Confusion? Progress? Guilt? Thanks?

For starters, if anyone who reads this has tried to be supportive of me in my previous posts: I want to say thank you. I never honestly considered the fact that someone might actually respond. Maybe a thumbs up or a : hey I know how it feels. At most. But the last response took me by surprise and was quite frankly the first time in my whole life someone paid attention to what I was complaining about. Often I get the: it gets better-your not the only one-I’m sorry you feel that way- Type of thing. And never an actual full blown response, I have to admit it was a scary experience. I figured I’d post to let it out, maybe help someone by saying my thought process and so on.

I had a heck of a night last night. I nearly threw myself off my balcony. Once upon a time, when I had been a nurse four years ago, I had gone impatient due to being on call constantly, yet understaffed and the immense lack of resources and materials. I quit and decided to follow my dream into tourism and writing. And it all came rushing back to me, on how weak people thought I was for doing it. I was angry, I just wanted to be happy. The thing is, I realize now, because I wanted to do perfectly my job and didn’t have what it took to do it, I quit. So in a funny way my own perfectionism, caused me to quit… because I wasnt in a perfect environment? Its a bit confusing. But look at it this way: I wouldn’t of quit if I wasnt the only nurse for 22 patients with not nearly enough insulin and being called in last minute at 2 am because the other nurse fainted from exhaustion… I’m not a perfectionist, I’m a quitter. And I tortured myself over it last night.
It’s such a funny sensation, to hate yourself for not being good enough and then one day realizing that hate in fact made you weaker.
Funny enough. I don’t want to berate myself for it. I’m not sure why. It’s like being a child and discovering yourself again. It’s shameful

On the bright side, something horrible happened. Which is horrible. But I am proud of myself. My closest friend’s bird drowned. It was tragic, a mistake, a 4 minute mistake. She is completely heartbroken. But for the first time in my life, I felt like I could be there for her… but still go on in my day? If that make sense… in a way be helpful but not destroy myself for it…Not have TOO much empathy to a point where I self destruct. That played a role too when I was a nurse… But point is, I was there for her but later on in the day, something made me smile.

It felt like progress to me…


First off quitting due to unworkable and extremely stressful conditions does not make you a quitter. I am also an extreme perfectionist sometimes and it can really drive me insane. My grade were not perfect and school was so stressful that I just gave up.

Also I am sorry your friends bird died but it is good that you could be there for them and you figured out what amount of empathy you are able to give without over exerting yourself. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first once in a while. Let me put it this way: you can help anyone if you burn yourself out trying to help one person. Hope that helps a little.

Remember that you are valuable, you are beautiful, and you are deserving of unconditional love. You can always come here to talk and we will listen.
Stay strong friend <3

I’m not really clear on what happened to you that you’d want to jump, but I’m really glad you decided against it.
People are quick to give advice to others, look at me, right now :slight_smile:, but I think it takes courage to follow your heart/dreams. And it takes even more courage to re-think your choices and make new ones. Some choices are really hard, and sometimes we have to be our own best friend and say, I’ve had enough, and walk away. I support people taking care of themselves in all aspects of their lives.
Care for yourself, not only your physical health, but your mental health, as you would for one of your lucky patients. You show tremendous empathy for them, and your friend’s bird, can you show the same level of empathy to yourself, Your view of yourself seems so harsh, that I imagine you don’t give yourself much space to be human. Humans are not perfect, and that’s even more perfect than being perfect. We can grow, learn, become … we’re all just trying our best. Sounds like progress to me too. Peace.

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