Thank you for being here, @RissyRaptor77x . Even if it’s with a heavy heart, know that it’s an honor to read what you have to say.
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad but also that your aunt is fighting against multiple cancers. I have no doubt that she’s very strong and brave through all of this, also that you try your best to support her and enjoy the time you can spend together.
For what it’s worth, there’s a lot of things in your message that are relatable to me. I lost my brother in 2017 from a rare disease which progression was aggressive. He passed away quickly after his diagnosis and we didn’t have a proper goodbye. I felt and still sometimes feel a lot of guilt around that situation, especially because I feel like I wasn’t a “good” sister while he was alive - not present, not listening, not supportive enough. I wish I could exchange my place with him, because he was such a generous and kind soul that his sudden death doesn’t make any sense. Those feelings are part of grief, you know that too well. It’s a turmoil, and there’s just so many mixed emotions at once, emotions that keep coming on and off like waves we don’t really control.
After his disappearance, I heard a lot of stupid things said in my family - not close family, just all those people we never hear about except for funerals. You know… platitudes that happen to be more hurtful than anything. So I’m not going to do the same, to lie to you and pretend that I know everything, because I don’t. And I am aware that words are not enough in such circumstances. But at least, I want to encourage you to be gentle with yourself in times to come.
Whatever emotions you might feel, it’s okay to feel those. Acknowledge how you feel, talk about it or try some journaling eventually, if you feel the need to. But keep in mind that there is no wrong or right way to feel about those things. Feeling lost is part of this messy and deep process of finding comfort and meaning, of focusing on what is essential during a time that doesn’t make any sense. The essential being, for your aunt and yourself, the time you can still spend together, the love you can still share, the words you can still say to each other. Those are gifts, both for you and her. And it will stay with you in the future. It will be an anchor to hold on to.
You know, a couple of days ago I was crying my soul out because there are things happening these days that are bringing me back to my brother’s disappearance. I started to feel in pain and spiral again about not being a good sister to him. But then I read back some of our past conversations on Skype. I realized that we actually had this discussion and he responded that I helped him more than I thought. I totally forgot about this. That’s just how deep the pain, mixed with guilt, can bring us. Reading those words again was an incredible reminder. I cherish the words we shared, the moments we had. It gives me strength. By sharing this, my point is that I wish with all my heart that, during the time your aunt and you will have together, and despite the uncertainties and worries about her health, you’ll manage to break any kind of discomfort to share the love and words you both need.
I agree with you, life isn’t fair and there is something absolutely frightening in that statement. There’s so many things we can’t control that just don’t make any sense. Though what we can do, as human beings, is to make sure that we use the gifts that are at our disposal to love and be loved, as much as possible and for the time that is given to us. Your aunt and you share something that no one else will ever have. What were the odds for you and her to know each other, for doing life together? Besides its frightening sides and all the unanswered questions, life has also this magical way to connect us to people who have a deep and loving impact on our life. With our time, our heart, we can honor them in many ways. Your relationship with your aunt is unique, the love you have for each other too. It’s beautiful. It’s something that no disease on earth will ever be able to take away from you. Never. The uniqueness of that love is part of you, part of her, and it will keep being a strength for both of you, especially during those difficult times.
Please be gentle with yourself friend. As you said: one day at a time. And whenever you need to talk or share what’s on your heart, we - as a community - are here for you as well - even if it’s only to listen, that’s okay too. I know safe places to talk are rare when it’s about grief or words that tend to scare people, such as “cancer”. But know this forum is a safe place to talk about those things. There’s no fear, no taboo, no judgment. Only love.
You are not alone.
I’m sending hugs to you.