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Constant discarding and being left out

My story starts long ago, over a decade ago now in high school is when I really realized just how little those around me cared for me. I have always been an outcast starting back as early as grade school, but I always found a good friend or 2 that helped me through it… until high school. My childhood best friend that I had been inseparable from since I was about 4 years old up at quit talking to me as soon as he turned 16 and got his license. This continued into many failed relationships with women who all cheated on me or just ghosted me for no reason. I had made a few other decent friends at this point but no one who I felt really wanted me around so I clung to those who used and abused me for my knowledge or talents which mostly revolved around my fixing their cars or really anything with an engine for them. They were never really around unless they needed me for something but I let it keep happening because I wanted to feel needed.

Fast forward a year and I started befriending a kid in a neighboring town who was very well off and seemed to truly value me. He turned out to be a very large troublemaker and got me into some severe legal trouble. We got arrested for breaking into storage sheds and he took no time to rat everyone involved out and make himself seem like he didn’t do anything when he was in fact the leader of it all. The rest of us were really just there in the car while he did what he did. This turned into a very big deal that left me off the worst as I refused to talk out of loyalty to my friends, I got 3 years of probation when I was only 17, years of a deferred acceptance of guilty plea basically stating if I screwed up I got about 80 felonies that I would be instantly guilty of and most likely would spend the better part of my life in prison. This also came with spending the entire summer and fall just after my graduation in jail. Due to this literally everyone stopped talking to me except for one person. My parents basically adopted him since his mom kicked him out in the middle of WI winters regularly for no reason(she’s crazy). He was there for the 6 months or so leading up to my arrest, followed by getting into a horrific car accident that got him addicted to vicodin which led to heroin and many other drugs. He left shortly after my release from prison since I was obviously not happy about his drug use and was trying to help. I spent the next 3 years begging for anyone to talk to me, to be a friend at all to no avail.

Shortly after I turned 20 I moved to FL to start anew in hopes I could turn my life around. One good friend from my high school years finally decided to start talking to me again, and we spent a lot of time playing video games online together and it seemed as though we were becoming great friends again. We’ll call him Billy. I spent a few years in college down in FL just to realize I was wasting money and was still incredibly depressed which was hindering my school work and making me not know what I wanted in life. I moved back to WI a few years later where this friend and I decided to move to MN together and rent a house. Things seemed to be going pretty good until I decided to move back to FL about 3 years later. I still hated the cold and winter, and I had a girl I had met down here in FL who I had met when I was here that I had rekindled my relationship with. I decided to take a leap of faith and move back down to get away from winter again, but more importantly be with her. This led to my friend ghosting me completely, getting married to this girl he had just started dating and not even telling me about it much less inviting me to the wedding. I only found out through a mutual friend. I had always thought I’d be his best man, but no. I had done so much work on his vehicles over the years sometimes to the detriment of my own health and career because I just wanted him to be happy and not have to worry about money or worry when his cars broke down. I never expected anything for it but his friendship but it seems that was even too much to ask. Fast forward a few years, and I’m now in a very committed relationship with this girl and doing everything to please her and keep her happy. I worked on her vehicles, her families vehicles, did all the work on the house she bought for us (my credit is weighed down with school loans so I couldn’t be on the loan thus the deed with her) but it never seemed to be enough. She constantly manipulated me into changing parts about me that I really didn’t want to change by going off on me randomly out of nowhere and then threatening to leave and kick me out. This went on for 3 years until just recently. I recently lost my job and she blames me entirely for it. I expected her to be there for me emotionally to help me through this, never asked for any money as my parents stepped in to help me out. This went on for a few weeks until about a month ago she just up and ended it. Told me I was too much to “worry about” and that I needed to find a new place to live since she officially owned the house.

I am still stuck here living with her as a roommate until I can find a job and a new place (this isn’t going to happen any time soon with this virus going around and everyone shutting down) and trying to finally finish my degree. My mom is now sick and unable to work, and my dad has been disabled for years so they can no longer help me financially. I’m still absolutely crushed about our break up as I had thought she was the one, and to make matters worse its barely been a month and she still hasn’t shown any sadness about our breakup and has been flirting with other guys on the phone and computer right in front of me like I don’t exist. The few “friends” I have (billy started talking to me again, kind of. When he needs something) I can’t really talk to because none of them care or usually even respond.

