Tired of sugar coating it. Done trying to be in denial. I am alone. I have marks that will never go away. Some marks old, some recent. Marks made by people supposed to protect me, but who have issues of their own, leading to said marks. These people need help, not retribution. Doesn’t matter the marks I’ve made. They only blend in with the others. And the story is always the same. No one believes me, no one helps, no one prevents the next set of marks.
I have a better understanding of how I am than I have ever had my entire life. The understanding has provided enlightenment, but no relief, no ease. I live in fear. Of Everything. I always will. This is a hell that has only gotten worse. 7 different shrinks, 9 different medications, and no help. Everyone keeps telling me to try a new shrink, get on new drugs. F you. Seriously, f you. How dare you belittle my experience. How dare you say that I haven’t tried. How dare you put this on me. The problem is not how I feel, the problem is that I’m right. No one cares, it doesn’t matter, nothing matters, and I will be forgotten.
All I keep thinking are the same three things:
Nobody is happy, they’re only distracted.
It is selfish and wrong to force someone to continue suffering when there is no hope.
If I had been able to go through with it when I was 9, all this pain would have been prevented.
I conclude by misquoting Dennis Miller:
“Of course that’s just my opinion, but I’m never wrong.”
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Friend, I’m sorry you are going through so much hurt right now. And I’m sorry that you have had to go through so many shrinks and medications with such little luck.
I don’t know the people who talk to you, but I definitely won’t disregard the experience you have had to deal with. I know from my own experiences that finding the right therapist and psychiatrist is not an easy task. Nor is finding the right medication. I’ve gone through plenty of therapists. But I did finally find one that I feel comfortable with. Medication is a battle. Especially since it’s takes 4-6 weeks for them to even work. And then if they don’t, you have to start all over again. It’s hell and it’s maddening. So I hear you. It sucks. It really does. So I don’t blame you for feeling angry. Getting better and getting well takes a lot of time, dedication and patience and sometimes those things don’t come easily.
Happiness…I used to believe that it didn’t exist. For most of my 33 years I was trapped in unhappiness. Thrown through years of abuse and toxic relationships and I used to wonder if there was a god, how these things could happen. I was sure that happiness just doesn’t exist. That it was fake. So I understand that too. That you would say people are only distracted. Because being lost in pain for so long can really begin to mess with you.
Happiness does exist. It does. But it doesn’t just happen. We have to fight for ourselves. And that’s not easy either. It’s hard. It took me a long time to take the steps I needed to get out of my toxic mindset and environment. I had to step outside of my element and into the unknown. I had to do things that I didn’t want to do. Things I was afraid to do. And it was the most terrifying thing of my life.
But you know what? I was able to start to experience what happiness could feel like. This doesn’t mean that I don’t battle depression. And it doesn’t mean that I don’t need my therapist and all of the different medications I take. But they are all there to help keep me balanced. And THAT is okay. Nobody is PERFECTLY happy. Nobody. We all have our hurts and our pains. We just gotta find the things that bring us comfort and peace. We have to turn to things that we can find joy in. That feels good. Even if only temporarily. We still have to try to fill ourselves with people and things that are healthy and bring us encouragement and strength.
Sometimes we have to learn how to bring that for ourselves. It’s hard but you do not have to go at it alone okay? I know things may feel like utter crap right now. But I’m telling you that you are important. You matter. How you feel right now matters. Your feelings are valued.
I hope that you are able to find some peace my friend. We’re strangers but I care for you. And I truly hope you can find peace within yourself.
Hold fast
Thank you for the response and your kind words of encouragement. I am very glad to hear of your success, but sad to hear what it took for you to find it.
I have told my wife I will try one more shrink, but only if they answer a question first:
Is suicide ever the best possible option for someone?
The answer I need to hear is yes. I feel it would be a waste of time if the shrink doesn’t believe this. What’s the point in discussing a possibility if they don’t accept it as one?
Suicide is never the best option.
Perhaps you should discuss why you feel this is true and what made you come to feel that way. And then start working on maybe changing your mind set about it.
Good luck my friend. I hope that you are able to find a therapist that works for you.