Coming to terms with trauma

Hello, I had previously posted te trauma thing but it deleted everything I had said first. I got really depressed and then decided to just do it again. But it doesn’t sound the same the second time. I’m starting to think maybe I just wasn’t meant to talk about it. Maybe it’s sfer to keep it to myself. I have shared the thing about my dad, but, that’s not the worst of it. So maybe I should just keep it to myself… When I tried writing the trauma again I couldn’t go through with it. It’s too hard to. So, maybe another time. One day I can talk about it without hesitation, but for now, I can’t talk about it more than once or I’m going to start wondering if I’m real again. Idk how to come to terms with it, but, I just want to be happy.
So I guess instead I’ll talk about what it’s done to me.
Because of the things that happened to me, I feel like I don’t deserve love. I’m lonely but I feel like I’ll never find anyone, friends, lovers, and hell a dog lol.I feel like I will forever be that one guy that will watch over you quietly adoring you but only to get friend zoned before I even get a chance. Taking care of you, but never a chance to be more. It’s always been like that for me because it’s hard to talk to people, ecspecialy ones I like, but given the things that have happened to me, I don’t think I will ever be able to be truly happy with someone, find love. I want to love, so bad. But I can’t trust anyone anymore. I don’t want to feel hatred, or hate anyone, but how am I supposed to protect myself from someone dangerous if I like them? Why do I even bother liking people? I know it leads to nowhere. I’ve never been in a relationship so why would it happen this time, is what I keep having to remind myself. So why bother. But I cant just stop liking them, I just can’t, my heart can’t do that, unless it decides to hate them instead. I guess I’m just lonely. Never kissed someone, never hugged someone romantically, held hands. Shit, I feel lik I’m gonna cry every time I think about that.
This is also affected friendships. I haven’t had a friend in 2-3 years because of everything that happened, I have liked that, but now I am getting lonely again, I’m scared of trusting people. I don’t beleive I should trust anyone. I’m trying to wake up my intuition again bc of how much it got fucked over from the last people. I have my headmates, but we don’t communicate all the time, and I want someone from the outside world to talk to.
I mentally and physically need a pet for my emotional health. Without one I am slowly going insane because of how much I am left alone with my thoughts, each day I feel like I might actually die, but I don’t, so I think I’ll be fine, but I feel like without an emotional support animal this is only going to get worse and worse, and one day i won’t be able to control it. Because that’s how I’m feeling more and more. If I just had a pet though, they could depend on me, and I could depend on them, I could a friend I could actually trust, one that loved and respected me, I guess what I’m saying again, is I need a friend. I know saying “I don’t have friends” sound like I’m a lame motherfucker, but no, just means I’m careful about the people I befriend. So I don’t trust easy I ignore most people but when I find that one person I get really happy around them, and get really dissapointed when I see that they hate me. That’s why I need a pet, they dont hate you. Theyre full of love, an thats how I tend to be with people I care about.

Another thing that trauma has done to me is created a hatred and fear of men. I’m still attracted to them but I hate that I am because I have grown to see most of them are disgusting. Anything that has testosterone cannot ever be completley trusted, I how I feel now. Being a man without testosterone, it makes me scared to take it when the time comes. I don’t want to end up like that.
My mom’s husband creeps me the fuck out now I’ve always hated him and wanted him to die but now I just want him to stop existing bc he’s so fucking creepy. Another reason I hate men. As well a how my dad’s in prison bc he’s disgusting scum.
As to what I do with these issues, I dont know yet. I think I’m able to handle it, but because my ADHD my mood swings cause me to forget where I am on my path, lose my save point and get depressed again. Bc I lost all that progress. So until I can figure out how to deal with that, o don’t think I will get any of the things I wish for in life. Haha… Shit…big sad ig. Gn guys. <3

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From: Ashley- (Discord)

Hi friend, thank you so much for sharing with us. Sharing about trauma and how it impacts you is so incredibly brave and it takes a lot to do so. I want you to know that you are not alone in your feelings.

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Hey there.

It’s a late response here, but: thank you so much for using that space as a way to try to open up about your traumas. It’s such a huge, brave and important step that you’ve been doing. I’m so sorry that your first draft was lost though. It sucks when technology and unfortunate “details” like these have such an impact. It really is a matter of the wrong thing happening at the wrong time, which is incredibly frustrating.

I want to encourage you to not see it as a sign of anything though. This kind of thing happen, unfortunately. But it doesn’t say anything about you, your story or your right to use your voice. It’s understandable though that it made you feel discouraged from reaching out. Traumas are difficult to talk about, because while doing so, it feels like opening some old wounds as if they were still created while we speak. It makes the pain more present, and putting words on our experiences can make it more real suddenly, which is overwhelming.