I’m lost completely at this point. I look back on my life and realize its been entirely filled with people cheating on me, lying to me, abandoning me, and just leaving me out of everything in general. All I ever wanted to do was help these people in any way I could, and I really tried to do just that but its never enough. I just get used over and over again and thrown aside like trash. At this point I have no one but my family who I can’t burden with my problems, they have enough to deal with on their own. I’m so lost and feel like even God has abandoned me at this point. Regardless of the situation in the world I have until the end of April at best before I’m kicked out of here and homeless, I have no job prospects despite applying at literally over 300 places and haven’t received a single call back, I can’t afford to finish my degree which seems pointless at this point anyway, my parents are broke and its my fault, and my ex who I still love seems to genuinely not care about my feelings or pain at all and flaunts her new conquests in front of me all the time. I don’t know what to do, I genuinely feel like me not existing anymore at this point would be the best thing for everyone. No one values me or my talents at all, and my “friends” probably wouldn’t care at all if I disappeared or even notice for that matter. I’ve never felt so lost and alone. Will this abandonment and use of me ever end? Will anyone ever truly value me or want me around? I can’t say that I believe that day will ever come any more.

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Hey friend, you matter and you are important. I know that things can feel really heavy right now, but you DO hold value. We want you around. We may be strangers but it doesn’t take knowing you to share compassion, Understanding and support.

Have you joined our discord? A great place to connect to other people who can probably relate to a lot of the things you have shared. https://discord.gg/7FMjVk

Come hang out with us :heart: you don’t have to face all of these thoughts alone.

hugs

Sounds to me like the other people in your life take advantage of your skills and generosity because they know they can get away with it. There is being kind and generous, and then there is being used and treated like a doormat with no reciprocity. These people don’t value you for you, but rather what you can offer them. That’s not right, and you deserve so much more than that. If they cared about you, you would be enough all by yourself.

My advice would be to quit doing things for people in an effort to make them like you. You can still do things out of the goodness of your heart if you so choose, but only if it feels right. For example, no more replacing parts on someone’s car that you don’t think need replacing just because they ask or berate you. That’s them taking advantage of you because they believe you’ll do them those favors.

I’ve found that the best way to filter out and end toxic friendships is to quit talking to the friends who make you feel bad. If they care, they’ll reach out to check on you. If they don’t reach out, that tells you where you stand with them, and there’s no sense in wasting any more of your time or emotional effort in them. You may be lonely for awhile, but cutting out toxic friendships frees you from feelings of disapproval and inadequacy, and it frees you up to make new, better friends.

As for your ex, she’s just being nasty to you and that’s not fair at all. Maybe she’s ready to move on with her life, but she doesn’t need to rub it in your face. Is there anyone in Florida you can crash with? If not, would you consider moving back in with your parents while you rest and find your footing? I’ve never moved away to start over, but the people I know who have didn’t leave their problems behind. It sounds like your parents care about you, and even if they can’t support you financially they can give you a loving home base to let you reset and get back on your feet.

Based on your username and your mentions of car repair, is it fair to guess that you’re a mechanic or at least mechanically inclined? There should be no shortage of mechanic work; one thing that doesn’t stop with a recession is people having car problems. What about school? What degree are you after, and how close are you to finishing it? Are there other careers you can start in your desired field that don’t require a degree? I am an engineer, and I never finished my degree. That’s not how I thought my life would play out, but I’m working my dream job with no student debt and years of skills I learned on the job. I believe that opportunity exists if you look for it and are patient.

Lastly, something that has proven true multiple times in my life and that I’m studying right now, God hasn’t abandoned you. He’s waiting for you to go to Him and let Him guide you. God is not Superman, He doesn’t swoop in and save people, but He does guide people who quit trying to do things their own way and instead try to listen to Him. It’s hard, it’s scary, and it’s not something you can “just do” because it goes against our instincts, but He’s there waiting. “Be still and know I am God.”

I’ll be praying for you, friend. Know that you matter, that you are worth more than the things that you do for people, and that your life is never over as long as you’re still breathing.

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