Hello, I had previously posted te trauma thing but it deleted everything I had said first. I got really depressed and then decided to just do it again. But it doesn’t sound the same the second time. I’m starting to think maybe I just wasn’t meant to talk about it. Maybe it’s sfer to keep it to myself. I have shared the thing about my dad, but, that’s not the worst of it. So maybe I should just keep it to myself… When I tried writing the trauma again I couldn’t go through with it. It’s too hard to. So, maybe another time. One day I can talk about it without hesitation, but for now, I can’t talk about it more than once or I’m going to start wondering if I’m real again. Idk how to come to terms with it, but, I just want to be happy.
So I guess instead I’ll talk about what it’s done to me.
Because of the things that happened to me, I feel like I don’t deserve love. I’m lonely but I feel like I’ll never find anyone, friends, lovers, and hell a dog lol.I feel like I will forever be that one guy that will watch over you quietly adoring you but only to get friend zoned before I even get a chance. Taking care of you, but never a chance to be more. It’s always been like that for me because it’s hard to talk to people, ecspecialy ones I like, but given the things that have happened to me, I don’t think I will ever be able to be truly happy with someone, find love. I want to love, so bad. But I can’t trust anyone anymore. I don’t want to feel hatred, or hate anyone, but how am I supposed to protect myself from someone dangerous if I like them? Why do I even bother liking people? I know it leads to nowhere. I’ve never been in a relationship so why would it happen this time, is what I keep having to remind myself. So why bother. But I cant just stop liking them, I just can’t, my heart can’t do that, unless it decides to hate them instead. I guess I’m just lonely. Never kissed someone, never hugged someone romantically, held hands. Shit, I feel lik I’m gonna cry every time I think about that.
This is also affected friendships. I haven’t had a friend in 2-3 years because of everything that happened, I have liked that, but now I am getting lonely again, I’m scared of trusting people. I don’t beleive I should trust anyone. I’m trying to wake up my intuition again bc of how much it got fucked over from the last people. I have my headmates, but we don’t communicate all the time, and I want someone from the outside world to talk to.
I mentally and physically need a pet for my emotional health. Without one I am slowly going insane because of how much I am left alone with my thoughts, each day I feel like I might actually die, but I don’t, so I think I’ll be fine, but I feel like without an emotional support animal this is only going to get worse and worse, and one day i won’t be able to control it. Because that’s how I’m feeling more and more. If I just had a pet though, they could depend on me, and I could depend on them, I could a friend I could actually trust, one that loved and respected me, I guess what I’m saying again, is I need a friend. I know saying “I don’t have friends” sound like I’m a lame motherfucker, but no, just means I’m careful about the people I befriend. So I don’t trust easy I ignore most people but when I find that one person I get really happy around them, and get really dissapointed when I see that they hate me. That’s why I need a pet, they dont hate you. Theyre full of love, an thats how I tend to be with people I care about.
Another thing that trauma has done to me is created a hatred and fear of men. I’m still attracted to them but I hate that I am because I have grown to see most of them are disgusting. Anything that has testosterone cannot ever be completley trusted, I how I feel now. Being a man without testosterone, it makes me scared to take it when the time comes. I don’t want to end up like that.
My mom’s husband creeps me the fuck out now I’ve always hated him and wanted him to die but now I just want him to stop existing bc he’s so fucking creepy. Another reason I hate men. As well a how my dad’s in prison bc he’s disgusting scum.
As to what I do with these issues, I dont know yet. I think I’m able to handle it, but because my ADHD my mood swings cause me to forget where I am on my path, lose my save point and get depressed again. Bc I lost all that progress. So until I can figure out how to deal with that, o don’t think I will get any of the things I wish for in life. Haha… Shit…big sad ig. Gn guys. <3