Comping to grips with another instance of death

This is my first topic here on HeartSupport and its one that is no stranger to me. Yet again I am faced with another family member in the midst of knocking on deaths door. Our family has lost quite a few people in the past couple years, my father being one of them in 2017. I knew that was coming, I think we all did. His demons overtook him and he died a couple days short of my birthday. I went to therapy and overcame the grief and constant feeling of guilt. I wasn’t the greatest daughter, and he wasn’t the best father, but I’d like to think that we both came to terms and thought ’ Well, we tried.’ Kind of funny to think in that sense, just proves how alike we were.
Now, my Aunt is dying of all sorts of cancer. First it was bone cancer, then it progressed into her organs and we think she has about 6 months left. She wont ask her doctors, and they wont tell her unless she asks. She raised me. I love her. The family loves her and it is unbearable to think this kind, unique human has to suffer. She always has in life and now dealing with mortality staring her in the face tops the cake.

I wish it were me.
Life isn’t fair.
I just don’t understand it.

All I can do is take it one day at a time and try to spend as much time I can with her. I never thought my aunts death would impact me more than my own father. That is just so terrible.

Thank you for letting me speak, I normally don’t partake in these things but I figured I would try it out.


First of all, thank you for partaking in this thing :slight_smile: Never thought it will help too, but here i am, reading and writing to you.

Life is always cruel and not fair. But it doesn’t mean that there are no good things to find. God, we can fly to Mars, but still cannot (or don’t want to) delevlop a cure for cancer and end people suffering! My mother-in-law suffer from breast cancer. She goes for a 3 day trip every month to make all the treatment. And it won’t heal, it just gives a delay. You are right, in such a situation we need to spent more time with our family and make their life a bit better. It’s all we can do…

Please, do not punish yourself, it is not your fault.

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Thank you for being here, @RissyRaptor77x . Even if it’s with a heavy heart, know that it’s an honor to read what you have to say.

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad but also that your aunt is fighting against multiple cancers. I have no doubt that she’s very strong and brave through all of this, also that you try your best to support her and enjoy the time you can spend together.

For what it’s worth, there’s a lot of things in your message that are relatable to me. I lost my brother in 2017 from a rare disease which progression was aggressive. He passed away quickly after his diagnosis and we didn’t have a proper goodbye. I felt and still sometimes feel a lot of guilt around that situation, especially because I feel like I wasn’t a “good” sister while he was alive - not present, not listening, not supportive enough. I wish I could exchange my place with him, because he was such a generous and kind soul that his sudden death doesn’t make any sense. Those feelings are part of grief, you know that too well. It’s a turmoil, and there’s just so many mixed emotions at once, emotions that keep coming on and off like waves we don’t really control.

After his disappearance, I heard a lot of stupid things said in my family - not close family, just all those people we never hear about except for funerals. You know… platitudes that happen to be more hurtful than anything. So I’m not going to do the same, to lie to you and pretend that I know everything, because I don’t. And I am aware that words are not enough in such circumstances. But at least, I want to encourage you to be gentle with yourself in times to come.

Whatever emotions you might feel, it’s okay to feel those. Acknowledge how you feel, talk about it or try some journaling eventually, if you feel the need to. But keep in mind that there is no wrong or right way to feel about those things. Feeling lost is part of this messy and deep process of finding comfort and meaning, of focusing on what is essential during a time that doesn’t make any sense. The essential being, for your aunt and yourself, the time you can still spend together, the love you can still share, the words you can still say to each other. Those are gifts, both for you and her. And it will stay with you in the future. It will be an anchor to hold on to.

You know, a couple of days ago I was crying my soul out because there are things happening these days that are bringing me back to my brother’s disappearance. I started to feel in pain and spiral again about not being a good sister to him. But then I read back some of our past conversations on Skype. I realized that we actually had this discussion and he responded that I helped him more than I thought. I totally forgot about this. That’s just how deep the pain, mixed with guilt, can bring us. Reading those words again was an incredible reminder. I cherish the words we shared, the moments we had. It gives me strength. By sharing this, my point is that I wish with all my heart that, during the time your aunt and you will have together, and despite the uncertainties and worries about her health, you’ll manage to break any kind of discomfort to share the love and words you both need.

I agree with you, life isn’t fair and there is something absolutely frightening in that statement. There’s so many things we can’t control that just don’t make any sense. Though what we can do, as human beings, is to make sure that we use the gifts that are at our disposal to love and be loved, as much as possible and for the time that is given to us. Your aunt and you share something that no one else will ever have. What were the odds for you and her to know each other, for doing life together? Besides its frightening sides and all the unanswered questions, life has also this magical way to connect us to people who have a deep and loving impact on our life. With our time, our heart, we can honor them in many ways. Your relationship with your aunt is unique, the love you have for each other too. It’s beautiful. It’s something that no disease on earth will ever be able to take away from you. Never. The uniqueness of that love is part of you, part of her, and it will keep being a strength for both of you, especially during those difficult times.

Please be gentle with yourself friend. As you said: one day at a time. And whenever you need to talk or share what’s on your heart, we - as a community - are here for you as well - even if it’s only to listen, that’s okay too. I know safe places to talk are rare when it’s about grief or words that tend to scare people, such as “cancer”. But know this forum is a safe place to talk about those things. There’s no fear, no taboo, no judgment. Only love.

You are not alone.

I’m sending hugs to you. :hrtlegolove:

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Thank you Mike. I do know that as well, sometimes I let the best of my emotions get the better of me. I have had so many people reach out and just taking it one day at a time is all that we can do at this moment! So, again I thank you so much for your kind words!


You know, I didn’t think I would get any sort of reply on here. This community is amazing and I cant tell you how much this means to me.

Alittle Update:
In the past couple days I got a small tattoo for her right above my heart. She loves Snoopy and Woodstock so I decided to just get a very simple, elegant permanent piece of something that I can always hold dear for when that time comes. I have also substantially cut out drinking. My mental state has drastically improved and I have been working out and running again with tons more energy. Positive vibes all around! Other than the state shutting down gyms again. Boo.

Thank you so much for giving me insight into your personal life and helping me with your kind words. I hope to be a positive energy and guiding light to those who struggle just like you.

Thank you <3



Thank you so much for the update!

And… just wow. That is truly awesome. And so good to hear! Cutting out drinking is indeed a major move, and what a way to treat yourself well! As for running and working out: this is SO important for our mental health, and just the way we deal with our emotions. Good for you, really. I hope you’re proud of yourself.

I always wanted to do a tattoo as well as a way to honor my brother but never dared to. You inspire me to get rid of those unnecessary thoughts and fears that are preventing me to do so. Might start to think about a design in times to come. It is such a beautiful way to keep someone close to us. And… Snoopy and Woodstock, that’s the absolute dopeness! Your aunt has very good tastes! Love it so much. <3

Keep doing great. I wish you the best. Sincerely, <3

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