For starters, if anyone who reads this has tried to be supportive of me in my previous posts: I want to say thank you. I never honestly considered the fact that someone might actually respond. Maybe a thumbs up or a : hey I know how it feels. At most. But the last response took me by surprise and was quite frankly the first time in my whole life someone paid attention to what I was complaining about. Often I get the: it gets better-your not the only one-I’m sorry you feel that way- Type of thing. And never an actual full blown response, I have to admit it was a scary experience. I figured I’d post to let it out, maybe help someone by saying my thought process and so on.
I had a heck of a night last night. I nearly threw myself off my balcony. Once upon a time, when I had been a nurse four years ago, I had gone impatient due to being on call constantly, yet understaffed and the immense lack of resources and materials. I quit and decided to follow my dream into tourism and writing. And it all came rushing back to me, on how weak people thought I was for doing it. I was angry, I just wanted to be happy. The thing is, I realize now, because I wanted to do perfectly my job and didn’t have what it took to do it, I quit. So in a funny way my own perfectionism, caused me to quit… because I wasnt in a perfect environment? Its a bit confusing. But look at it this way: I wouldn’t of quit if I wasnt the only nurse for 22 patients with not nearly enough insulin and being called in last minute at 2 am because the other nurse fainted from exhaustion… I’m not a perfectionist, I’m a quitter. And I tortured myself over it last night.
It’s such a funny sensation, to hate yourself for not being good enough and then one day realizing that hate in fact made you weaker.
Funny enough. I don’t want to berate myself for it. I’m not sure why. It’s like being a child and discovering yourself again. It’s shameful
On the bright side, something horrible happened. Which is horrible. But I am proud of myself. My closest friend’s bird drowned. It was tragic, a mistake, a 4 minute mistake. She is completely heartbroken. But for the first time in my life, I felt like I could be there for her… but still go on in my day? If that make sense… in a way be helpful but not destroy myself for it…Not have TOO much empathy to a point where I self destruct. That played a role too when I was a nurse… But point is, I was there for her but later on in the day, something made me smile.
It felt like progress to me…