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Complete Rage (Possible TW)

I’m here again. This time because craft and cooking and grounding are not fucking working. I’m so pissed off right now I can’t even stop shaking. All the shit being piled on me just made me blow tf up because my children’s screams made me jump and drop my phone in a tub full of water. It was like the moment the phone hit the water, everything I have sitting at the back of my mind so that I could refused to become invested in the bullshit finally exploded from me. I just spent about an hour just yelling, then moved forward into just ready to leave my house forever or calling child services on myself so they can take my kids.

I’m that pissed at this point that my hands are hurting so badly because I can’t punch anything. I literally just had to bring my shaking hands to my keyboard because I want to flip out, but physically this time. Like it’s taking me a minute not to think about just going into self harm so that I am not thinking of hurting anyone else, including the people I love. I feel all the bones in my body trembling. And I’m fresh out of tears and fucks.

I even just took a minute to breathe because I am so mad, listened to and sung to music from my depression playlist to swoop to a low of sadness so it was pure anger, but I am still mad and I am definitely going to overthink this for the rest of the night. And I am still in the middle of a rage trying to hold the rest in.

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Wow! That sounds like a super rough time. Sometimes it’s like waiting for a storm to pass, except you are the storm. Sometimes I exercise to the point of exhaustion, just to relax and release the tension.

Your phone might recover. I’ve dropped mine into a mud puddle before. After drying out for a day, and a reboot, it was fine. Now, I sometimes imagine I’m going to throw it into the ocean.

Put your hand on your heart and take a couple of slow, deep breaths.

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Well the good news is I just about ready for sleep. I cleaned the kitchen, swept, did part of my cross-stitching, and finished my first puzzle. The first things I did end up doing rubbing my entire face and ears aggressively in a circular motion, took a million deep breathes, and felt a little regretful for yelling at my kids. So I went up started some music and singing the music. Then I came down and did all those other things. I just am upset because I’m exhausted and I asked my children to keep it down, no fighting, and that I was going to try to relax. They did the total opposite which boiled my blood with the things stirred in the pot. I just feel I need an unscheduled, no time limit, relaxing vacation far from everyone.

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I see losing your temper like vomiting. None of us enjoys it, but sometimes there’s so much shit in your system that you don’t have a choice. After you get past the shaking, sweating, and wanting to cry, you sink into exhaustion. When the exhaustion passes, you’re renewed.

You’ve had a lot on your plate lately. You never stopped having a lot on your plate, but it’s just been getting worse and worse. I hate seeing life throwing all that at you, but you’re strong enough now to handle the extra bullshit that just a few months (or was it a year?) ago wouldn’t have even come your way because you had so much other bullshit going on. Even the strongest people collapse though. They don’t want to, but when it comes to it they don’t have a say in the matter. Strength is getting back up and carrying on. I know that’s what you’ll do, as tired as you are. I hope you can plan some self-care soon, but I also know that as tired as you get, you won’t give up.

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Your words really helped me because I made a mom mood chart for my children to see and I mark whether I am angry, mad, sad, okay, or happy. Of course last night was angry, and today I woke up and immediately marked mad because I am truly still mad, not so much at my children. I am just mad and I haven’t felt like being bothered. I did work today and it was slow (thank god!) and I replied to my sister and best friend that I’m okay even though I am not. I just rather not argue with anyone if I say what I want to say to each person. Now this deep into the day I’ve just shut down and stopped responding because I feel myself getting heated looking at my phone. So my phone is in DND and even my Facebook is in DND. I’m cross stitching, getting ready to start my food, an d then smoke, eat, and watch a movie. I just don’t feel like being bothered with anyone in my life right now. Now regardless of that I am still dealing with my children because they are my responsibly and my mom because she knows everything and the only person I can talk to right now. I have therapy on Thursday and I personally can’t wait.

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