Confused, Worried and Feeling So Alone. Tw Suicidal Thoughts

[Aleister]

So last month on the 20th of July i went into the hospital for suicidal thoughts, it was probably one of the most serious times because i was seriously considering it. Like that night i would have swallowed pills and ended it all. But i didn’t clearly but after i got out of the hospital, i felt more alone than ever…

Im still so badly depressed that they had to push back when i go back to work, which normally doesn’t happen i usually take like a week off from being out of the hospital and go back. I guess im confused as to what’s different this time… am i like finally realizing how bad i really am? Or is it something deeper? They had to change several of my meds, and i just i feel so lost and just want to be normal.

Then im worried about work and still having a job after all of this, like i know i am handling everything correctly through my leave people. But still it’s making me so anxious and nervous , that i sometimes can’t think straight. Cause i really need this job, it gives me great benefits so that i can get the help i need.

And then i just feel alone , like so so alone. The people i would even remotely consider friends barely give me the time of day. And i get they are adults and have a life, but still like … check in on me. Respond to me when i ask if your doing okay, like i see them online and nothing. It makes me feel so much more isolated then i already am because relationships in general are so hard for me because of my Borderline Personality Disorder. An the people i do trust, im so scared to let it because what if they abandoned me like my so called “friends” have? What if they leave me because i’m to much? I honestly feel like i have never had a good friend, and it kills my soul. Because i just want someone i can count on , that at least says something if i check in on them.

All of this just makes me feel so worthless and hopeless because i feel like what’s the point of being around, if i don’t have anyone that cares if im here or not? Also sorry for the ramble , i just needed to get this out.

[YoungLordByron]

Hey Aleister (I LOVE your tattoo in your profile btw),

Thanks so much for reaching out here, and I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way.
I don’t have BPD, but in my job I support a lot of people with similar diagnoses to yourself, so I really hope that I’m able to speak a little bit of light into your situation.
You mention being confused about why it is taking you longer to be fit for work? If the hospital have changed some of your medication (and I don’t need to know what medication this is), then it makes a lot of sense as a professional to dissuade you from returning to work until you’ve had a chance to get used to the new dosage, especially if they’ve changed any benzos, anti-psychotic, or SRI medication.
I don’t know what your job is, but if you are genuinely, rationally worried about still having a job after all this, I strongly suggest contacting your union if you have one, and if not, joining a union. That way, if anything nasty does go down with your work, you have access to people who know employment law inside out and can help you.

The loneliness… that’s a tough one, friend, and made so much more difficult when you are feeling isolated by your diagnosis. One of the hardest things i found about transitioning from being ‘young’ to being a ‘regular ass adult’ is that people are SO MUCH BUSIER than they ever used to be. I care so deeply about my friends, but I can go WEEKS without messaging them back if I’m busy at work, or volunteering, or even just having a bad day. When we define friendships by how regularly we have contact with them, that can be incredibly scary because it can feel like everybody’s abandoning us.
Some might.
But the people who you ‘trust’? They are far more likely to want you to reach out, because you wouldn’t trust them if they hadn’t earned that in some way (I get that trust is probably really hard for you).

If a friend leaves you because you are ‘too much’, then they aren’t a friend, they are friends with an affected version of you. And real friends TELL YOU when you are being ‘too much’ and help you to be better. They will work with you to understand you, and will expect the same from you.

I urge you, if you feel able, please reach out to somebody you trust when you feel this shit, because the worst thing that can happen is that you are right. And if you already believe that they will leave you, you’re living with the same pain as if they actually had. But my hope is that you will be surprised, and find a bit more strength from interacting with people that you trust

Please know you can always reach out here, that I will be praying for you, and that you’ll have better days than today

I believe in you

[Ashwell]

Hi Aleister.
I wanted to thank you for sharing your thoughts with us and also I wanted to ask about something. I dont know if it is too personal but what about your family. Do you stay in touch or are you more distant. Family can be of great help in trying times like you have right know.

I also wanted to say to you that it is normal to feel weird after a medication change… it takes time for the new meds to take effect and for the old meds to lose effect.

I also wanted to ask about therapy. Have you tried it? It can work miracles.

Take care
-Ashwell

[Aleister]

No it’s not to personal , i actually have a really bad relationship with my family so they are kind of out of the question sadly. So i would go to them, but they would just make things worse. They are extremely toxic.

And yeah i see a therapist, I just haven’t talked to her recently about how i am feeling. This all kind of came crashing down today cause i had to much time to think. So my brain started to spiral with negative thoughts and now we are here.

[Ashwell]

I would try to talk to your therapist. They can provide you with some useful advice and maybe you can figure things out.

I am sorry about the family. It is realy bad when one cannot be supported by them and even worse when they are the ones putting us down.

If you feel really lonely and also would like some more therapy you might try group therapy… it is not for everyone but it can be really great…