is happening.

Your brief summary of your life tells me that you are hard working, loved, loving, compassionate and just downright unrelenting in your drive to achieve what is in front of you.

The last 9 years, as you’ve said, haven’t been easy. While I cannot predict what your next 9 years are going to look like, I can tell you that there will be at least some challenges… that you will work hard, love hard, be loved, make decisions, change directions and have accomplishments. Just you being you, these things will happen.

I read that you have reached out and have a therapy appointment coming the end of next month. Congrats on that! Making an appointment is a huge step. I am very excited that you were able to find the strength to do this for you.

EllieRosse, you matter. Please keep reaching out… use this support wall, heartsupport live stream on twitch, crisis hot lines, therapy, talking with family and friends. Practice self care and self expression and whatever makes you feel good about you. You are worth it.

Maybe someday come back and make a post about what happened next. I would love to hear that story.


Hi Ellie! We responded to your post on stream today, I hope it helps:

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First of all I wanted to thank you for letting me hear your advice. I have watched a couple live videos with Goop and heart support, but didn’t expect to be blessed with your advice.
I changed from being unknown major, to computer science until I found it’s the language of the computer, to animal science. I did start doing applications to find a job outside of animal science.
I am getting help, I have my first therapy appt at the end of may, had to wait for health insurance to approve it.
I do have one person that helps, but I always get that feeling that i’m bugging her because she has a life outside of a friend.
Dan:I have not got help from life since school got in the way. I did try therapy at the school, but it seems that it’s kids getting there degree in therapy.
Casey: You hit the mark a lot. Your books sound interesting.
Claire: Structure is what I believe that helped me stay focused. Love your song, that was amazing.

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EllieRosse, I can’t say I understand your exact situation, but I do empathize with your frustration on what could possibly come next after college. I unfortunately have not finished college myself since I had my funding taken away (long story for another time), but when I was told that I wouldn’t be receiving anymore aid to continue my schooling I was completely devastated. That was back in late 2016 and I am still picking up the pieces of where to go and what to do in order to get my “professional” life together. I prayed and meditated constantly (still do), trying to receive what I can from God (or the Universe, whatever you wish to call it) as to listen to my inner compass on where to go. I have continually been pushed towards 2 things: you need to help people, and you need to write about what you witness in your life. The more I attune myself from within and seek that which truly ignites my inner passion, the more opportunities like this seem to make their way into my life.
You will find that the next steps in your life will always hold some amount of mystery to them, but trusting yourself and the movements of the Universe will lead you in the direction you need to go. I learned a phrase along the way that sticks with me and (at least from my experience with it so far) it has helped me stay calm in moving forward with life: “Prayer is when you talk to God; meditation is when God talks to you.” Pardon the long winded response, but meditation can be as simple as just laying in bed and stilling the constant flux of activity in your mind to be able to ease out that inner Peace so that it may further influence your outer Peace.
You are not alone, and you will always have someone here for you. Whether it is any friends you make along the way, your family, or us. You are not on this Earth by mistake, your spirit was bred out of Love.
I can only hope that things continue to get better as you, too, figure everything out while your journey continues. <3