Confronted with my friends death

A few years ago my middle school best friend died of suicide, today I got confronted with it again.

We had a complicated relationship, but she was my friend.
When I found out that she died, I was already in a bad place, and it did not help that I blamed myself for her decision. She tried to reach out to me, but I told her I don’t have time, but I just didn’t want to see her because out of nowhere I remembered all the things she did to me before we became friends, and I was angry at her.

I couldn’t stop thinking about what would have happened if I would have met with her that week, as she requested.

I am at peace with it now, but toady I was confronted with it again.
A mutual friend asked me today if it´s true that she died, and I had to confirm that.

I´m not sure how to react to everything that happened today, and I can’t stop thinking about her.

I don’t know what to do.

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Hey @fiji,

I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. Just remember that it’s not your fault. Remember the happy time you had with her. We’re here for you if you need us!


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It is not your fault. It was their choice. Forgive yourself for any guilt you hold because their decision was not on you.

Here for you!


Life is full of times when looking back in 20/20, we wish we could have changed things. I’ve also had a similar experience to you and I remember wishing so hard I could have been there to stop it.

But suicide is not anyone’s fault. You remember her as a friend and I am sure she remembered you as a friend and you must go on celebrating the great memories y’all had together. Time heals so much so just keep moving forward and don’t ever hesitate to reach out to others when you’re feeling down!


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My ex boyfriend of 4 years took his life a year ago. The pain for a while was desperately agonizing. I wasn’t sure how to feel, how I could continue on my whole life knowing he is gone. It’s never going to stop stinging, but it does get easier. I promise you. Time makes things easier. The pain will never be completely gone, but it’s okay to feel. It’s okay to cry about it, and to think about your friend. It’s okay to hurt. It’s normal. Just cherish the time you had with them, write down memories so you don’t forget them. A quote that really helped me a year ago is “You cannot save people, you can only love them.” I feel you, and I understand. Embrace the pain, but don’t let it drown you. You have to keep going.

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I lost my best friend in a car accident about a year and a half ago. Not quite similar situations, but I understand your pain. The strange thing was is I felt like it was my fault even though by no circumstances it could possibly be my fault- I wasn’t in either car so I had no control over the situation, but I meant to reach out to her the day before she died and I thought that maybe if I had the circumstances would have changed, but I think we all know nothing would change that. I think we take it on ourselves when bad things happen to people we love, as my therapist has told me though- you can’t stop someone from committing suicide. If they really want to do it, they will. It’s hard to hear and to accept because we as humans constantly feel like we can change circumstances when sometimes we can’t. All you can do is love someone whole heartedly and hope it’ll have some affect. I think it’s important you cherish your time together. It’s hard because grief is so different for everyone. It takes years to deal with, especially when there is a substantial amount of guilt combined with it. Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling and continue to talk about it. Don’t bottle up your feelings, but I promise you- it’s not your fault and you’re not alone in the way you feel.