Know that it’s okay to do things at your own pace. Somehow, being aware of your limits is part of the process of learning how to share about your struggles. It’s also a way to empower yourself, to make decisions for you unlike what was done to you before. You have control over the conditions - when, what, how - you need to set in order to speak. These conditions will always be respected here. No rush. No stress. No obligation. We are here and we’ll still be here whenever you are ready to disclose more of what you need to.

Because of the things that happened to me, I feel like I don’t deserve love. I’m lonely but I feel like I’ll never find anyone, friends, lovers, and hell a dog lol.I feel like I will forever be that one guy that will watch over you quietly adoring you but only to get friend zoned before I even get a chance. Taking care of you, but never a chance to be more. It’s always been like that for me because it’s hard to talk to people, ecspecialy ones I like, but given the things that have happened to me, I don’t think I will ever be able to be truly happy with someone, find love.

It makes sense to feel that way. Traumas, especially ones that were caused because of someone’s behavior or words, are a wound of betrayal. Your trust in others was shaken. So automatically, it gets hard to trust any other human being. Also to see your worth beyond what was desmonstrated to you during the most painful times of your life. How you feel is valid, friend. It makes sense. It’s absolutely not uncommon to feel that way while dealing with past traumas. The good news being with this reality that how you feel isn’t necessarily true, but the reflection of your pain. There is a logic behind. And understanding this logic will help you to distinguish what is the result of your traumas, and what is the reality as it is beyond your own experiences.

This is also affected friendships. I haven’t had a friend in 2-3 years because of everything that happened, I have liked that, but now I am getting lonely again, I’m scared of trusting people. I don’t beleive I should trust anyone. I’m trying to wake up my intuition again bc of how much it got fucked over from the last people.

Yes, it is frustrating. And it will take time to learn to trust again. Trust is sacred. And when you were hurt before, the world itself can feel like a giant minefield. Unsafe, insecure, full of obstacles and dangers. It takes time to learn to find a sense of safety again, and that include finding safety in others.

You are not your traumas though. I’m sorry for what happened to you. I’m sorry you were hurt before. Not everyone is like them though. And not everyone is going to hurt you. At best, these experiences will help you to be more aware of red flags when that is needed. You will be able to grow and be more resilient, despite those painful experiences.

I mentally and physically need a pet for my emotional health.

That would be awesome. And what a beautiful way to give love and receive love - something intermediate between your headmates and other ohumans beings. Animals have this incredible capacity to give unconditional love. They don’t need us to be a certain way. They don’t put condition to give a cuddle. They embrace our presence, no matter what.

It’s a beautiful idea that you have there. And if you can apply to have one, I’d strongly encourage you to do so. Especially if it’s your intuition speaking. Deep inside, you know and feel something that could be absolutely GOOD for you. I you can, go for it, friend. It’s okay.

I know saying “I don’t have friends” sound like I’m a lame motherfucker, but no, just means I’m careful about the people I befriend.

You have the absolute right to be careful. Being hurt and traumatized puts us in a state of being on our guard almost constantly. Again, this makes totally sense. It doesn’t make you a bad person or someone complaining. Only a human being trying to figure out how to create connections that would be healing instead of damaging. After being hurt, it’s more than reasonable to be patient and not head down without thinking of the possible outcomes.

That’s why I need a pet, they dont hate you. Theyre full of love, an thats how I tend to be with people I care about.

Absolutely. You’ve nailed it!

Another thing that trauma has done to me is created a hatred and fear of men. I’m still attracted to them but I hate that I am because I have grown to see most of them are disgusting. Anything that has testosterone cannot ever be completley trusted, I how I feel now.

I understand that very much, at a personal level. Some types of experiences make us feel weary of a specific gender. It’s been really hard for me to learn to be comfortable with men as well. To be alone with a man in a room without having a panic attack. To not feel like any man would just be interested in having an inappropriate behavior. I know it’s unfair of me and an unrealistic thought. But it’s how it feels. It’s the fear of being hurt once again that speaks. It’s not necessarily rational. It’s only at the image of the depth of the pain that was caused.

As to what I do with these issues, I dont know yet. I think I’m able to handle it, but because my ADHD my mood swings cause me to forget where I am on my path, lose my save point and get depressed again. Bc I lost all that progress.

Do you try to track your and your headmates thoughts on a journal? Or significant events, realizations, etc. It could be interesting to do so. Just in order to have a physical and tangible tool to use when you need to be reminded of that path of yours. :hrtlegolove:

Thank you for your trust once again. It’s okay if you don’t know yet what to do with all of this. It takes time. And the very first step is to start to speak and name things just as you do. Well done, friend. You’re on the right path. :hrtlegolove:

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