Since the break up I wake up every morning crying. It doesn’t feel real, im grieving. But I’ve also got other things, bigger concerns I have distracting me right now. I can see things he searches up, he’s made 3 dating apps, he’s been looking at women. Nothing about missing me or trying to get back with me. (Not that I want that) it’s just im confused. Was he really the person he showed he was or was I being fooled? I’ve been treated by men quite badly and im starting to think it’s my fault because I don’t put my foot down hard enough because of my fear of abandonment. I guess I just want someone to tell me im okay, and that it wasn’t my fault for being so loving. I feel so silly, I would never blame anyone for having such a big heart. I’m so hard on myself
Dearest @Missunderstood,
It was not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you as a person. Nothing wrong with the way you feel right now either. Nothing wrong with your expectations. You’re in the middle of a very difficult loss, which in itself brings a lot of thoughts and makes you question almost everything. That makes sense, it’s okay if it’s there, but through it all please never make any conclusion against yourself. You absolutely deserve to be loved and feel loved, in a respectful and whole manner.
After a breakup or loss of any kind, people react and process differently. Some people act as if nothing happened, others feel like they are stuck in freeze. Seeing something very differently happening on his side though, for your situation, can be of course very upsetting and hurtful at first. Because you are in pain, you expected at least to see a sign that it affects him too. Again, that makes sense. Although ultimately, we don’t know how he feels. Maybe he is over your relationship and breakup, maybe he has a hard time and deals with it by looking after someone else. Every scenario is possible, which is why seeing this behavior with a distance makes it very complex, and potentially triggers painful questions.
In no way I would ever tell you what to do – this comes from a place of care and wanting for you to grieve as you need. If I may ask, have you considered the possibility to not follow him on socials anymore? To not look after what he does, who he spends time with, what he says, etc. I know it’s a very hard question and option to consider though. It’s not easy to “let go” – even I wish there was an easy response for this. It’s just that to keep looking after what he does can definitely contribute to make you feel more in pain, or stuck, or even to doubt the decisions made. It may reactivate those thoughts and doubts over and over.
When we are hurting, we can easily be hard on ourselves. But that’s when friends, family or anyone we trust can be present and remind us of our worth. You are truly deserving of love and care. Maybe in the future you will find yourself loving differently. Maybe not. But there will be a time when these answers will come more clearly to you. For now, there is this raw pain that can also blur your perception. It may be a time for feeling and healing first, then will come a time to meditate on what happened and lead your conclusions on it.
Through it all – regardless of how you love, of who you are, of your relationship status, you have worth and you matter so very much. I’m thankful that you reach out in this community during this difficult season of your life. I see you and am rooting for you. 
It’s amazing how a stranger can make you things people closest to you can’t, your words have showered me with positivity and it gives me hope that there are good people on this world. That I’m okay.
I have considered to not have anything to do with him in my life, I guess I’m scared of letting go fully? He wasn’t just anyone we went through a lot of life challenges together. But I just wasn’t enough or ‘worth’ fighting for in his eyes. You’re right, I need to fully let go. I want someone loving me and understanding me when I am triggered. Someone who doesn’t search for other woman whilst having me. I need to raise my standards.
I’m just mad I’m hurt again that’s all. I thought he’d never hurt me.
But I have faith, I will find the love I deserve. Just gotta go through some tears and I will rise.
Thank you for your encouragement and kind words
Thank you for making me laugh. I guess it’s life telling me to do exactly what you’ve mentioned. Not seek for someone because to loneliness. I need to give that security to myself first.
I have a lot of inner work to do. I shall use this anger and hurt to battle my way through it.
I’m ready to love me fully