I love my family and I vowed to live for them. However I’ve been depressed and suicidal since 13 after a 5 yr bad experience with being molested. Now life is more stressful and my dark thoughts won’t leave. I keep wanting to die I don’t seem to care about anything anymore. I don’t want to hurt those I love but at the same time when I’m being taken granted for and controlled. I feel like death is my freedom. Omg but my kids and family I just can’t leave them. Heart says stay head says die or Lord help me
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My impression is that you’re still carrying the effects of your childhood trauma. At that time, you were not in control and helpless. Is it possible that at this time, “being taken granted for and controlled,” may be triggering the same feelings that you are experiencing as a helpless child? Maybe, the dark thoughts won’t leave because not being in control triggers them?
It’s very typical for families to take each other for granted and at times have suffocating expectations of each other. You have a unique need to feel a sense of autonomy, and that you’re caring for your family because you choose to do so rather than simply because they expect it. You need the freedom to tell them “no” sometimes. It’s okay to explain to them how you need for them to treat you. It’s not an unreasonable request, and it may actually help everyone communicate better.
Death is not freedom, because it ends your freedom to be alive.
Your heart says stay! Keep listening to your heart, as it’s the most pure essence of who you are.
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