Confusing & unwanted feelings!

[sidryza]

Hi heartsupport! This’ll be one of my lighter posts haha I’m just confused and dumb right now and would love some advice.

Recently, I reconnected with a good friend of mine after a falling-out. I love him very much as a friend and we’re happy where we are right now and I look forward to spending more time with him:)

The thing is, I get intrusive thoughts about him that I don’t at all want and am very uncomfortable with.
I also now can’t get him out of my thoughts, even ones that are wholly unrelated to him. I’m waiting for it to die down because I think I’m just excited to have my friend back. I was worried we’d never talk again and I missed him a LOT and I’m happy we’re hanging out again because GOD it’s been so lonely recently and it just felt nice to talk to him again.

I’ve had problems differentiating affectionate platonic feelings from a crush or romantic feelings before and I’m worried I’m going to ruin it all by being weird. He’s in a relationship and we like to talk about people we find attractive, and I’m worried that I’m attracted to him because when he talks about stuff like that with me I get these weirdass feelings that I can only describe as maybe, maybe jealousy? I feel SO gross about it and I’m worried it’ll make me manipulative or biased when I give him relationship advice or listen to him talk about his problems. I want to be a good friend to him, but what if I’m subconsciously manipulating everything??
I don’t think I like him like that because he isn’t the only person I’ve felt like this about. We’re affectionate people, so naturally, we’re very close and I like it a lot, but I think I’d actually be uncomfortable with anything beyond a friendship, but if that’s the case, why am I getting these weird unwanted feelings?
I often have trouble telling apart other emotions as well and have suspected alexithymia and I don’t even know if I’m attracted to men or not because I think I might be a lesbian or at LEAST homoromantic. I can be attracted to men, but I feel like I’m not really capable of romantic emotional intimacy with them, and dating one would just feel wrong, inside, y’know? I’ve tried to date guys and it just really did not work no matter how hard I try.

I think this entire situation is petty and stupid and I just want to be a good friend to him because it’s what he deserves yknow?? I love this guy he’s my homie!! But homies don’t get weird thoughts about homies :(((

[Mystrose]

Hello @sidryza

Welcome back! You know what thought came to mind after I read your post? You’re confused about your sexuality and the emotions and thoughts you’ve been experiencing might be part of the process of figuring it out. This is a time for discovery and growing, so I don’t think there is anything wrong with you at all.

It took me a long time to realize I was bi or pan (whatever argument you side with).

I don’t know if that was the support you needed, but it’s what came to my heart while I was reading.

[SheetMetalHead]

Hey, I get where you’re coming from. Thing is, homies can get weird thoughts about homies. Feelings/emotions are irrational. If they were rational, we could reason them away, and then we wouldn’t have them in the first place.

Having feelings isn’t really under your control, and isn’t really an issue. What’s important is how you handle them. You need to set clear boundaries for yourself and with him. As two affectionate people, boundaries may be challenging for you. You get to define what those boundaries are. I can relate. I’ve caught feelings for my platonic friends before, but I acknowledged those feelings and made decisions on how to handle them. Sometimes I’ve had to cut off those friendships, and other times I’ve put those friends on a strict off-limits list. Denying your feelings will only make them confusing and uncontrollable. When you acknowledge them, you can own them.

[sidryza]

I am pretty confused! It’s difficult to tell, but I think I’ve got a long time to figure it out, anyway, so I’m not worried or in any rush to find out. But it does suck that it makes stuff confusing in the meanwhile, haha. Sexuality is really weird and I’m sure one day I’ll figure it out- that day just is not today.
Thanks so much for replying:)

[sidryza]

Feels good to be understood:) I do struggle with boundaries, quite a lot, and I’ve never had a relationship that didn’t get messy because of that.
I think you’re right and that there should definitely be some boundaries established if this persists/gets in the way of our friendship. Thanks so much for sharing n helpin me feel less alone, even if this is some super high-school level stuff HAHAH

[anon14688970]

Hi!
I get that feeling of being confused about emotions, idk if it’s a sexuality thing but I do know my sexuality is very confused myself, but I mainly like guys so big gey.
I am a bit on the asexual spectrum as im demisexual and demiromantic so when it comes to loving someone its hard to tell if it’s platonic or romantic because my senses of love is just affection and understanding and the thought “I’ll be beside you through anything.”
To me love is just deeply caring about someone to that extent, whether you marry them or become their best man (or whatever u call that shit in weddings) or just be their sibling, all love is the same to me when it comes down to its purest form. So differentiating that feeling can be difficult sometimes. Though in general idk the difference between romantic and sensual emotions. I uh, I’mma try my best to help you with this doe ._.

What I do, when I have this problem, I try to categorize my affectionate emotions.
Since idk how to differentiate romantic and sensual emotions properly I’m just gonna try my best of how I see it:

Platonic affection: hugs and cuddles don’t cause any sort of adrenaline rush or fast heartbeat, I just feel a sense of pure love in my heart and a bit of euphoria. Just looking at them makes me feel content with existence and I wish the best for them and will protect them with my life even if it kills me. To me this is the truest form of love without needing chemical reactions.
Negative parts about this is I become depressed or scared if I do something wrong and fear the worst. Sometimes you can become jealous from this, but it’s mainly the “They hang out with their partner all the time” situation

Romantic affection: Any sort of reaction with them will make me happy but even seeing them makes me panic because my heartbeat goes through the roof and it’s super annoying because it makes me think imma bout to have a heart attack lmfao.
I guess not being able to get them out of your thoughts is part of this too, though some people dont have this issues if smart about it and block their empathy as well as avoiding that person in general.
Negative parts about this is I will start noticing I get depressed much more easily if doing something wrong. Which I have to keep an eye on.

Sensual affection: physical affection causes adrenaline rush, I guess this is where weird thoughts come in, all the “intrusive” thoughts, unless you mean they are purely intrusive. idk much about this one except adrenaline.¯_(.__.)/¯

I’m not gonna bother going into sexual affection because I strongly lack understanding in that which is why I’m confused about my sexuality most of the time.

I hope these help.

As for your friend, if you are rarely attracted to a man you may be experiencing a demi attraction or just one of those “two dudes in the hotub 5ft apart situation totally not thinking about eachothers-” because it happens.

If it does turn out to be a sort of attraction the best cure for that is distance and distractions. But if they aren’t a good friend of yours you could try scaring them, definetly don’t try that with a good friend XD

Idk if any of this helped ¯_(._____.)_/¯ but if it did, and you have more questions I would love to help

Hope you are able to figure it out ^~^
-X

[Mystrose]

@sidryza

Sexuality is really weird and I’m sure one day I’ll figure it out

You will and remember to use each experience until then as a learning and growing experience, not that something is wrong with you (or other people). No matter what you discover, you’ll always be accepted and loved here.